hii! I’m jocelyn! i’ve recently started writing here on my blog, and i loooove to do it! some things i also loove are harry styles, taylor swift, olivia rodrigo, michael jackson, ariana grande, selena, audrey hobert, glee, reading, sitcoms, traveling, musicals, and sooooo much more!! i love to chit chat, and if anyone would like to chat, feel free to do so!! tpwk!

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taglist!

masterlist!

⭐️ pleaseee send reqs i looove to write and need more ideas 🫰🫰

xoxo, joc

i have a substack, a blogspot, a twitter, a multitude of dead fan fiction accounts, five dead instagram spam accounts and yet i am incapable of writing anythiNG without doing some form of performance art whenever i sit down to type online.

tumblr was probably the closest ive gotten to true internet honesty, but the aggressive scream for help to a sea of strangers employed that honesty to think i was gaining something. to be seen, for someone to finally understand the pain i was in. etc .

i dont think vulnerability is necessary online, but in my recent attempts to conquer the fear of having my finely tuned social personality shatter, (just a litte bit) i do believe putting out personal and real thoughts in a forum that exists beyond a diary in my room HAS to be helpful.

once youve exhausted the 15 personal stories that you rehearse to make people think they know you, it gets quite boring and repetitive!! and the only way to fix your boredom is to either find new just-deep-enough stories, or just give up on them all together. free yourself.

its solregn right now and i am looking at it through my window in my tiny room full of clothes, dishes, empty packs of cigarettes, and books i will read one day. it is my favorite kind of weather yet i dont think i will go outside today, other than to get halva from the grocery store connected to my house.

i will do so after i fold my too big pile of potential outfits from 5 days ago. a reward! even though im not sure if i actually like the taste of halva, or just want to inhale pure sugar. if the store sold sugarcubes i would just eat those like a horse (i did do that as a child a lot actually, my parents never allowed sugar at home so wh n i would go with my dad to his office, in the time he had meetings i would be left on my own to roam the sterile start-up think-tank building, play moviestarplanet and steal brown sugar cubes from the coffee station... like all of them)

Daphne here! now i wont do it daily, but today i thought i should try it.

Today, the class i was scheduled to teach got no sign ups. But, my boss asked me in anyway to do ad work and clean a bit, because she knows I need the money. Shes so kind!

I also dropped into my favorite coffee shop across the street during my shift, and they know me as a regular! They were out of the pastry I usually get, so the barista John got me the one from the display (even though he's not supposed to!)

and as I left, he called out "Have a great night, Star!"

i didn’t really do much but i felt better than i have been and i worked on my friend’s music (we’re nearly done!!) and sat in the park and it was sunny. also i had therapy and before that i went into work because it’s close to therapy and i left too early so i just distracted the manager for 20 minutes (which she said was much welcomed).

also my friend messaged me again to ask me how i was feeling and it’s...it feels weird to be asked that and for it to feel genuine and not just like the other person is doing it out of some sense of obligation? which is on me, feeling that way. but it’s new and nice and weird. it’s weird to know that you’re being thought about? at least by this person.

people knowing more about you just means that they know you more, and this is going to sound convoluted but it feels weird (good?) to know that you are known. i have more to say i suppose but it’s Not For Here.

tomorrow will be boring and i’ll be at work alone all day, but it’ll be sunny. also i bought the new carly rae jepsen album on CD so that i could play it at work.

i cat followed me and meowed at me until i sat down and stroked it. it was a really big car? it wasn’t like, fat or anything, it looked like a normally proportioned size cat but just...the size of a dog.

i think i write these posts for some kind of emotional permanency, because i tend to forget a lot. 

also it’s a different feeling to awful like shit but to actually feel like you have a lot of support? it’s less isolating. the last 5 days have been very good, socially. it’s nice to be around people, and i’m glad i’ve been busy.

songs that aren’t by CRJ:

yellow cloud

summer breeze

where is my mind

juice

Long story short

2016-2017 I did AmeriCorps. Served at a domestic violence/sexual assault emergency shelter. Was taken advantage of professionally but found myself in a major way

A lightbulb turned on in my brain the night of the election and I realized I was bisexual but like I couldn’t even be happy about it bc the world was turning to actual shit so there was that

Found my way back to B and for 7 months I was happy and the safest I’ve ever felt. But as we know everything I touch dies SO

And now I work as a case manager at a shelter for homeless families and it is very stressful because I don’t know what I’m doing and my boss is exceedingly difficult to work for but I’m trying goddammit

I ghosted on my therapist. The timing wasn’t great but seriously fuck Karen just fuck her