#blorp'

so you know how there were a bunch of ancient civilizations that advanced alot and then just disappeared? what if earth was like a farming ground for civilizations to go to some other planet/galaxy/universe and after the last one left, the breeders decided they didnt need any more of us so they just sorta...left ours to  uh....stew lol and it’s gotten us here. And Contact is the situation in which they didn’t leave us behind.

alright here we go again. this is how i’m coping right now.

i’m really struggling to understand how people have such a focused passionate good-willed goal. (i gave up trying to understand how people have goals that aren’t good willed and unpassionate but still focused. those people aren’t worth thinking about ((me))) how do people want to use there energy so intently as to try and fix something that they perceive is wrong with the world. the reason i don’t understand this is because of course in the long run, it wont matter if they fix anything or not. where do people like Elon Musk and Jared Foss and others get their motivation? do they derive alot of happiness from their toiling? toiling is the only word i can think of. 

i’ve reached a conclusion that i don’t know how i feel about yet and i want to consult alot of people about it. people that are experienced (hopefully) in dealing with a condition that i am struggling with. This conclusion is that i will probably end up working with my mother. Her work has something that i can see the smallest sliver of worth in. or at least a window/path to do what i see a hint of value in doing which is educating people on the finiteness of life. the fact that semiotics is the only thing that drives society and it seems no one realizes/ everyone forgot that we made up everything’s worth/morals/connections. 

i really don’t know how i feel about this. given my past with my mother, her personality is one that mine does not mesh with if kept together for a long enough time. i love my mother and can see how the things she does are well intentioned but sometimes i disagree with her logic on emotional and more scientific topics.

i really want to talk to my close friends, my father, my mother, a psychiatrist, perhaps a philosopher and of course Sierra.

the only thing i can think of right now that creates meaning for me is being with Sierra. Being with her has helped me find a peace that i don’t think i’ve known since i was a child. she helps me be at peace with myself. i am so overjoyed/astounded/befuddled by this that i’m just accepting it at this point. and all i want to do is love her and make her happy and learn about her. 

and learn about what interests us and try to understand why modern life has driven us to being “overpowerd”. one of my favorite people alive today said that “as consumers of commodity and celebrity we are too powerful and thus woeful” (@mikerugnetta) i have dwelt on this statement ever since i heard it.

i am happy that i can see so much beauty in nature and be driven into awe by its hand but i no longer have the desire to discover more about why it’s that way or delve into the “nitty gritty”. sure i still do sometimes but that is only because i can and i am “too powerful” as a consumer in the modern era.  

i’m content with just being. just existing. ideally alongside Sierra and the other strong relationships i have/will formed/form.

this fact bothers me because i feel like not many people are this way. they are driven by something, whether it be an outer or inner force. it tells them “do something because ______. i honestly don’t know what that because is but i sure hope i find out soon.

i’m beginning to think i missed it somewhere along the way.

here comes what seems like my end of the semester, semesterly nihilistic frustrated, emotionally driven/opinionated rant. 

i don’t want to do anything right now except be with Sierra, eat, sleep, and listen to music with her until i play my show on saturday. i get so fed up as days go by with how concerned people are over so many things that just don’t matter. like objectively don’t matter. i’m sick of being stressed out over grades. i’m sick of feeling like i’m not good enough. i’m sick of people not being treated like people. I’M SICK OF PEOPLE NOT REALIZING THAT THEY COULD DIE AT ANY POINT AND THAT LIFE IS FINITE. what are people trying to prove??!! i honestly don’t get it. what do you have to prove. you’ve done _____? cool, so what? what’s it really for. what’s really gonna come out of that? think about it. society has become so life of leisure that i’m literally bored to the point of frustration with how many people think everything actually matters. 

right now i have three main goals in my life. i honestly could care less if i accomplish anything or contribute anything to society because a majority of it is going to shit and fast. there are still people that don’t believe in global warming and evolution, there are still people that don’t treat people like people, there are still needless and thankless wars, there is an unnecessary race to improve technology before trying to fix everything else that’s wrong.

anyways, right now my three goals:

1.Be happy (more difficult than it should be because of aforementioned frustrations)

2. Make those around me feel happy and loved (easy and enjoyable, contributes to first goal)

3. Help the masses understand how finite life is and that the only things that really matter in life are your relationships.

 because in the end, you’re dead, so what you should try your best at is to make your own experience the best it can be while helping others around you do the same.

i realize that the only way to be conventionally happy in society is to get a career, and have a family, and then use your leisure time. but really that seems so abhorrent to me. 

i made a comment on a recent youtube video (game grumps surprisingly, or not) that i’m amazed at how much humanity has progressed past the basic necessities and then maybe electricity. i just don’t understands what drives people to want more more and more. 

i was also surprised to find that other people shared my wonder. and at how many people around me seem so unhappy and unsatisfied and practically longing to not exist. i’m so distressed about this and have absolutely no answers for it. 

The _____ has no gender argument. colors/toys/cars/music/movies/WHATEVER. Sure it’s cool to wear dresses and anyone to have short or long hair and everyone to wear make up and anyone to wear whatever the hell they want to because it’s their choice to express themselves however they want. But as soon as you start saying that these things don’t represent or aren’t attached to a gender, that’s bullshit. Our society has forced a dichotomy for so many things to be gendered that it makes no sense to deny it. I’m not saying you can’t deny it, you’re allowed to do whatever you want. I’m saying it doesn’t make sense to deny it. Because the majority of people will think “oh what a lovely dress that lovely GIRL is wearing” on first quick glance upon anyone wearing a dress.

Also it doesn’t make sense in the area of (usually) when someone is transitioning, they will dress as the gender that they are transitioning to so that society will better recognize them as that gender that they are dressing like. this just proves the point that some things are so ingrained into our society as gendered.