Been playing gender chicken with my hair length for the last few months (it was cropped short) and i've somehow noclipped through the dysphoria section and ended up in a place i'm sort of happy with, i think? It's definitely more femme than it's ever been, and I don't know if it's also a product of having turned 30, but while the dysphoria is still there, it's quieter now that I'm not treating gender as some sort of performance, to try make people see Me. They won't, they never have, they never will, not while medical transition for nbs on terf island isn't a possibility, and its taken a few years to come to some sort of inner peace on that. I wouldn't say I've actively worked on it, certainly it's a journey. But something has definitely clicked, and I feel more confident in myself now that I'm not wasting all my energy on trying to pass anymore. Pass as what? No matter what people perceive, especially in this small town, it'll be one or the other, and you still won't be happy. Gender, inwardly, is just a sort of suggestion, a rumour, something I've never met, and do not know. How I present can't reflect all the nuances of that, and that's fine. I am what I am right now, and right now that feels pretty good.
