#bhyk

I am not that creative, smart, and pretty. It took me years to accept the reality that I cannot be the person I’ve always wishing for. Someday, I wish, I will be the person I always dreamed of. A person with a sense and purpose, being an inspiration to everyone.

it’s just too sad when everything went wrong again. idk what to do with my life anymore. i’m just breathing not living. fuck the norms and standards. 

bakit kayo ganyan? ganon ba ako kahirap intindihin? akala ko hindi na ko ulit makakaramdam ng ganito eh. sarili kong mga kadugo hindi ako maintindihan. ginagawa ko naman lahat ng gusto niyo. sarili kong pangarap sinira ko para sundin yung gusto niyo. alam niyo ba gaano kahirap mag-aral kapag hindi mo gusto yung kinukuha mo? hirap na hirap na ko to the point na gusto ko na lang mamatay. ano pang sense ng existence ko dito sa mundo kung lahat ng mga pinangarap ko, basura na lang ngayon? lahat ng way para intindihin kayo ginawa ko na, pero kayo ba naisip niyo na kahit minsan na intindihin ako? naisip niyo rin ba minsan na nahihirapan na ako mag adjust? minsan naman pakinggan niyo ako oh. minsan nga hindi ko na naiisip yung health tsaka sarili ko kakagawa ng schoolworks para makakuha ng mataas na grades para kahit papaano matuwa kayo sakin. hindi niyo naman kasi nakikita yung mga magagandang bagay na ginagawa ko. konting pagkakamali ko lang, sermon na agad, yung sermon na akala niyo nagbubulakbol ako. kahit kelan hindi ako nanigarilyo o uminom kahit madaming chance na pwede kong gawin yan pero kayo ang iniisip ko na baka madisappoint ko nanaman kayo. kahit ano namang gawin ko nadidisappoint kayo eh. bakit ganyan pa rin kayo? kapag naaalala ko nga kayo laging sumasagi sa isip ko aral muna bago landi eh. kapag umuwi ako ng late, hindi naman ibig sabihin naglalakwatcha lang ako. pero minsan, lakwatsa na nga lang yung nagtatanggal ng stress sakin tapos iisipan niyo pa na may ginagawa akong hindi maganda. kayo na nagsabi, matanda na ako, kaya alam ko naman na yung tama sa mali. sa susunod ma, pa, support niyo naman ako sa mga bagay na gusto ko. gusto ko lang naman na maging masaya ako eh. mahirap ba ibigay yun? sana kapag namatay na ako, mabasa niyo lahat to. alam ko masama mag-isip na wakasan yung buhay ko pero anong magagawa ko kung ayun na lang yung way para makapagpahinga ako sa lahat ng ‘to?

maybe.. someday.

can i just.... disappear from here? i cant feel anything anymore, so much emotions just in a day. i dont have everything but can they just appreciate me for a moment? im so physically,mentally and emotionally dead tired. nobody understands me bc no one wants to listen. everyone who i trusted  the most left me behind, no one wants to stay with my side, no one believes in me, no one cares. but i know, there’s still a person who will never leave my side. Lord, thankyou for giving me those situations i almost cant handle but i still survived and became even more stronger. sometimes i just want to end my life but i always remember that it’s not the solution to my problem.

DEAD TIRED FROM EVERYTHING. FROM FAMILY,FRIENDS, STUDIES.. FROM FUCKING EVERYTHING. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK WITH, I JUST CANT DEAL WITH THESE SHITS ANYMORE. I TOLD TO MYSELF I SHOULD CONTINUE LIVING NO MATTER WHAT, THAT I SHOULD CONTINUE TAKING THIS PATH BUT THESE BULLSHITS ARE STRESSING ME OUT. IM SO FED UP WITH THESE PROBLEMS. GOD PLEASE GIVE ME SIGNS. IM SO TIRED, I JUST WANT TO REST. 

Months have been passed, feelings changed. It is already secondqtr but it feels like I need to pass through thousand years to accomplish this senior year. Yep, I’m already tired. Senior life is so stressful and challenging. I exerted so much effort in every different subject specially those major subjects and when I saw my grades, I was so happy because I passed my math subject and I got high grades with the other subjects. but I guess my best wasn’t good enough because I didn’t meet my parent’s expectations.

My first promenade. An unforgettable night indeed.  Probably because of the danceparty. Me & my friends dance on the dancefloor like there’s no tomorrow, but when the slow dance started, I expected that you will ask to dance with me. I expected that you will be my first dance. I searched for you but you were just seating afar from me. I know that you saw me because my batchmates and yours were gone in the dancefloor. I was about to cry when the slow dance is about to end. That time, I realized that you don’t care about me anymore, that who am I to you to have that dance? I just fucking assumed that you will dance with me without any assurance. It’s my fault to have assumptions again. Fuck this expectation because it ruined my night. I always expect something from you. I always think of impossible things. its your last promenade pero wala kang sinayaw ni isa. tanga ko talaga.