#bgsdlist

If you’ve got anything in the BGSD arsenal about working when your heart is broken, I could totally stand to see that text today... 

I’m afraid there’s nothing pithy I can say that will heal your broken heart, nor make it easier for you to focus on the tasks at hand.  

The closest I’ve got in the arsenal of my own making is “the hummingbird just works harder in the rain.”   Pain and loss are inescapable parts of life and you may find some comfort in the simple acceptance that sometimes shit just happens and things are hard. You’re not being punished by the universe, you’re not being singled out for an exceptional burden. You are experiencing a pain. It’s awful. It is difficult. You will need to flap your wings even harder and faster to stay afloat, and that will make you tired. But you will stay afloat and the sun will come out again. 

Rest. Drink lots of water. Understand that you pay a physical price for emotional pain and your body will need extra love and care to get you through. 

Lean on your friends. Don’t isolate. 

You won’t want to hear right now that pain makes you stronger and that’s fair. But it does. Like a muscle broken down by overwork, you can rebuild and come back stronger and smarter. I say “can” because there are choices to be made as you rebuild and it’s important to take the right lessons. Do not employ magical thinking. Do not give in to the temptation to believe that this pain means something about your identity. If only you had a time machine to go back and be someone else, or whatever. No. That is time and energy you need to move forward now, not back. 

Understand that heartbreak is a kind of grief. You’re grieving for a vision of the future you had become attached to and that now you must let go of. It will take you some time to rebuild a different vision of your future. The one you rebuild will likely be dismantled eventually, but each time you improve upon the design, and when the rain comes again, you’ll find it takes less effort to stay afloat.  

As for the work? Do your best. If you are an artist, remember that the purpose of art is to connect us to ourselves and one another and heartbreak is universal. You have an opportunity here, if you’re up to it, to put what you’re feeling in your work. You may help someone else down the line, and that, we know, is the true source of happiness. 

To be honest, when she tasked me with this job, I expected to find floaters. So imagine my surprise when – despite no power to filtration units and not being fed for a long while – no floaters, all fish still alive.

The aquarium was thick with green algae and floating gunk everywhere, but me and my (other) sister ‘B’ managed to get all the fish caught with a wire colander and put into tupperware containers. The one problem being the more you pulled out, the more fish came out of their nooks and crannies. One fish, a large golden-orange bottom feeder, was the biggest surprise (pun intended).

This orange beast had red eyes and gave B the creeps, so I became the proud owner of this monster, and of the betta fish. B took home the unknown number of guppies, small trout looking things, and even fish that looked like piranha (but, they couldn’t be, could they?)

Anyway, once we went our separate ways, we were both unsure of what to do as new fish parents. B went to a pet store and, as a whole new aquarium with all the bells and whistles is quite expensive, was very happy when a store employee said they can take the fish and adopt them out to good homes. Excellent!

I went to a Pet Planet because I had no idea what kind of fish this orange beast was, or what he’d need to be healthy. The store had betta fish food, but not much else, and one employee (we’ll call her M), was very knowledgeable about fish and even shared some of her own fish stories, so I shared some of my quest as well. Being told I’d have better luck at a larger store in the south to find all the accessories this bottom-feeder orange dude, M said, “You know, I have a tank at home where this guy would be perfect in, I could… take him off your hands?”

I wouldn’t call myself a fish person, but I took this rescue-the-fish operation very seriously, and here was M, someone you could tell was incredibly kind and compassionate, who wanted to give this fish a good home. And I burst into tears. It’s silly, I know, but my job was to take care of these fish and now I was able to do so thanks to this random person I’d just met. I explained some minor points of what led me here and why I was tasked with this job, and she was so happy to help, it was quite the experience. When she learned the beast didn’t have a name, she suggested Fred. And the beast responded to the name, *I’m not kidding!*

Fred. “My sister would love that name for him,” I told her, and that’s how I made a random friend through a fish named Fred.

Anyway, all this is to say, is that silly little things like fish can bring people together, even in the middle of an otherwise overwhelming day.

PS: I fed Fish the betta fish today (the other rescue from my sister’s apartment), and I swear he made eye contact. He gave a huff, so I gave him a little bit more food, which he swam up to, ate, then stared at me again with attitude. And, gosh, if that attitude doesn’t fit the situation, I don’t know what does. But with that I’m even more dedicated to keeping Fish around as long as this betta has.

Good!  Me too!

By default, I am not a very organized person.  Thankfully I was raised with structure and learned good habits.  That doesn’t mean that I still don’t need a lot of help to stay on top of things (even things like taking care of myself).

We all go through seasons of needing different kinds of reminders whether you’re ambitious and need reminders to get back to work, or need a list of chores to get things done a little bit at a time.  Here are a few resources I’ve picked up over the years and use intermittently:

Cleaning

FlyLady - Website with optional daily or weekly newsletter. Why I like it: This method is all about progress, a little at a time.  In every email, Marla (”FlyLady”) says to not worry about catching up, just to step in where you are right now.  There are Baby Steps to get started.  They key is that it’s all about building good habits. Website 

Unfuck Your Habitat - tumblr posts reminding you about your chores Why I like it: These posts come right onto your dash reminding you that you just might have something else to be taking care of right now. Website ~ Tumblr 

Motivation

Bitches Get Shit Done - Texts or push notifications through an app Why I like it: Because they’re real, fierce, and coming from a human.  These updates are irregular, but that’s because they come from Kelley Sue DeConnick as she’s working and living.  You can either sign up for text messages or download the Remind app (originally designed and mostly used for teachers updating students and parents on class info). Kelly Sue’s Tumblr ~ To sign up, text @bitchesg to (971) 244-8342

The first two sites have even more information, resources, and even “get started” tracts on them.  I encourage you to test one (or all) out and see if they help!

Have other resources you like using?  Send them to me!  I take all the help I can get... and loving helping others in turn.

Speaking of which... You can also follow me, and/or track my Hufflepuff Mother Hen tag.  It’s mostly self care reminders and nudges.  As I find I need them, I encourage you to take care as well.  I’m no expert; these are just casual reminders.

Daily Stoic, via Kelly Sue DeConnick, 1 May 2019, Bitches Get Shit Done