#birditos

JAY

I knoooow, right! When you said that they deserved to have some “quality alone time,” Mom was so into it.

ROBIN

You could just see it in her eyes.

JAY

I bet they’re doing a bunch of dumb tourist things, like always.

ROBIN

Can’t you just imagine them?

CUT TO:

MOM and DAD sharing a candlelit dinner, rose petals swirling all around them, DAD stoic as always, MOM heaving a dreamy sigh, her eyes sparking and dewy.

JAY (V.O.)

A cheesy romantic dinner for two…

CUT TO:

A glittering coastline, palm trees dotting the sandy beaches.

JAY (V.O.)

Mom and dad in a palm tree…

CUT TO:

DAD flexing and winking in a speedo.

ROBIN (V.o.)

Dad soaking up the sun in his speedo...

ABRUPTILY CUT BACK TO THE BIRDHOUSE:

JAY is squinting and looks mildly disturbed.

JAY

I’d rather not imagine that.

Robin slides up closer to JAY to teasingly whisper into his ear.

CUT TO:

MOM reclining flirtatiously in a bikini, winking at DAD.

ROBIN

Mom loooounging in her bikini~

CUT BACK TO BIRDHOUSE:

JAY

Eugh! Robin!

JAY shoos her away from him as ROBIN laughs.

JAY

I know Dad was really excited to poop on some convertible cars. He practically lives to poop on convertible cars.

ROBIN

Well I know what I’m excited for.

JAY

You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

ROBIN

Oh, you know I am.

CUT TO:

JAY and ROBIN sitting on the couch, really into a video game they are playing together. The light from the screen flickering across their faces with the sounds of a fast paced, high energy game. They’re moving all around and shouting at the screen, laughing and screaming.

JAY

GET IT, GET THE THING!

ROBIN

AUUUUGH. I CAN’T GET IT.

JAY

CHIRPCHIRPCHIRPCHIRPCHIRP.

ROBIN

I GOT IT! Ahahaha!

ROBIN makes a sound like a victorious air horn.

JAY

We’re gonna beat this game in NO TIME.

CUT TO:

Night has fallen, JAY and ROBIN haven’t moved. They are completely motionless except for their hands still playing the game. Their faces are blank, but the same fast paced, high energy game can be heard coming from the TV. They look slightly haunted. The sun rises and falls on their faces multiple times.

CUT TO:

JAY and ROBIN passed out on the couch, empty sunflower seed bags and fruit snack bags are strewn all around. A loud rumble comes from JAY’s stomach.

JAY

Robin… c-check the fridge again.

ROBIN

There’s nothing left, Jay. Nothing. Everything is nothing.

ROBIN has a distant look on her face, it’s uncertain exactly where she’s staring.

JAY groans as both their phones buzz. JAY checks his phone and gasps.

JAY

Robin. Did you see mom’s new Instatweet?

ROBIN leans over to look at JAY’s phone.

ROBIN

What is that?

CUT TO: The most beautiful picture of a wet Mexican burrito that you have ever seen. It exudes tastiness and carnal satisfaction. It’s nestled between rice and beans with cheese delicately sprinkled on top. The picture has a fancy filter over it to make it practically otherworldly, followed by the caption, “#birditos #lol.” This is the burrito to end all burritos.

JAY and ROBIN

I need it.

They both unceremoniously get up off the couch as if they were never dramatically starving and dust themselves off.

ROBIN

Well. Guess that’s it then.

JAY

Yep, let’s go.

CUT TO:

JAY and ROBIN buying plane tickets on their computer.

CUT TO:

Two realistic song birds in a live-action plane terminal environment, printing their boarding passes, waiting to board, and then waiting for the fasten your seatbelts sign to go on as they sit side-by side in their own plane seats, with human passengers looking confused. JAY and ROBIN are completely dead-pan the entire time, because they are just normal birds.

CUT TO:

A map of the US, and a little plane symbol makes a beeline from a northeast state down to the Southern Californian coast in a matter of seconds.

CUT TO:

JAY and ROBIN disembark and fly directly to the restaurant their parents are at. Practically no time has passed, their parents haven’t even started to eat their food. When they arrive, there are already two placemats set for them with their own burritos. MOM was expecting them. JAY and ROBIN dive face-first into their burritos.

MOM

Wow, you almost made it four whole days on your own! Isn’t that great? They grow up so fast, don’t they, hon?

DAD nods in solemn agreement.

JAY and ROBIN come up for air, their faces dripping burrito. Their eyes are dilated and gazing off into the distance.

JAY

It’s everything I dreamed it would be.

ROBIN

Best family vacation eveeeer.

MOM

So! Who wants to go to a museum?

JAY AND ROBIN

Auuuuuugh.

  FADE OUT:

ANDY looks up from texting to roll his eyes.

ANDY

Uuugh, there’s no way I’m excited for some dumb family vacation.

CLAIRE doesn’t look up from her video game.

CLAIRE

Yeah, bores-ville.

MOM is distressed.

MOM

B-but dears, it’s tradition! It’ll be fun! Your father and I will-

ANDY

Want to do a bunch of boring stuff, yeah, no thanks.

CLAIRE

Why don’t you and dad go… hang out or something. Some quality together time, ya’know.

MOM

Well, I suppose that does sound nice…

CLAIRE

It does, doesn’t it? You deserve it.

MOM’s expression grows distant as she imagines an array of situations.

CUT TO:

MOM and DAD enjoying a romantic dinner for two, lounging in a beach palm tree in swim suits, pooping on convertible cars, etc. and gets increasingly tempted.

MOM

A-and you guys think you’ll be okay?

ANDY

We’re not hatchlings anymore, Mom.

        CLAIRE

          Yeah, Mom, we can handle it.

MOM

And you’ll have your phones?

ANDY and CLAIRE both hold up their phones.

MOM struggles to decide between a dream vacation and her better motherly judgment, sweat beading on her forehead.

CUT TO:

ANDY and CLAIRE staying up all night, eating obviously expired food, and setting the house on fire, but the dream of herself on the beach in a bikini and Dad in a speedo pushes her worries aside. Dad flexes and winks at Mom in the dream and she blushes.

MOM

O-oh, my! A Migration all to ourselves... The possibilities. I’ll tell your father!

MOM hurries away and ANDY and CLAIRE wait until she’s gone before they both turn to each other excitedly.

ANDY and claire

Home alone!

ANDY

I can’t believe it!

CLAIRE

No boring Winter Migration for us!

ANDY

I can’t wait to-

MOM reenters the room.

MOM

Your father thinks it’s an excellent idea! …But if you break anything he’ll feed you to a snake~! Haha. Your father’s so funny. But really.

ANDY and CLAIRE exchange a glace.

MOM

Oh, and just a quick change of plans, your father and I are gonna fly a little more south this year than usual. There was a coupon for a hotel (El Pollo Del Mar), and you know how I love good deals!

ANDY

Oh, we know.

CLAIRE

I bet you can’t wait, you totally should get going!

DAD appears wearing a fanny pack and sunglasses, with his wallet hanging from a necklace.

MOM

Uhm! Okay, well, there’s plenty of food in the fridge…

DAD opens the door to the birdhouse and seductively raises eyebrows, and MOM hurries her mom-speech.

MOM

A-and text us every day to make sure you’re okay, okay? OKAY! LOVE YOU, BYE!

MOM flies out the door and DAD squints a stern warning at them before following MOM.

A few moments of silence pass before ANDY and CLAIRE give a satisfied nod and share a fist bump.

ANDY

Yesssss.

CLAIRE

Let’s do this.

CUT TO: ANDY and CLAIRE partying all night, blasting music, talking on the phone, playing video games and jumping on the beds.

THE BIRDHOUSE – TWO DAYS LATER

A tumble weed rolls by, the house is a desolate ghost town. The camera pans over strewn open cabinets and empty potato chip and fruit snack bags. ANDY and CLAIRE are lying on the floor, looking decrepit and feeble. Their stomachs growl.

ANDY

Claire… c-check the fridge again.

CLAIRE crawls over to the fridge and uses the last of her depleted strength to open the door. The fridge is mostly empty except for some questionable items.

CLAIRE

I mean… this milk is only a few weeks old?

CLAIRE’s stomach growls loudly.

ANDY

Maybe it’s not that bad?

CLAIRE sniffs the milk and gags.

CLAIRE

Why do we even HAVE that?

ANDY groans as both their phones buzz.

ANDY

Ohmygosh, Claire. Did you see mom’s new Instatweet?

CLAIRE

What is that?

CUT TO: The most beautiful picture of a wet Mexican burrito that you have ever seen. It exudes tastiness and carnal satisfaction. It’s nestled between rice and beans with cheese delicately sprinkled on top. The picture has a fancy filter over it to make it practically otherworldly. This is the burrito to end all burritos.

ANDY and claire

I need it.

They both unceremoniously get up off the ground as if they were never dramatically starving and dust themselves off.

CLAIRE

Well. Guess that’s it then.

ANDY

Yep, let’s go.

CUT TO: ANDY and CLAIRE buying plane boarding passes for Mexico on their computer.

CUT TO: Two realistic song birds in live-action plane terminal environment, printing their boarding passes, waiting to board, and then waiting for the fasten your seatbelts sign to go on as they sit side-by side in their own plane seats, with human passengers looking confused. ANDY and CLAIRE are completely dead-pan the entire time, because they are just normal birds.

CUT TO: A map of the US, and a little plane symbol moves from a northeast state down to Mexico in a matter of seconds.

CUT TO: ANDY and CLAIRE disembarking and flying directly to the restaurant their parents are at. Practically no time has passed, their parents haven’t even started to eat their food. When they arrive, there are already two placemats set for them with their own burritos. MOM was expecting them.

MOM

Wow, you almost made it two whole days on your own! Isn’t that great? They grow up so fast, don’t they, hon?

DAD nods in solemn agreement.