#beyond feeling

I’m almost done with my mission application. All that’s left are my appointments and the final interview. The final interview, where I’ll have to testify of a God who is not answering my prayers. I just feel... empty. And so, so tired. Physicall and emotionally, but especially spiritually.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not even sure I know who I am anymore. 

Maybe a mission is the answer but maybe it’s not.

How am I supposed to figure it all out when God isn’t talking to me???????

Every FUCKING thing we read is like, “oh just turn to Christ, be faithful, you’ll have peace in your trial! <3″

Yeah, okay, sure, 

where is He?

There have been so many nights (most of them are recorded in this journal) where I have spent close to an hour literally crying unto God, just looking to see if He’s there. and after all this, every spiritual experience from my past just feels fake. Like I was deluding myself. Caught up in the peer pressure of girls camp and trek.

Months ago I knelt in almost this exact spot on my bedroom floor and wept, praying to God that if breaking up was the right thing to do then I should feel peace. I didn’t then and I still don’t. I miss him with my whole soul.

And now here I am again, pleading for something, anything. Any answer, any guidance, any reassurance.

I was prompted twice to tell Lincoln how I feel. Was that just so I could hear him tell me that he’s moved on, twice??

I don’t feel anything. Just this emptiness. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? This freaking sucks.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve prayed for peace, prayed for comfort, prayed to feel God’s love. Prayed for guidance, for answers, to know what to do. I feel nothing. All the scriptures and conference talks say that if I ask, God will be there. Where? Why am I alone in this?

I spent awhile--probably about half an hour--in the statue garden today, writing down scriptures that are important to me. And I felt nice there, but it wasn’t some outpouring of the Spirit. I just don’t understand why I don’t get to feel like God loves me and cares that I’m struggling. 

2 Nephi 4:20-21 are verses that I love and have copied down many times, but verse 23 says:

“Behold, he hath heard me cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the nighttime.”