#binahod

ive been thinking a bit about arbiters and like. how we as humans can do all kinds of heinous shit and even become used to it, good at it, but none of that means that we were ever like built or meant to. and for binah thats not only being an arbiter but also all the extraction and talking to carmen in the well (and iirc over the 10,000 years of the loops).

so the ocd begins pre-lobcorp with her killing as an arbiter. its managable as garion, in lobcorp it starts to become more and more blurry which thoughts and hers and which are intrusive, and in ruina they grow more intense as Nothing Happens (in comparsion to the murdering + extraction/well shit before and during lc) after shed gotten so, so used to it

the hypersexuality happens in ruina and is along the same lines. part of binah like subconsciously realizing she has freedom now and can do whatever she wants, experience new things, and like. is actually Free. and while she consciously mulls over these ideas in her mind, idk how much she truly accepted these things or like. how much it actually set it. until some kind of (random?) moment.

actually that moment is probably meeting hod again (or having a one on one with her after becoming acquaintances again in public settings), since this is all kinda intertwined with lc + ruina binahod lol

and i think she just stares at hod and intrusively thinks like. i could kill you now. i could do anything to you now. i can do anything to you right now. and youre just here, waiting, unaware. just imagine,

and ofc with it being binahod the gore and romantic/sexual aspects intertwine and blur together. whats intrusive and not blurs together. for a moment i think binahs mind would be like. half-consumed and half-self aware. holding a conversation but being unnaturally stiff/still. and i feel like hod would notice but theres 2 lobillion reasons it could be that way, and its polite not to mention it, so,

overall i think binah is aware of the intrusive thoughts (from her time as garion and from there, as it got blurrier, just noticing patterns. her judgement of whats intrusive/real is worse in lc though and meshes into her entire personality/worldview), but not much about ocd as a whole, while hod and yesod just know its ocd, know and use studied coping mechanisms, etc. etc. binah does have coping mechanisms of her own but they start to fail in ruina bc the dullness of lc begins to be replaced with new ruina experiences... and plus she could alsays use more. and a support system <3

sketches from last month bc i realized i havent posted anything here in a while

Binahod