#blackbutlerxreader

Sebastian Michaelis

on a normal day, he’s gonna be cool as a cucumber

seriously

it would have to be an absolutely A W F U L day for him to even raise his voice at you, much less his hand

but today was one of the aforementioned days about ten times over

you had dropped by the Phantomhive manor to aid your family

your initial time spent with him was limited 

you had to crack down and get to business with ciel

seriously, the two of you were notorious for being thrown together to solve cases

but that wasn’t what bothered sebastian

he was normally able to handle you working 

but it just seemed like everyone was trying to get on his nerves today

mey-rin broke a good portion of the manor china, managed to flood the laundering area, and was seemingly even more inept at cleaning 

finnian poisoned a large portion of the garden and seasonal flowers with one go, proceeded to call for sebastian to fix it, and then destroyed not only another portion of the garden but also the shed in which they kept all of the required tools needed

and bardroy burnt the kitchen. again. for the fifth time today. 

this isn’t even accounting for the multitude of times in which grell came by to crash the manor and their endeavors to uncover any evidence

bringing along the other reapers

and the times that day in which they had completed work to present to you with the undertaker in which sebastian needed to attempt multiple times to get him to laugh

it was, overall, a stressful day

and he really wanted to relax with you 

given ciel’s discretion, of course, but he knew you were a reasonable person and patience was something that you had in spades when it came to sebastian and his work

he would be able to do that later that night, though

you specifically requested have sebastian stay with you once the busyness at the manor slowed

and, after a few hours that felt like a good few weeks to sebastian passed, you were able to 

you were trying to relax by candlelight and admire the images that were present on the walls surrounding you 

sebastian was trying to put ciel to bed and make sure that the rest of the servants were asleep

“young master, is there anything else you require of me before you rest for the night?”

“i think that will be all, sebastian. possibly if you could review any documents that may need reviewing with y/n, though. that would be great.”

“or course, young master. rest well.”

he met up with you not long after putting ciel to bed, and as you were roaming, he was trying to remain calm.

this never usually happened. 

he usually had everything under control.

he usually had his head upright and logic straight.

but tonight, for once, he wanted to - needed to - relax

sadly, while he couldn’t really relax, he at least was with you

well, he thought he was

until you caught wind of an event occurring in your own manor

and you were reccommended to leave within the coming few hours

that was the last straw for sebastian.

“darling, i normally attempt to allow you to attend to your own events and needs, but i only wish to request that you stay here for the moment.”

“sebastian, i’m quite sorry, but this is important. i must attend to it quickly. i promise you that it won’t take long, not in the slightest.”

“darling, if i may-”

“sebastian, i’m so, terribly, sorry-”

“darling-”

“i must be on my way-”

“no. it was said that you could leave come the morning.”

“i’m quite worried, though-”

“darling, i must ask you to stay calm and relax here for the night.”

“but business calls-”

“ignore it. i’ve had quite the stressful day, and all i request is that i do not be denied time spent alone with the one human i can tolerate.”

he only slightly raised his voice then, yet you were still chilled.

not enough to back down, though

“sebastian, please-”

“y/n, dear. you are staying here for the night.”

“no, i must go-”

you stood up, rushing to reach your room for the night

sebastian regarded your leave, grabbing your arm

“please, sebastian-”

“no, darling-”

“i quite clearly said. NO.”

“sebastian-”

his fists were clenching, something you failed to see, but nonetheless

“please, darling-”

“i must leave-”

he pulled you by your arm and quickly, oh so quickly 

he raised his other hand

it wasn’t by much, not by much at all

but it was so sudden, so shocking, and so uncharacteristic of him 

it left you shaken

you stared at his gloved hand, mouth agape

memories came back to you, almost tenfold 

some of your past with your adoptive parents

some of your past with your biological and deceased parents

some of the orphanage owners that you lived with

a gloved hand, to you, was something that often terrified you

and, in that moment, sebastian was no longer sebastian

he was your father, your adoptive mother, and your previous caretaker all at once

hand raised, brow furrowed, and eyes wide

the sight was bloodcurdling to you 

tears clouded your vision and you backed away, resorting to running from the current room you were in and locking the door

sebastian had lowered his hand upon seeing your facial expression

but, despite him trying to process what had just occurred and the emotion that came with it, he was only trying to configure the aftermath

he knew you had locked the door, really

and though he had the key to enter if need be, he left you alone.

he wouldn’t want you to be so awfully scared that you would fear for your wellbeing after this point

he would approach you after you have settled what you need

you would be returning to the manor after everything has been worked out, and he’d ask tanaka to lead you to your carriage

of course, while advising ciel of his actions and your dilemma 

so, in that time, he would have to process the regret

the true, honest regret

and come to terms with what had happened as well as what he is to say and do to fix the situation as best as he could

and so, come the next day, he was alreayd prepared

ciel had been the one to greet you, and tanaka was the one who led you into the manor at you next visit

and while you saw sebastian, you were still hesitant to talk to him

you knew that he meant no real harm towards you, that it simply was a spurred reaction

but that didn’t make it much better at all. 

ciel had been the one to chew out the servants for screwing things up so awfully that day, so they really straightened out and quick

so they had been on their best behavior for the time that you were away, and still had been

sebastian had been given a break, and tanaka had been temporarily appointed the caretaker for the phantomhive child

ciel really, truly saw you as someone to respect, so he made sure that you would be fine and that sebastian felt guilt for it

it wasn’t until nightfall came that you talked to sebastian

it took some time to muster the energy to do it, but it was done nonetheless

he had approached you and held out a hand, which you obliged

he gave it a light kiss, meant to signify a simple apology

you knew how formal he could be, and he never really did this after an event such as the one that recently occurred unless he was instructed to find information

so this was slightly shocking, but it calmed you down. 

“darling, i do apologize for my atrocious behavior during the last time we were alone.”

“no, no - you did it as an impulse reaction, nothing more. you wouldn’t hurt me.”

he chuckled just the slightest at that statement, but guided you to a nearby seat. 

a candle was lit on a shelf not far away from said seat, and it smelled faintly of (favorite/scent).

it was an apology silently accepted as you sat beside the tall man and shared a conversation. 

the following times that he was bothered, he made sure to avoid letting any anger reach him as best as he could 

(that, or he took it out on grelle if she just so happened to be in the vicinity of wherever he happened to be) 

(sometimes, he even ended up beating the red-headed reaper in front of you)

(ciel would always scowl, you’d always giggle a little. it was funny, so-)

Undertaker

this guy. 

okay. 

with undertaker, i don’t think he would raise his hand unless something positively huge was compromised. 

he can get serious, yes.

it can get intimidating, yes.

but the thing is...he isn’t particularly violent unless pushed so far that that’s the only course of action. 

(dude’s an xntp of some kind, logic and ideas are way higher than kicking and fighting when things go wrong)

that said, i think this would have to do with him planning his resurrection idea 

that, and/or putting it into action. 

specifically during book of atlantic, or right before.

it would probably be during the planning stage, and i have a feeling that work would manage to get to him

he is a reaper, and he does have emotions, so it isn’t like he wouldn’t be even a little stressed about this. 

that, and he needs someone to help put that plan into action. 

he didn’t manage to reach his partner, and you?

yeah, you were completely and totally unaware of his plan, much less aware of his whole idea. 

you only knew that he was doing something, and you assumed it to be his normal work. 

he was busy, as always.

but, you knew that he also needed a break from time to time. 

again, he’s a reaper - he needs to function like a normal human to do acts that a human is almost completely unable to do.

so, using what was available, you made him a snack.

it wasn’t much, no. not much at all, but it was something. 

you had a plate in hand, taking it to a door to the undertaker’s office

knocking gently, you heard his voice ring. 

“who could possibly be knocking on my study door?”

you laughed, shaking your head and setting the plate you held on the ground. 

“tis merely a burglar, darling. they happened to drop a snack by for you, as well.”

“ha ha! well, i appreciate the burglar’s efforts!”

and this followed as habit for days

which then turned to weeks

which then turned to months

which caused you to get a little pissed. 

your partner wasn’t responding to your efforts, he wasn’t even opening the door in front of you. 

if this was just a portion of his normal job, then why is he being so secretive? 

so, tired and annoyed, you did what you would normally do. 

bring him food 

(again, still a reaper.) 

and instead of just dropping it by the door like usual, you knocked and stood there

“whoever may be here at this hour?”

“yet again, a burglar, darling. i do think we need to focus more on our security.”

“ah, and may they perchance have food readied?”

“why, yes they do. they do wish that their target would meet them to flaunt their loot.”

silence. 

you knew it would happen. 

he doesn’t respond to this well, but you usually calm him down. 

this? totally different story.

“well, my apologies dear burglar, but i’m unable to do so. would you please leave the plate beside my door and i’ll provide a gift of thanks tomorrow?”

you breathed in deep, knocking again. 

you heard the old wooden chair that he kept in his study move when you didn’t reply. 

some footsteps echoed as best as they could, but that was it. 

until the lock became undone. 

the door didn’t open, no, but the lock became undone

so, angry and worried, you stormed inside

“undertaker, darling, take a break.”

he cleared his throat and sat still enough

still enough to warrant some fear

“please, you need to rest and i’m sure that this endeavor of yours can wait.”

slowly, slowly, oh so slowly he stood

and finally looked at you

you remembered seeing his eyes before, but now?

there was a fire in them that scared you senseless

“darling, if i may, i’m quite busy-”

“and you’re failing to care for your health. you never seem to listen when i have to remind you-”

“now-”

“-that you can’t thrive off of what is essentially spite and drive-”

“(y/n), my dear-”

two steps closer. 

“-simply because you wish to. may i remind you-”

“darling, i might advise you to calm down-”

“-you are not a demon nor one of those damned creatures referred to as angels, you are simply a-”

“darling...”

another two steps

“-reaper. you are a reaper, and you need rest just as much as the rest of us humans do, so-”

“(y/n), there is a fine line here...”

“-not just for my sake, but for yours, take. a break.”

“i cannot!”

for the first time in a long time, he raised his voice to you. 

“this is business that you are not to be associated with, and it requires my utmost attention.”

his voice boomed through the walls

“with your ‘care’, i seem to be getting less work done by the second.”

he stepped closer with every word he uttered

“so, if i may say, you are being quite obnoxious-”

“i’m only trying to assure your health, reaper or not-”

“ENOUGH!”

his hand came up quickly

you flinched back just as he did so, terror overtaking you

you gulped as you stepped back, setting the food on a table nearby the exit of the study

silence rang louder than he ever did in that moment

tension rose, very obviously so

“alright then. i’ll be out of your way if that’s what you think.”

you pushed your chest up, raised your head, and proceeded to turn your back to him

“i’ll be leaving then.”

and you left

he sighed, sulking hsi way back to his seat

he was staring through his fingers at the copious amounts of work present on his desk

shame was everything he could comprehend.

you, on the other hand, took to roaming the town.

waving to the townsfolk that you knew and vice versa, sharing slight conversation with those that you could say you were friendly with 

you even ran into grell when walking past the nearby church 

“ah, hello, (y/n) my dear!”

“hello, grell.”

she noticed your attitude as soon as you spoke.

nothing could slip past her

“what happened, dear? do you wish to talk about it?”

you shook your head

“i’d prefer if we just took a stroll around. i need to clear my mind.”

so you did.

small talk was exchanged, and she told you of her issues in the workplace

stories about how overtime was exhausting, complaining about being ridiculed for the event with madam red by will, even about how people in the office were outright insufferable

it got a slight laugh out of you

even when she would bring up her advances towards the phantomhive butler, you listened and let her talk

it was relaxing, but you couldn’t help but feel a little dejected still

your partner just raised his hand to you even though you were trying to make sure that his health wasn’t suffering

yes, you were being a tad bit obnoxious, but it wasn’t out of malice

it was merely worry for him

the night fell not long after, and being courteous, grell walked you home

“rest well, darling! i shall see you again soon!”

you smiled slightly, “of course, grell. i wish the same to you. good night.”

and you slowly walked into the undertaker’s shop, trudging to the small flat that you both lived in hesitantly

when you entered, undertaker was located in the kitchen area staring at a cup of tea in his hand

creaking was heard upon your entry, and his head darted up to face you

you sniffed, turned away, and went to hang your coat 

“may i inquire what it is you need, undertaker?”

he cleared his throat, and though you couldn’t see it, directed his gaze to the warm liquid in front of him

“i apologize for my actions earlier.”

you sighed, turning back to him and waiting patiently.

“it was impulse, particularly one that i’m not fond of. you were simply making sure that i was well taken care of, and i took it for granted.”

“mmm. alright then.”

approaching him, you brushed a stray hair from his shoulder

“i accept your apology, though i will say that i do not apologize for my intent. i apologize for my persistence, though - it was quite rude for me to barge in on your work.”

a simple little moment was shared in silence in that moment

he sipped his tea, you stood by and made dinner for the both of you

“do you wish to work again tonight, my dear?”

“not quite. rather, i’d wish to relax with a good book.”

you gently smiled, nodding and reaching for silverware and napkins to prepare the table with him

Ciel Phantomhive

ciel here is a bit of an enigma

we know he is usually calm and collected, b u t

he’s still a child. 

his emotions are going to be all over the place, and him raising his hand to someone was depicted 

(in regards to lizzy breaking his ring)

so this wouldn’t necessarily be normal, but it also wouldn’t be something that isn’t a plausible reaction (sadly) 

but, for the sake of this, let’s say that ciel is almost 18. 

business for funtom was getting tiring, and it seemed that every case he was being thrown was harder than the last

his lessons were getting more plentiful, the servants were wreaking havoc around the manor - more so than usual

a guest was to join you and him at the manor tonight

and, finally, daily annoyances were starting to get to him

he couldn’t even sit through a game of chess.

you had been staying at the manor for the summer months, as your family knew his quite well since you were children

(you two were close, so your staff was caring for your manor while you were away) 

(you still had your personal servant with you, though)

you had been trying to play against him, but as much as he tried, the most energy he could muster was used to complain and sigh in dejection

it left you feeling a little off, but you knew how he could get. 

“do you need some time alone, ciel?”

“hmm? oh, uh...if you wouldn’t mind...though i do apologize in advance.”

you smiled and shook your head

“no problem! whenever you need me, i’ll be in the manor. somewhere.”

so, you left. 

and with that, chaos seemed to hit him harder. 

the servants were getting more lax, driving him (and sebastian, but more so him) up a wall

and grell decided it would be a good idea to infiltrate the manor and ‘relax’

translation: annoy the living hell of out sebastian and himself

case after case was being sifted through, and despite his intelligence, ciel could swear he could feel his brain losing its functionality

add that onto the extra work that sebastian provided for the day (seeing as it was one that was much less busy than others) and...

you’ve got a pissed off phantomhive.

night rolled around, and with that, so did the arrival of the guests.

it also meant that there was going to be some intermingling

and chaos, as always.

dinner was stressful.

mey-rin had been instructed to only set the table - 1. by. 1., as per sebastian - and pour the wine

but she had slipped. 

again. 

ciel sighed, but sent a look towards sebastian. 

finny didn’t do anything outright outrageous, but upon the reminder that the dinner event was tonight, he tried to fix up a portion of the garden. 

it didn’t work. 

the portion was completely black. no clue how, it happened though. 

and sebastian had warned ciel, so it was supposed to be blocked off. 

sadly, though, once the dinner itself had ended and the intermingling began, people were adamant

‘i’ve heard wonderful things about your gardens, mr phantomhive!’

‘the flowers here supposedly bloom much more beautifully than elsewhere.’

that wasn’t uncommon. 

so they of course had to see the garden. 

it was a game of cat and mouse, keeping the guests from the destroyed area.

you, ciel, and sebastian were acting as mice in that scenario

and by the end of the night, as desserts were being left

bardroy had burned the kitchen down.

a g a i n.

ciel had about had it.

sebastian was able to keep a more level head, thankfully, and got him to calm down just the slightest. 

though he was just as pissed.

that said, though, things did get worked out

and the cleaning process was almost insufferable

again, after being knocked to the side, grell decided to try again. 

ciel had it at that point. 

he had stormed to his office, almost looking like a child throwing a hissy fit. 

you noticed this and immediately trailed him

“ciel, is everything alright?”

“i’m fine.”

“you’re mad, you’re not exactly fine.”

“you heard me the first time, y/n.”

“yes, i did. and i don’t believe you.”

by this point, you two had made it to his office and were getting heated

“well, darling, might be good for you to believe me.” 

“no, i don’t think so. you’re mad, i can tell, the guests could tell - everyone here knows.”

“no, not a single occupant knows.”

you sighed, shook your head and took a deep breath before speaking.

“ciel, you’re mad. livid, even. that’s fine. but you need to discuss it.”

“no, i don’t. i’m not mad.”

you step closer to him.

“yes, you are and you need to talk. things are different now, ciel. you don’t have to hide anything from me.”

another step closer.

“y/n, this is fine. it’s fine. it is merely a normal occurrence.”

“normal occurrence, maybe - but no matter, you are mad. and stressed. that’s easy to see.”

another step. 

“you’ve gotten tense, you haven’t even been able to sit through a game of chess.”

and another.

“you were constantly glaring, and couldn’t even fake small talk with the guests tonight.”

and another. 

“just sit down for a second...”

one more.

“take a deep breath or two...”

you were in front of him now, reaching for his hair to brush it away from his eyes.

“and then we can ta-”

his arm seemed to raise instantaneously. 

had ot not been for sebastian getting there in time, who knows what would have happened. 

either way, you were shaken. 

no tears, you knew he could get worked up and resort to moronic actions

but this was only slightly unexpected. 

you nodded, backing away and taking a deep breath

“fair enough. i’ll wait until you’ve leveled out, ciel.”

giving your awareness to the tall butler, you retreated to your personal room for the summer and called for your servant to help you get into your night clothes 

you went to sleep that night with a head full of thoughts.

he had never gotten violent with you, until tonight, that is

and he had always been upfront. 

was it stress? 

was it simply anger? 

or was this a sensitive time for him in general?

these questions plagued you 

as they plagued ciel, as well

it had been a pretty intense day, mostly due to the copious amounts of events and documentation that needed to be done

but that doesn’t excuse his actions.

he knew that you would listen, you’ve done it before. 

multiple times, you would sit and listen and provide input whenever - and it always seemed to be at the right time. 

he truly messed up, and he knew it. 

he just didn’t quite know how to verbalize it

“young lord, if i may suggest something, it would be best to get to the point.”

sebastian was helping ciel to bed at this point, and even he was about tired of tonight. 

“and how would you suggest that i do that?”

ciel waited as sebastian hummed

“they’re reasonable. waht you have to say, they’ll listen. just be honest with them, young lord.”

humming himself, ciel sent sebastian off once situated in bed for the night and stewed over what to say.

the next morning, you and ciel were seated at different ends of the dining area table

the aura was tense - enough to know something was wrong, but not enough to know exactly what it was.

ciel cleared his throat after sipping his tea, brushing his pants before looking at you

“y/n, i owe you an apology.”

you raised a brow, but straightened yourself in your seat and gestured for him to proceed. 

“it was wrong of me to raise my hand. i was livid, i was also stressed, but that is no excuse,.”

your gaze softened just the slightest. 

he was tense, again, and almsot fumbling to put together a sentence.

likely about why his reaction occurred.

“we can get into the details later, ciel. i appreciate the apology. you don’t have to tell me why if you don’t wish to.”

and from then on, the day slowly got better.

sebastian even gave ciel a break, keeping papers from him and cutting his classes for the day. 

you two had finally managed to reconcile, going on multiple little adventures in the manor itself. 

looking through all of the books in the library at the manor, going through the garden, even venturing through the woods beside the manor (being trailed by your servants, of course.)

essentially, everything came to a better end than beginning (considering the ‘beginning’ was the previous night) 

he also managed to keep himself in check following the event. 

(it shocked you, how well he adjusted)

(seriously.) 

(ciel managed to keep everything together, even when the day was worse than the event that caused it). 

(it also shocked sebastian, to be frank.) 

alright so

this time period is a little bit perfect for a person of this type

b u t

it also means that you are more susceptible to attacks by supernatural forces

since 

well

y’know

super shy, super quiet, super timid

the best target for most supernatural beings as well as creeps, murderers, etc. 

really, it kinda sucks that it ends up that way

but on the bright side, that is how you met sebastian and ciel

you had been separated from your parents

and had been waiting for you caretaker to return

when someone had grabbed you when petting a stray animal beside the entrance you were waiting at 

they had attempted to slam a rag over your mouth, 

and they managed to get the rag over your mouth

but someone had been thrown back before anything further could happen

the rag hit the ground, and a small boy and his butler 

(you assumed) 

came from a shadowed area

and the rest is history! 

you had soon become obligated to work with ciel for funtom company collaborations

(your parents were often busy with meetings, and you were going to take over the company as the heir) 

so you would often see sebastian

he’d carried you back to the phantomhive mansion after the attack

and it was there that you froze up after finally getting a good look at his face

and h o l y s h i t was he attractive 

yeah, you went tense from that point forward lol

flustered 

very obviously so 

you two did bond over something unexpected, though

you and ciel had gone out to look at manufacturing processes for a new experimental collaboration project

and sebastian accompanied, of course

but it was when ciel had gone to talk to the head of the plant

(or rather demanded that they exit the building to talk privately) 

that you had noticed a cat sitting by a box not far from the plant

worried, you walked over and raised your hand to the animal and let it sniff you before you pet it 

and it was adorable

purring came about not long afterwards, and it started to rub itself against your arm and hand

sebastian was made to watch after you while ciel handled what was needed

and seeing that you had disappeared, he went to find you 

and find you he did

the cat had gotten so comfortable with you in that period of time that you were holding the fluffy animal

the both of you looked so tender

and that was what drew sebastian further to you 

on multiple occassions you were very accomodating to guests, and were a very nice guest yourself

super sweet and super gentle, especially to kids

now, listen

this wouldn’t have normally caught sebastian’s attention

but with the way that you had been handling every other situation by this point, this only added to your character

you had already shown your immense compassion and care so seeing that being extended to children- 

he doesn’t normally get interested, but this?

yeah, the demon was extremely taken by you 

now 

he only found all of this out by observation

you never really exchanged any words with him, you only did so to ciel or someone that you were absolutely obligated to 

and even then, you were stuttering and/or mumbling

it was very quiet, you were very quiet, and the way that you approached speaking in general only enforced that

(possibly even to a borderline extreme extent, honestly) 

you first spoke to him when you had an issue in your guest room, though

somehow, someway, a mouse had snuck into your room

you wanted to remove it, but you wanted to do anything but hurt it

you knew that if any of the other servants had found it, chaos would ensue 

and that would mean that ciel would likely order for it to be killed

you wanted that avoided at all costs

so you went to the most reliable servant for help 

“s...s-sebastian...?”

your voice sounded almost...dainty

“yes, dear?”

“could-could you help me...for a second?”

“yes, of course. what is the issue?”

so, you tried to speak

and it didn’t come out 

too many words, too little time, and way too much anxiety to speak them

so you gestured to your room 

(or the stairs, rather) 

“would you...f-follow me, in-instead?”

he remained silent, nodding 

“do lead the way, darling.”

so you did 

it was silent

not awkwardly so, though

you enjoyed that since most people you were surrounded with were very ethusiastic and talkative

you didn’t mind it in crowds, 

(not like you liked those in the first place, though) 

but when in a quiet space, it made things very awkward and tense

you hated that feeling

as well as sebastian

he loathed that tense feeling, he could sense the people in the room absolutely losing any true comfortability by the second

it disgusted him, frankly

but this was different

and when you showed him to your room, the mouse was gently nudging at your pillow

“i saw it running around and...and i don’t w-want it harmed...”

sebastian knew what you were getting at

“i’ll release it, then. my sincerest apologies for this event.”

he bowed

you froze, unsure of a response

“n-..n-no, no, it’s-it’s quite alright! um...”

you gulped

“..i just want to- make sure it is safe. thank you, sebastian.”

and so he did, releasing it into a corner of the garden that had been fenced in

finny was in another area, and you gave the mouse one last pat before it ran free

and that is what sparked this relationship 

he noticed how you always reacted this way, and when the time would call for it, you’d go to him since he was someone that wouldn’t ridicule you for your nature

he always helped you aid the small rodents that wormed their way into buildings, always helped you get any stray animals back to safety

hell, he even did so with kids

you had run into a couple lost kids on multiple occassions, and each time you were sure to bring them to safety and do your damnedest to reach out to their parents 

sebastian always made the process easier, and with time, you learned a few things from him

you began to pick up more on asserting yourself when it came to protecting the animals and/or children that you ran into

it shocked people to see your demeanor change when it came down to it, and the tone of voice you’d use would make them bend

“i’m not requesting, sir, i am demanding that you bring that animal to a shelter before any more harm comes to it.”

yeah, that?

that made sebastian proud. 

he’d been the one to help you reach this point

you had often come to him to vent

(in your faint voice, of course) 

about how no one would listen to you, and how you were ashamed that you weren’t more talkative and outgoing

sebastian had made it his mission to help you when these times would come

he began by letting you voice what you actually wanted to say

“perchance, would you m-...mind if i did so? it doesn’t seem improper to you?”

“of course not, darling. i don’t mind.”

“...alright then.”

and then it came out.

the anger, the pain, the worry - all of it

and he let you go crazy.

your parents wouldn’t, family members wouldn’t, little to no one would

after all, you were the nice, sweet, and gentle child of the (l/n) family. 

no one would expect anything less from you 

but they definitely didn’t expect anything more intense

and even then, it took a while to get others to accept the fact that you are more than your demeanor

it sucked that it took as long as it did, but it did bring you and sebastian closer

(if we wanted to stay on the bright side, at least) 

either way, a huge amount of progress was made

and he eventually came to develop a relationship with you 

ciel was asked to provide advisory over the idea

and, surprisingly, he allowed it 

(it was mostly due to the fact that he could get a break from sebastian’s lectures, but hey-)

and now, you had another thing to leave you flustered

he truly loved your demeanor and your personality, the way you advocated for others without hesitation

really, he loved you for that

but he also loved to tease the everloving crap out of you 

seriously, when you two would have a break from business, you both would relax in the library 

books in hand, reading being done

until sebastian would look at you, leaned up against him and eyes focused

“my, darling, you look beautiful.”

and you are no longer existing, you have evaporated

(wishing sebastian good luck when it comes to dating a nonexistent being)

but luckily for him, you always return

and he never gets enough of teasing you 

you’re cute, he can’t help it 

(he won’t do it in public, though)

(he may be sadistic, he may be cruel, but even he knows where to draw the line)

overall, though

he would be a great influence to someone like that, simply due to his attraction to you 

due to that, he wants to help you bring out the best in yourself in a more forward and clear fashion

“What are you doing, dear?”

Blank eyes, bags, and looking gaunt. Lovely.

“Aren’t you tired?”

Sniffling. 

“God, what are you doing here? I don’t think that you were invited.”

Two different versions. Two different people. Of course, there was always two sides to a story. 

“Here you go again, pretending that you love me....”

Crack, crack, crack - scratch, scratch, scratch - sniffle, sniffle, sniffle - look up! 

“When just beneath the surface, you’re convinced that you’re above me.” 

Two people. One on each shoulder.

They looked similar, save for the fact that they were polar opposites. One happy, one depressed. One stable, one unstable. One actually living, the other simply surviving. 

The image stings. 

“Dig deep into the past, I’ve never been one for doing things half-assed - if I’m here to save you, I’ll be here forever!”

No. No, no, no, no-

“Just take my hand, I’ll be your knight in shining armor!” 

I slammed my fist on the marbled counter. 

Scene upon scene of the two of us flashed through my head, colors drained and atmosphere dull. 

That used to be happy. 

That used to be perfect. 

What happened? 

Was it ever perfect? 

“You think you’re a hero?”

Then the tears come. They sting too.

“And they’ll tell you, you are!”

And now sobbing. I love this, really, it’s great.

It’s amazing feeling like shit, like you can never be happy. It’s great being tired, it’s great running in circles and trying not to drive off the nearest bridge when going to your parent’s house. 

It’s great to be in a constant state of pain, and wondering if you’re leading them on. 

They don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve me and my fucked-up-ness. 

“’So stoic and handsome,’ and, ‘You’ve come so far!’”

Great, now my hands are bruised. 

Though, I guess I kind of deserve it. Especially after what I started, I deserve it. 

Nothing more than an asshole and an idiot, doing what I did and what I’m doing now. 

How can I see their face again and still have the gall to embrace them? 

I’m starting to think that all I’m good for is a good fling. 

That seems like the only course of action that I can take without it hurting. 

“You think you’re villain, but I know you’re not!”

Really now? 

Really now? 

I’m not a villain? 

...

I don’t believe it. I can’t. 

“Under all that angst and anger is a beating, human heart.”

Not true. 

“What about the lonely little girls?”

“I’m sorry!” 

Stop-

“What about her monsters who prevailed?”

“I’m sorry!” 

Stop, not this, please not this-

“You never came to save my world-”

No- 

“What about me?”

“What about us?”

‘What about us?’...

What. About. Us?

WHAT ABOUT US? 

You never came for me when I needed you most, you only decided to come at the worst possible times. 

You claim that you’re here to make me happy, you claim that you’re here to make things easier and help me get better, but you don’t! You never did! You’ve caused more harm than good more often than not! You’ve hurt me more than I could ever dream of hurting others! 

And the worst part about it is that...you’re still me. 

You are still me....

...Why do you have to be a part of me?

“I recognize that you’re upset, I know they did you wrong.”

“Oh, you know nothing of me!”

“Oh, you know nothing of me!”

I did it. 

The mirror is now in shards, about a fifth of them lodged in my hand.

I couldn’t hear the shatter. I could only hear them...

Them, that nasty little prick of a voice that makes me ‘happy’...

“But trust me, please believe me - this won’t stop the hurt for long!” 

Lies. 

That’s all they are, just lies. 

...right?

“We don’t need to end like this! Look me in the eyes...”

“Here comes the hero complex....”

Oh, the hero complex, indeed...

Gotta love it, being so stupid that you don’t even realize that youst  head is shoved so far up your ass that you assume the red sheen over the world is your rose-colored glass when really it’s just the copious amount of feces clouding your vision. 

“I may be a villain...”

“You call yourself a villain...”

Am I the villain? Truly?

“But you’re the one who lies.”

“But we know it’s a disguise.”

Yeah, seems about right. 

I really must be the villain by now. 

Especially now. 

“So, you’re back at it again, twisting and manipulating every word I’ve said....”

Let me guess....

“Come on, you know that’s not true - I’m just trying to help you! Let me help you!”

‘I’m trying to help you! Let me help you!’

Yeah, seems about right. 

“You are not my hero! You don’t know how it felt...”

Hitting the nail on the head, really. 

The pessimist in me has always been right, from what I could observe. 

“What else could I do with the cards that I’ve been dealt?”

The first one, the next one, the third, fourth, fifth, sixth....

This may be the only good ‘card’ that I’ve gotten. 

“You are not the villain! You once held my hand.”

....

I can’t do this anymore. 

“Stand up. Get out.”

‘Sometimes things don’t go as planned.’

I pulled my trembling body away from the mirror, blood dripping from my hands and tears staining my face. I was still struggling to breathe, and my heart was still racing. 

But I can’t do this anymore. 

‘NEW MESSAGE: Darling <3′

Delete. 

I deleted the chat I had with them and proceeded to type out a long-winded response. 

I didn’t know what else I was to do in this scenario. 

‘Hey.

‘It’s pretty shitty of me to do this to you, as I don’t know if I’m really good for you. I’m fucked up, you’re not - you don’t need the baggage. 

‘That, and I don’t know how I feel about dating. I know I liked you at one point, but now....

‘I don’t know. I don’t know what else to say. 

‘At least, besides the fact that I can’t deal with this pain, and stress, and I don’t want you to carry my baggage. 

‘I’m gonna disappear for a while, but I don’t want you to worry.

‘I’ll be in a better place then.’

I grabbed my car keys and checked my savings. 

Getting the hell out of here would have never felt worse, really...but this needed to be done.