#big crying

SINDRI:

Sindri was ready to be sparkly. 

He’d been trying to tone it down over the last few days, but he was actually very excited about the Pink Moon Dance. (It was Snowshoe Moon back home and all the rabbits were going to be coming out to play, but he was sure they had rabbits here too, so he wouldn’t miss them too much.) In his excitement he’d gone to the store and bought a lot of make-up. All sorts of things too. It was amazing what kinds of things humans thought of, honestly. He’d even seen color-changing lipstick, but he’d skipped that one in favor of some shiny, sparkly lip gloss that smelled like strawberries. 

Sindri had mentioned to Olaf in passing that he’d planned on going to the dance and Olaf had, of course, said he wanted to go too and Sindri was totally fine. He wasn’t freaking out one bit leading up to this whole thing. 

Until right now, when he was gathering up all his make-up and heading to the living room where Olaf would be sitting on the couch, probably playing a cute game on his phone. Sindri’s heart did a little skid in his chest as he thought about the fact that the last time he and Olaf had planned on going to a dance “together” (not that they were going “together” but they were going together and that was similar and Sindri was just freaking out a little bit okay) they had sex instead. 

The crux of the problem was this: Sindri still hadn’t completely confronted his feelings about Olaf. Frost, he wasn’t even sure exactly what they were or if they were wrong or whatever. Feelings were just so hard and, yeah, he liked Olaf, but he didn’t need Olaf to “like” him back or whatever. Or maybe he did and he was telling himself he didn’t? Or maybe he was just a horrible friend and he should be shoved into the path of an avalanche and get crushed by snow. 

“Hi, Olaf,” he said brightly as he walked into the room and put all his stuff on the table. Olaf looked so happy and warm today, curled up on the couch with a little smile on his face. It made Sindri feel all gooey just looking at him. “So I got us a bunch of stuff that has sparkles in it and these little flower pins we can put in our hair. I thought it would be fun if we got ready together. If you want to. We don’t have to. I can let you keep playing your game. I know you’re trying to get to the next level and stuff.” 

OLAF: Actually, Olaf wasn’t playing his game. He’d gotten to the next level and reaching markers like that should be enjoyed for a while instead of rushed through. So he put it away with that feeling of accomplishment in his chest, and now he was….downloading new emojis.

Heh. He just loved emojis! They were like stickers, which were also so cute and interesting, but you could carry an infinite amount of them on your phone! They dressed up any text to make it kinder, or sillier, or sometimes just prettier. So Olaf was trying to find as many emoji packs as he could and was teaching himself how to get them installed. It wasn’t so hard after the first pack. Mostly his phone walked him through the steps, which was very considerate. No wonder they called these phones smart. 

Honestly, he’d kind of forgotten about Pink Moon that night. But only in the moment! He would have remembered after he stopped focusing on the emojis, really. Olaf just loved his projects and got caught up in them.

As soon as Sindri mentioned it though, he tore his eyes away from his phone and smiled even wider than he had been at the cute flower pack he just downloaded. 

“What? Of course we have to get ready together! We always do!” Sindri said and he put his phone on the table, bouncing up onto his knees on the couch. 

The exception to that rule of course was that one time they’d been dating, and for some reason they weren’t supposed to get ready together because Sindri had to pick Olaf up or something--

It had been stupid. Olaf was happy to return to normal, when getting ready for Full Moon Dances was half the fun. 

He leaned over to look at all the human sparkly kits. “Oooooh, these are so different from our own,” Olaf said in observation. He picked up a light pink lip gloss. “Frosted Strawberry. Ah, this must be made for you.” He smiled and uncapped it. “Should we do our hair first or our faces? Oh, do you already have your outfit, actually?” That would probably help them pick these colours too. 

SINDRI:

Sindri did have his outfit picked out actually. He was really proud of it too and he beamed, a spark igniting behind his eyes. “I do! I was trying to remind myself of home, you know, because it’s Snowshoe Moon back home and all the rabbits are going to be out and about with everyone helping them gather what they need, but it’s also Pink Moon and I had to be mindful of that too since we’re here and--wait, hold on!” 

Sindri scampered out of the living room toward their room and skidded to a halt in front of their closet. He’d been working on these outfits for a while, scouring thrift shops and stuff all over until he found exactly what he needed. And he wasn’t a sewing talent, so some of the patches and stuff were a little crooked and bits of thread poked out at the shoulder of Olaf’s shirt which made it look a little frazzled, but Sindri held the silky pink cloth in his hands like he was holding a baby bird. He hoped Olaf liked it. 

When he was back in the living room, he shoved Olaf’s outfit under his arm and held up his own. It was a flowing pink blouse, long enough to fall near his knees and he’d painstakingly sewed little rabbit patches in various places. He also glued sequins onto it which probably wouldn’t last long, but they only needed to last for a night. “This one is mine and then I did one for you too. I don’t know if--well, it’s not perfect because I sort of made a mess with some of the thread and then your sequins were being a little difficult but--” 

Sindri held up Olaf’s shirt, almost identical to his except where Sindri had little rabbit patches, Olaf had hearts and flowers and things that looked like the stickers he enjoyed collecting. 

“Do you like it?”

OLAF:

Sindri already had their outfits? 

Olaf blinked and sat up straighter on the couch as Sindri disappeared. He expected the both of them to go to the Hollow to see what sorts of things they still had available-- nothing custom, because they both decided to go to Pink Moon much too late to ask that of the sewing-talents. 

At least, that’s what Olaf thought.

But Sindri came out with two tunics draped over his arms, things he customized himself. Which meant that Sindri had been thinking about Pink Moon before he’d asked Olaf if he might like to go. Which meant he’d worked on these when Olaf was probably at work as a surprise. 

But why wouldn’t he tell me?

For the first time, Olaf remembered their not-first-date years ago, and the memory hit like a dart. His throat constricted. This wasn’t one of those secret tricked-you-into-it-you-thought-it-was-a-friend-date-but-really-its-a-date-date date was it! 

And then all that panic, instead of snowballing, fell apart. Because of course it wasn’t. Sindri would never do that. Instead, this was a surprise, a kind thing that Sindri was doing for Olaf because they were friends and Sindri was a thoughtful person. Ah, how could he think the worst of his friend like that, even if it was just for a silly flit? Besides, look how lovely the outfits were and how proud Sindri was. 

Olaf smiled as his friend smiled. He brightened, one little watt at a time, until he was laughing and clapping as Sindri flourished the tunic he made for Olaf instead. 

“It’s perfect! Ah, Sindri, you’re almost as good as a sewing-talent yourself!” Olaf said as he popped up to take the tunic and whirl it around. He held it up to himself. “Oh, look at this little star on the sleeve, this one’s so cute.” He fiddled with the sleeve between his fingers then beamed up again at Sindri. “You should have told me though! I love sewing! We could have done them together.”

SINDRI:

This was where it got a little tricky because Sindri really did want to surprise Olaf. He didn’t know why he wanted to surprise Olaf. He’d even asked himself that question: Sindri, why do you want to surprise Olaf? The answer, in short, was because he wanted to make Olaf happy. 

Olaf looked happy right now and Sindri’s heart gave a little flutter because Olaf was so cute. But cute how? See, this was why Sindri avoided thinking about his feelings. He hated his feelings. They were so confusing. He was still the same Sindri and he still felt the same way about Olaf--he loved him--but then there was the whole question of how he loved him which was a stupid question. 

“I don’t know,” he said, shrugging. He was still smiling, though. “I guess I just wanted to cheer you up. Not that you were sad. It’s just, you get so excited when someone surprises you and I think it’s cute. You’re beaming, Olaf.” Sindri chuckled and poked him on his cheek. “If we turned off the light, you’d probably be literally glowing.” 

Sindri looked at Olaf for another second before abruptly turning toward his make-up box. “Okay, so I think it’s definitely time to get super sparkly.” He pulled out three kinds of body glitter and held them up. “What color do you want on your cheeks?”

 OLAF:

Olaf chuckled. And he blushed, a squirmy feeling that made him want to look away-- but thankfully, Sindri looked away first. As he did, Olaf relaxed and looked back down at the tunic in his hands. He rubbed his thumb over the patches, marveling at Sindri’s careful stitching. He wondered how long it had taken his friend. Sindri was actually pretty naturally crafty, even if he didn’t realize that about himself. It went along with being a frost-talent-- Sindri’s fingers nimble and intuitive and patient. An artist’s hands. 

He looked back up at the sound of Sindri’s voice again. He blinked. “Oh? Oh! Ermmmmm,” Olaf contemplated, tilting his head from one side to the other. He peered over the make-up box. 

“I think this rosy colour might be nice? And then we should do some sparkle on our cheekbones too.” Olaf mentioned. “If you have any little rhinestones? I dunno what Mundus make-up boxes have, icicles. These colours are all very nice at least.” He looked up at Sindri and once again tilted his head. “Hmm for you we should do something lighter-- or maybe silver. You look pretty in silver.” 

SINDRI: 

Sindri knew he was bright red. He could feel the heat in his cheeks and if he’d had glitter on already it might have melted off so it was good he didn’t. “Yeah, I guess,” he said, holding up the silver tin next to his face. “Probably because I’m so pale, huh? At least with glitter I’ll be a sparkly pale.” He laughed at himself, trying to stop his galloping heart before it got too out of control. 

He was nervous. 

He’d thought about this, obviously, because he thought things out. It’s who he was. But for some reason he’d neglected to think about how today might be one of the days he wanted to kiss his best friend right on his pretty heart shaped smile and maybe getting super close to him to help him do his make-up was a bad idea. “I don’t think there are rhinestones in here,” he said, turning away from Olaf again so he could dig in the bag. “That would’ve been really cool if there w--oh hey!” 

Sindri pulled out the little slip of plasticky paper that had little tiny jewels stuck to it. Body jewels, according to the package. “These will work, right? They are kind of small, but still shiny.” He plucked one off the sheet and leaned over to place it on the tip of Olaf’s nose before smiling. “Perfect,” he said, then giggled. 

OLAF: Olaf let out a tiny “oof!” in surprise at Sindri sticking the gem on his nose. His eyes went temporarily cross-eyed and then a laugh spilled from his mouth as he crinkled his nose.  And he reached without thinking much about it to take a gem from the sheet and stick it on Sindri’s nose as well. 

And this was nice. 

For a long time, there had been weight between himself and Sindri. It had nothing to do with him and Sindri though; it had to do with the whole world. In their Hollow, the melting made Sindri worry, made him panic, and then made him run away. In Swynlake, though he could study these problems, the problems didn’t go away, and there was always more bad news every day. His tests made Sindri sigh and run his hands through his hair out of stress. Their jobs at Pixie put blisters on their heels. Olaf didn’t know if the two of them were any happier here than they had been in the Hollow, if he were honest, and he thought about that a lot at night, when Sindri’s sadness kept him up (Olaf would never tell his friend that it did), so that it was like a second heartbeat in Olaf’s chest, like a bruise. 

But this? Right now? Sindri was happy. They hadn’t played like this, like fledglings, the way fairies should. And ah, it was the full moon! Life was beautiful today, and they should be a little in love with it, if Olaf was allowed to pretend that’s what love was. 

He was still laughing, laughing with Sindri, when he reached out again. “Okay, okay, stay still! We need to use these more strategically.” And Olaf very carefully peeled the little gem stone off his friends nose and gently placed it at the corner of his eye instead. “Ah, there we go,” murmured Olaf softly. He grinned. “I’m a genius!” 

SINDRI:

Sindri’s heart squeezed in his chest as Olaf leaned in closer to him--the affection he felt nearly overwhelming him and rendering him completely useless. This was nice. It was like back in the Hollow before everything became complicated and people tried to find meaning in everything they did. 

Sindri thought to himself that other people were kind of evil in that way. He knew that wasn’t fair and evil was kind of a strong word, but why did it matter if two friends were more comfortable when they were holding hands? Why did people have to pick it apart and make it weird? Why did Sindri feel like he had to explain his feelings to himself just to make everyone else happy?

None of it was really fair, so he pushed it all away. In this room, there was only him and Olaf, and he blinked a couple times before smiling bright and feeling very pretty, like a sparkly star. A question bubbled up in his chest and rose to his lips like the fizziest soda bottle in the world being popped open. He didn’t let himself think of all the weird strings and hidden meanings because right now was for them. 

Sindri beamed. “Do you think I could maybe kiss you? I just feel so pretty and warm and I think I want to kiss you.” 

OLAF:

Sindri asked to kiss him.

Olaf blinked. It was the first time since they’d talked about this-- Sindri, wanting to kiss him, that is. It had been a strange talk and for a few days after, Olaf had been quite nervous around Sindri, though he hadn’t let it show. But Sindri never asked to kiss him and so the conversation and Olaf’s nerves faded, until Olaf was certain it wasn’t something to worry about after all, and maybe Sindri changed his mind. 

But maybe not. Maybe-- it took a moment like this, full of laughter and sparkles and excitement for the Full Moon Dance to come. Like Sindri said, I just feel so pretty and warm and I think I want to kiss you.

Olaf could understand that. And you know, when he dated Sindri, all the best kisses came because of laughter-- or sometimes, the kisses made both of them laugh, and that was nice too.

Still, he hesitated because of that same worry fluttering in his stomach. He would like to kiss Sindri too. He would. He just worried about what was on the other side of that kiss--

He didn’t want to lead Sindri on.

He didn’t want to ruin their friendship.

He didn’t want to hurt Sindri. 

What if he said no and hurt Sindri anyway--? 

And then he felt his own talent, like a hand on the shoulder. Trust Sindri, it said. And yes, Sindri deserved his trust. When had Sindri ever lied to him?

So after that first second, Olaf smiled and he nodded. “Okay-- yes. I want you to kiss me too.” 

SINDRI:

He didn’t know it was possible, but when Olaf answered him his smile grew--bright and gummy--and his eyes scrunched up into little crescents. His hands found Olaf’s cheeks and he had to resist the urge to squish them before he leaned in and pressed their lips together. It was a soft, sweet kiss, and as soon as Sindri was done with Olaf’s lips, he moved to his cheeks. He smacked cute little glittery kisses along Olaf’s cheekbone up to his forehead and right on the tip of his cute little nose before pulling away with a giggle. 

“You’re just so cute,” he said, and his heart fluttered in his chest ten thousand times a minute. Looking at Olaf, Sindri was having a hard time remembering what it felt like to worry about anything. He thought if he could stay close to Olaf and hold his hand that everything would always be okay. 

Sindri pulled Olaf in for a hug. He wrapped his arms around Olaf’s shoulders and tried his hardest to radiate comfort. He wasn’t sure how Olaf’s talent worked, but he tried his hardest, squeezing his eyes shut and loving with all he had inside of him. They were going to go to the Full Moon dance. It was going to be like when they were smaller and they floated around holding hands and tasting all the different snacks. 

“Olaf,” Sindri said, pulling away with a soft smile, his eyes shining. “I’m really glad you came here. I’m glad you’re my best friend.” 

OLAF: Sindri tasted like strawberries from the gloss, and his hands weren’t chilly at all, but warm-- like he’d been holding a cup of hot cocoa before he cradled Olaf’s face in his hands instead. It felt nice, even as Olaf’s heart jumped, still nervous-- both a good and a bad nervous somehow at the same time. His lips parted after Sindri’s left his own, but Sindri wasn’t done.

“Wh--” was all Olaf managed and then Sindri’s lips were tickling him. Olaf laughed instead of speaking. His giggles burst from his lips, bright and bubbly, as Sindri’s lips moved over his cheeks and then his nose and then up to his forehead. There was a blush on Olaf’s cheeks, a strange twist in his chest, a light feeling, like clouds, in his head. 

He remembered this Sindri from years ago when they dated. Bright, sunshine Sindri, who wrapped his arms around Olaf in bed and kissed the funniest places-- his earlobe, his collarbone, the freckle on Olaf’s shoulder. 

Olaf liked that Sindri, less because of the kissing, though of course that did feel good-- but because of this specific smile Sindri got on his face. He always seemed so relieved, as if he’d been holding something in. And Olaf didn’t want him to, you know? Sindri shouldn’t keep anything from him. 

And neither should I, Olaf thought, another flutter in his chest that he couldn’t define. Nervous was still the closest thing. 

“You’re my best friend too,” Olaf said, smiling back at his friend. He reached forward to squeeze Sindri’s shoulder. His expression became mock serious. “Even if you did just try to eat me.” 

SINDRI:

Sindri’s cheeks were starting to hurt from all the smiling he was doing and they gave another twinge when he smiled even brighter now. He giggled, unable to help himself and he tried his best to make himself look more serious. “I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice wavering as the giggles tried to come back. “You just look so tasty.” 

With that, Sindri kissed Olaf’s cheek one more time and pulled away from him. “Especially now that you’re so sparkly from my lip gloss. I”m going to have to put that back on.” 

Sindri’s chest ached, just a little, when he thought about how he wanted to cuddle Olaf. He wished it were night time so he could take Olaf’s hand and lead him back to the bed and snuggle him. He wanted to pet his hair and give him soft little kisses until they both drifted off to sleep, happy and warm. The best sort of sleepover. 

He didn’t want to say that, though. He couldn’t say that. Because Olaf was smiling and Sindri was smiling and Sindri didn’t want to push anything further than it needed to go. He was scared. 

“I promise when we go to the dance I’ll be so busy with all the snacks I won’t even think of trying that again,” he said with a laugh. 

OLAF:

Sindri was so happy.

Olaf didn’t need his talent to tell, though his talent crackled brightly, like sparklers bursting. It was rare it felt like this-- mostly his talent was a horrible itch, often a physical pull in his chest that drew him to someone’s side. He could only satisfy it with a hug or a hand on the shoulder, something that told the person they weren’t alone.

But rarely, so rarely, a hug was an explosion. A happy, beautiful celebration of a thing. And that’s what kissing Olaf-- and kissing and kissing and kissing him-- had made Sindri feel. 

That feeling made Olaf dizzy with smiling and he wanted to press against Sindri and wrap his arms around him.

But it also didn’t belong to Olaf at all. 

He wondered what it was like to feel that kind of happiness all on his own, from something like a strawberry-flavored kiss. Why couldn’t he feel something like that? Why did he have to borrow from other people and wear it for just a little while, or hold onto it like a bouquet of bright, colorful balloons? Why did he have to let those feelings go and watch them float away and be left with, to be left with--? 

Nothing, whispered his inside-alone voice. 

But no! No! He could feel such happiness just not about a kiss. 

He wanted to burst with all these thoughts, explode like a hug but this time with a thousand questions, shake Sindri by the shoulders, pace around the room, flutter into several backflips in the air because maybe if he thought upside down, his upside down thoughts would be right-side-up! Sindri, what’s wrong with me, seriously? Why do I feel so happy sticking sparkles on your face and taking goofy pictures, or organizing my shoes so they’re all in one row, or cooking lamb stew for the two of us, or going on a flutter with Nemo, or getting compliments at Goodberry’s, but not about the right stuff?????????? My head’s a slush-fest! I’m a fraud! I’m a horrible, horrible fraud! Shove me into a LAKE! 

Yikes, that was a real snowball of a thought process.

Olaf had to stop that right now. 

So he did. This was a full moon dance and Olaf didn’t want to stress Sindri out over kissing, which Olaf had liked (!!) and gave his permission for (!!) and would even like to do again later, maybe while dancing (!!) There was no reason to cause a problem that didn’t exist. They should just go and have fun. Later, Olaf would figure. himself. out. 

He gave into his hug-feeling anyway, because now there were two hugs in the room: one for Sindri, because he was so happy, and one for Olaf, who wanted to snuggle into his best friend’s side, because at least Sindri would still love him, even if Olaf was a horrible fraud.

He hugged his friend, nuzzling his head onto Sindri’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and giggled. “Ah, it’s okay if you do! I don’t mind, Sindri. I’m just glad we’re going to another dance together after so long. Just like when we were fledglings.” 

You’re my absolute best best friend forever. The feeling surged through him but he didn’t say it. If he did, Sindri might think something was wrong.