trying to get more adept at parsing my disassociation in general; a lot of why I started to seriously explore plurality as a possibility the last six months or so was bc I figured even if I wasn't it'd help to be more aware of the timing and nature of my disassociative symptoms, since I experience at least mild forms of disassociation, depersonalization, or derealization pretty much every day. last night had a pretty solid moment for me in that regard; I came back to my room (and boyfriend) after a while involved in a group conversation with the IRLs abt some logistical stuff, and was able to look back on the conversation and recall that at one point it had gotten overwhelming and I had been trying very hard not to cry, and that then that suddenly wasn't a going concern for me and that I was only vaguely aware of why I'd been so upset.
I think I do tend to clamp down very hard when I feel 'put on the spot' or like I'm experiencing an emotion that's not safe to express in my present context; it wouldn't be exaggerating to say that I have a pretty well honed 'reflex' for shoving my momentary needs aside in situations like that and changing up my, like, behavioral template. That's a situation I previously would've described as switching into another mode, or changing my masks. Lately, I'm considering that those experiences are likely ones where fronting is passing between different facets; my memory is probably worse around those moments of extreme emotion not only because I've always had a harder time forming memories when I'm in a tight spot like that, but, I'm now thinking, also bc these situations (stress that can't be externalized comfortably -> pushing it away 'for later' as hard as I can -> change in communication style and level of comfort, without an accompanying sense of having processed or buried the emotion) are ones where I'm switching and in a more pronounced degree of disassociation as a result.
Unfortunately I don't have much to go on regarding the distinctions between facets. It's not like, oh, I was a really nervous guy and now I'm a really angry guy, or whatever. it's just like, well, it's different! Anything beyond that would at present represent raw guesswork. Whatever I was presenting myself as after the presumed moment of switch got me a bit more efficient, largely by way of getting a bit more overtly demanding/willing to draw attention if it expedited getting the information I needed. My internal communication is still crap/next to nothing. I think I've got more going on than the one or two facets I've been able to elucidate, particularly since I don't really get a strong sense of who or what is fronting; in the moment, I'm always experiencing life as a contiguous 'me', even if that me has little connection to reality or the immediate past.
