#biolocation

noun

1.the state of being or the ability to be in two places at the same time.

As humans were designated to one body in the confines of time. We can only be physically in one place at a time. However there are states in which we feel as if we were across multiple places or wish to be.

Think of a dream when your asleep. Your fixated in your bed but in a world that is your own mentally. 

You see I’ve always suffered from biolocation. I am & am not somewhere. While I am physically present & in tune with my surroundings sometimes I’m simply not all there mentally. Reminiscent of Patrick Bateman from the American Psycho classic (minus the whole serial killer vibe), 

To be in one place but entirely encompassed by your thoughts. Eventually you become so good at being separated consciously that its all you know. I can carry on a conversation, soak in all the details & events around me, even recall those memories later on. However if you asked me where my head was at the time I couldn’t begin to pinpoint it.

Maybe it stems from habits of work & the constant need to be “plugged in” as they say. An idea that the work, worry, and so on never stops. I remember someone once telling me If you want to be ahead, first you need to think ahead. Maybe I took that advice to much to heart.

It’s like seeing something occur & then within your head playing out the future results of said action. 

Does it prevent me from being completely in the present? Yes & no. While I can experience the best experiences in the moment I can also be simultaneously planning for the worst. While on the other hand when things seem at their worst I can convince myself that better lies ahead. 

As I gaze upon my surroundings lately. The office, view outside the window, scenery of the beach, view fading into a blur as I drive,  glimpses of the sun setting or rising. I can be taken aback by its beauty & awe.

However the same phrase plays through my head as If it’s a broken record.

This isn’t it. Everything you see before you isn’t it.

I used to fight this idea. Smack myself as if to say be present. However it took me some time to realize this is who I am. If anything I’m more aware this way then anything else. Aware of not just whats is physically in front of me but what lies ahead. I’ll always have that level of disconnect the same way others can look into their phone screen with so many around them & get lost in the glow. I think about the ways I can improve myself, the world, my work. Where I can adjust more time to fix this thing or that thing. A constant check & balance on where I’m at & where I’m heading.

So until then I’ll proceed to keep my foot halfway through the door so to speak. Aware of the present enjoying & taking in the memories I can. While also looking ahead, retreating to the place where I know I can make sense of things. 

This is mankind’s common failure, never to anticipate storms when the sea is calm.