Hate when my brain just decides it's time to feel bad and anxious and I can't make it stop. Hate that even when my manager says 'you didn't do anything wrong' it still feels like everything she says is a veiled criticism. Hate that I'm stuck on when she said offhand "the assignment was very late" when I literally have emails that show it was not. Hate being told that if I don't start using AI there will be consequences and that not using it makes my work look unprofessional and will make me fall behind in my career. Hate that I was up until 2:00 AM last night able to sleep because I couldn't format a word document correctly and it made my work look sloppy. Hate that I've been doing this job for seven and a half years and this year it feels like maybe everybody was just lying when they said I was good at it. Hate that everything is now about internal optics. Hate that my manager says all the time that nothing will come of any of our work and it's pointless but in the same breath basically says a typo or running out of water bottles at a meeting is career suicide and the worst thing that can happen to us. Hate that everything I feel good about my manager thinks turned out terribly. I feel fucking insane. I feel like everyone is suddenly opperating from a different set of rules that I don't know, and that my manager who is younger than me, has been in this position for less than a year, and was at my level before that, can make me feel like a lazy and stupid child, even when she is never unkind or mean. And how am I even supposed to apply for other jobs if actually it turns out nobody has trusted me to do the kind of work that I'm supposed to be doing at my level? I can't even format a fucking briefing note right because mainstream technology is getting more and more inaccessible and people care less and less about accessibility. Most of all I hate that I know from the outside this all is the most petty stupid office job bullshit and it absolutely does not matter in the real world and yet even when I try to distract myself I just have a non-descript pit in my stomach that I wouldn't even know how to address.
