#bigbluederp

Whatever you have I feel like its all the same. Just another term, another point of view, another generation in present - like deja vu. 

What I am getting at is since I moved back in with my father, at a late age for my personal views, I felt like I was less. I shouldn’t though.. 

“You know I’m always here for you, you are my daughter.”  “You know I would be pretty lonely if I didn’t have you living with me” 

 I am sure my mother says the same thing to her son, my brother where they are. My brother and I don’t get along too well. While I had just moved back with my dad he was visiting from my mothers, we got into a good fight and I don't think well be seeing each other for a few years. We are so different for being raised the “same” 

My parents got divorce about two years ago. I was moved out for two years prior. I knew this was coming, I knew since I was about twelve honestly. It just sucks they waited this long. 

While my dad and I have decent enough relationship, my mother and I do not. We never have, I never have felt comfortable around her. I mean I couldn’t even tell her about me becoming a woman, when I finally did she took a second to respond. When she did it was kinda like, okay? What do you want me to do about it, versus oh honey! Welcome to woman hood.  When I told my grandma about it she was all the way- WELCOME TO WOMANHOOD. It was just so different. 

I had a boyfriend my senior year of high school, we went on a few dates for a month before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Sometime during that month I remember coming home from a dinner, just chilling on the couch watching TV. My mother comes up to me asks how the dinner went, I tell her everything was good blah blah- then she asks if we are a thing. I says what do you mean? She continues with- “You know you can see more than one person at a time” I literally just turn back to the TV. I had no idea what to say, I choked up. I then realized my mother may be a... “hoe” She had told me stories from when she was a kid, high school stories mostly. Let me tell you, if she was another girl in my school I would have stayed away from her. 

All this makes me wonder, how and why have i turned out the way I have? My mother and brother are oh so similar and my dad is all the way on the chill meter. Looks scary but everyone loves him after one conversation. Then there is me, an emotional rollercoaster who doesn't like emotions, independent woman who likes a man, yet i wanna be alone, and i have no idea how to... life. 

This is my intense all over the place blog. I’m Bam and you can follow my “diary / journal” here on tumblr. 

Youtube channel has my blog/ work (firework) life :

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5kOA7brzlsGM_PDueyJvhg

Snapchat is always lit: @ bigbluederp

only five bc not enough reblogs holla

bigbluederp.tumblr.com

cumpiixie.tumblr.com

neckdeepdick.tumblr.com