#beyond broken

“You seem different today.” Sadie said as they went through the appointments for the day.

“It’s just a bit of a hangover.  Jessica had too many rums last night.”  She chastised herself.

“Did she now?”  Sadie jested.  “Good party, was it?”

“No party.”  Jess scribbled notes in her diary.  “I painted the bathroom.”

“Good for you.  We have to celebrate the little things these days.”  She squeezed Jess’s shoulder.  “You look great, by the way.  You’ve got colour in your cheeks.”

Sadie was the eldest of the dentists based at the practice, and she was one of Jess’s closest friends. At fifty four, she was twenty two years older than Jess but she was still young at heart.

 “Hey, do you want to grab a few drinks this evening?”  Sadie asked later as they were setting their tools in the UV steriliser.

“I’m meeting David tonight.”

“You mean you’re walking his dog while he spends time with that boyfriend of his, who you’ve never met.”

Jess had told Sadie some of her arrangement with David and she hadn’t approved.  The consensus was that Jess needed time for herself and not to be the enabler for the self-destructive behaviours her not-quite-brother-in-law displayed.  He needed real help and Jess was too soft to force him to face his issues.

It wasn’t that simple. Jess also needed him.  His high demand on her time kept her busy and mentally occupied.  It distracted her from her own pain.  She knew that was also not healthy.

“I can do after ten?” Jess offered with a shrug.

“Another time, maybe.” Sadie gave her sad smile.  “Don’t make me abduct you one night.”  She hugged her briefly and left Jess to lock up.

 David was waiting impatiently at Neptune’s.  He handed her the customary offering of tiramisu hot chocolate, the dog leash and a peck on the cheek.  He asked how she was but it felt strained.

“What’s going on?  You seem stressed.”

“I really miss Silas.” He sighed, shaking the tension out of his shoulders.  “I must have it bad if I can’t go two days without seeing him.”

She didn’t blame him. Missing someone that bad was like a gut punch that kept on giving.

“It’s still new.”  She smiled reassuringly.  “It’s only been a couple of months, hasn’t it?”

Wow, a couple of months? Is that how long she’d been helping him lie to Bill?

“Almost three.”  He nodded, glancing in the direction he needed to go to meet his beau.

“Why don’t you bring him one evening.  I’d love to meet him.”

“Yeah I’ll ask him. Listen, Jess, I’m gonna go.  I’ll meet you back here at ten.  Promise I won’t be late.”  There was barely time for a reply before he was marching off. He hadn’t even walked her across the street to the park this time.

“Have fun!”  She called after him.

 Jess wasn’t fooled by the apparent amiability of the weather; she carried her waterproof poncho in a small tote bag and had swapped her heeled pumps for a pair of boots.

She meandered the paths of the park as was her routine.  Without David there talking she had more time to think, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing.  Daisy did her business and Jess dutifully picked up.  The dog was bouncing in and out of the bushes, excitedly chuffing as she snuffled around.  Jess couldn’t help but smile at her.

Down on the boardwalk she wondered if the lonely man would be there, and he was.  Sat in his usual spot on a bench by marker twelve.

She gave him a nod of acknowledgement and received one in return before taking up her place at the railings.   Both the sea and the sky were calmer than they had previously been.  Jess thought the clouds were thinning even further despite the cooling transition from evening into night.

The ocean always made her feel small and helpless.  To think of something so massive, uncontrollably powerful, and somehow alien, gave her shivers. It was natural to fear things we didn’t understand.  She imagined what it would be like to stand here while a ginormous wave grew out of the ocean, bearing down on the land and washing everything away, even her.  A wave like one in a disaster movie, hundreds of feet high.  She’d had dreams like that in the past when she was feeling overwhelmed and unsure of choices in her life.  She’d never envisioned one in her fully conscious mind though.  It gave her goosebumps.

 A shiver passed over her, and she came back to herself to find that she was not alone.  Swiping at the moisture under her eyes, she flicked a quick glance to see the lonely man.  He’d noticed her tears, a concerned look on his face.

“It’s calmer today.” She said, glancing at her watch. She’d been stood in silence for more than an hour.  “I still don’t trust it though.”

The lonely man nodded as if considering.  “Yes, those pesky storms are far from reliable.”

“Maybe the Lord of Thunder is angry.”

“God, of Thunder.”  He interjected flatly.  “He would be the God of Thunder.  Lord of Thunder just wouldn’t do him justice. Rather insulting if you ask me.”

She laughed at his dorkiness.

“Oh, my bad.”  She held her hands up in mock surrender, jostling the bell on the dog’s leash.  “God of Thunder, please don’t strike me down.” She spoke up to the sky with a light laugh tickling the cadence of her voice.

“He would never…”

She was almost lost in her own amusement as the lonely man looked ruefully out to sea.

 “Not angry, sorrowful.” He said after a while fixing her with a knowing look.  “I mean, I imagine he’s more sorrowful than angry.  Just a speculation.  Obviously I don’t know him.  How would I?”

Jess couldn’t help but laugh at his goofy ramblings.

“He’s an Avenger and not at all like anyone I’d ever hang with.”  He scoffed.

“I wouldn’t know.” She turned back to the dark horizon. They were deep in twilight now, the clouds a lighter dark against the coming night.

“You do not know The Avengers?”  he seemed surprised.

“Nope.  I know of them, sure.  But I don’t know much about them.  Wouldn’t recognise one.  Couldn’t name one.  Save for the God of Thunder who I now know is an Avenger, thanks to you.”  She shrugged.

He flashed her a smile that lit up his entire face.  Something dropped in her chest right down to her stomach, making her feel jittery.  Holy hell he was handsome.  And yes, there it was, the hot blush she got when she was embarrassed.  Just great.

“You have a little something on your neck.”  He waved his finger at her.

Distracted, she fumbled to feel her skin.

“A little higher.”  He rumbled.  “No, to the left.  No, my left.”  He watched awkwardly as she failed to find it.  “Please, allow me.”

When he stepped forward she almost jumped back, stumbling over the dog, who yelped.  Gasping, she gripped the railing to steady herself.  

The lonely man looked torn, stuck between a choice of back off or catch her.  He backed off.

Shocked by the sudden potential contact, she frowned.  She didn’t know the man.  Strangers didn’t just touch other strangers.  And strange men shouldn’t just go touching women who don’t want to be touched.  She supposed he was only trying to be helpful.

“My apologies.”  He said stiffly, his large hands held out as if to steady himself on unsteady ground.  “It’s just a dark smudge of something, dirt perhaps.”

“It’s not dirt.”  She rebuked, her pride kicking in.  She always took personal hygiene very seriously.

Sensing her offence, he backtracked.  “Not dirt, no.  Impossible. Definitely not dirt.”

“Poor Daisy Duke.” She crooned, scooping up the dog. “It’ll be paint.”

“Oh!  You’re a painter?”  He seized the opportunity to draw the conversation on.  “How lovely!  What do you paint?”

“My nails mainly. Occasionally I paint a bathroom.” She chuckled at his confusion, trying to bring the mood away from her harsh reaction.

Initially she’d thought him a solemn, troubled man, waiting out in the rain for some kind of peace. There was something about him that she felt connected to, like his outward display of – how to describe it - mourning, maybe, was akin to how she felt inside.  Now she saw he was light-hearted and really quite funny in an awkward, goofy kind of way.

Unable to make sense of the man, she decided to change the subject.  Time was getting on and she had to meet David back at Neptune’s.

“I better be going.” She gestured with a thumb directed over her shoulder.  “It was, ummm, educational talking with you.”

“The pleasure was all mine.” He smiled warmly if a little reluctantly.  “Would you like company on walk back through?”  The suggestion was hasty.

“No thanks, I’m good.” She said.  “See you tomorrow.”  The little smirk that curled her lip was involuntary and she turned to hide it, waving vaguely in leu of a goodbye.

“Good night!”  He called.

 David arrived at precisely ten o’clock, jogging around the corner, dishevelled like he’d rushed his clothes on only minutes before.

“Good visit?”

“The best!”  He hugged her tightly, planting a lingering kiss on her cheek.  Did she want to know where those lips had been?

She was always happy to see him happy.  It was more rewarding than you would imagine, putting yourself out there to help someone who then relied on you to help keep the balance of their fragile but fierce happiness.  Jess felt, in moments like these, that it was all worth the effort.  This feeling was exactly why she supported him the way she did.

“Did you ask him about meeting up?  I really wanna see this mystery man who makes you so happy.”

“I did.”  David was sheepish.  “He doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”

This didn’t sound good at all.  Usually when David got defensive it was because he’d done something wrong or because he knew that people wouldn’t approve.  It was rare that he wouldn’t tell her the truth however.

“Why not?  I’m not going to bite.  I just want to meet him.  It’s not like me seeing him is gonna somehow trigger your dad finding out or anything.

“He’s not ready to meet people, you know, out.” He tried to explain it away but couldn’t look her in the eye.

She felt the irritation rising up under her skin as a restless burning feeling.  She clenched her teeth, pursing her lips and going fully with the disapproving frown.

“I accept that you don’t have to tell me everything.  It’s your life.  But when all I’ve ever done is support you, the least you can do is not lie to me, David.”

“It’s complicated, Jess. I can’t ask him to do this.”

“David, so help me god…” She hissed.

“He’s married, Jess. As in straight and married.  As in going behind his wife’s back to sleep with me, his gay lover.”  His agitation faded as the words flooded out.

“Jesus…”

Her mouth fell open and she didn’t know what else to say.  She felt pity for him and his situation but she also felt angry for being kept in the dark.  Knowing wasn’t any better than not knowing.  In fact, now, all she could think about was that man’s poor wife.  People had so little left to feel happy about, after D-Day, that to wreck someone’s marriage knowingly was pretty despicable.

“I know what you’re thinking.”

“No.  No, you don’t.”

“I know you, Jess. You think I’m a selfish prick for getting involved with a married man.  I’m no homewrecker.”

Okay, so that was pretty close to what she thought, but still…

“He’s never going to leave his wife, and I accept that.  They lost their child like I lost Will and Mom, and he is all she has left.  He still cares for her, he’s just gay.  And this makes us happy.”  He gasped emotionally, shoulders hanging down.  “We found something together that keeps the darkness at bay, you know, we’ve both lost so much.”

A tear slipped free. How could she not understand? She’d lost as much as anyone.

“Jess, I’m so sorry.” He reached for her and she went to him, hugged tight against his chest.  He kissed the top of her head and rested his cheek there.  “I’m so tactless sometimes.  You’re always so strong that I forget you’re suffering too.”

That was her curse. She was always the strong one, the one people turned to for support.  She cared too much, gave everything asked of her and took very little back.

“Am I forgiven?” David mumbled into her hair.

The wind was getting up again, cold and gusty, carried off the see and straight up the street.  The effect was not unlike a wind tunnel during high winds.

“Not by a long shot.” She slapped his shoulder, withdrawing back to her own space.  “There’s going to be a free dinner in it for me sometime in the near future.”

“Cheap dinner though.” He cringed.  “I’m a broke-ass basic bitch right now.”

Daisy came running in at that moment and jumped up at her legs, laddering her tights and smearing mud up her shins.  Luckily the knee-length pencil skirt she wore was spared the muddy make-over.

“Oh you stupid dog, leave the girl alone!”  Bill bent, strained to pick her up.  “Davey boy, come get this dog back in the utility room, she’s getting mud all over the place.”

“No harm done.  I can live without the tights.”

“Hi!” David enthused, breathless, wearing a toothy gurn and wide eyes in place of a smile.  He grabbed Daisy and took her back to get her cleaned. “We’ve just been down to the old stream.”  He called from the other room.  “All the rain has turned it into a river and a lot of the land has flooded.”

“Surprised they haven’t concreted that over to make a car park yet.”  Bill scoffed, handing her a steaming cup.

“Thanks.”  She sipped and sat with William Sr. as he resumed his afternoon TV session.

Watching the news was unbearable.  People were still talking about Disintegration Day.  This new D-Day had surpassed the world war II D-Day by quite a significant factor.  Each city in America, and around the world probably, was erecting monuments, naming all those lost in what they were now calling The Infinity War.  She didn’t pretend to know what that meant but it didn’t change the harsh reality of the outcome.  We had lost but not without trying, apparently.  The scale of this attack was far greater than that on New York and The Avengers had been powerless to stop it.

Jess knew very little about who and what The Avengers were, besides work talk and her talks with David. There had been public out-cry, people slating the group for their failure, calling for them to be brought to justice for bringing this war here to earth.  What had become clear in the following weeks was that this Infinity War had been universal.  Half of all life in the whole universe had been wiped out. How can a small group of people such as they fight a war that large on so many fronts?  It was impossible.

Just leave them alone.  Jess thought each time she heard the criticism.  They’re people too.  They’ve lost loved ones just the same as us.

“You ready to go?” David smiled down at her.  How long had he been there?

“Yeah, sorry.”  She shook herself free of the stupor that had gripped her, taking a long swig of her cooled coffee.  “You sure you’re not up for a late lunch, Bill?”

David shot her a daggered look.

“Nuh-uh.”  He grunted without taking his eyes off the TV.  “I’m not one for these trendy wine bars and fancy restaurants.  You go enjoy yourselves.”

She chuckled, if only he knew how few trendy wine bars and fancy restaurants there were left.

“Why did you insist on inviting him?”  David pouted from the passenger seat.  His feminine side was really showing through more and more lately.  Silas was the likely catalyst for this development.

“He’s got feelings.  And inviting him at least shows we care. Besides, he never accepts.”

She pulled away down the cluttered street.

All but the big towns and cities were becoming more and more run down as time went on.  There were fewer sanitation workers now, hell, there were fewer of every kind of worker, but the same number of streets.  The Stark Foundation’s Disaster Relief Initiative had been put into place two  months ago, where the homeless and unemployed were all suddenly employed and homed thanks to vacancies and empty homes created by D-Day.  It was taking a while, but humanity was gradually getting itself back on its feet.  Things would never be the same but that didn’t mean it had to be all bad.

Jess’s dinner plans with David were mostly a ruse, just as the dog walking was, and virtually everything else in David’s life.  They grabbed something quick in an uptown bar before David shot off to meet his lover.

“I don’t know why you don’t tell Bill that you’re gay.”  She’d said to him once, a few months back.

“Because he’ll disown me and it’ll probably kill him.”  He’d replied, swiping through grinder on his phone.

“Has he said as much?”

“Yeah.”  David had stopped scrolling and turned his phone to her to reveal a sultry looking man with dark chest hair and a shaved head. “What do you think?”

“Too cliché.”  She’d sipped her cocktail and rolled her eyes. “What were his exact words?”

“To quote…”  David had dropped his phone into his pocket and stared at her with an irritated glare.  “’When are you going to get a girlfriend, huh?  Double-you-Jay started dating Jess before he was your age.  I swear, boy, you better not turn out to be one of them fairies or I’ll skin you alive and disown you.’  He also added ‘you’ll send me and your mother to an early grave, damned boy.’”

Jess had accepted that, yes, maybe William Sr. was a bit of a homophobe.  It had been a long time since she’d heard the old man refer to his eldest son as double-you-jay (W.J. for William Junior).  Bill got over that phase when she and Will got engaged. Maybe he didn’t think of him as a man until he was on his way towards marriage.

So that put Jess squarely in the realms of helping David lie to his father and covering up for him while he went and got laid.  It did make her wonder what kind of relationship it was, and would it last if the people in it could only see each other a few hours a day in clandestine meetings of sordid debauchery?  And they were debauched, David had told her as much.

Whatever works for them.  He’s happy.  Let it go.

At 7pm she found herself back on the boardwalk at Ocean Beach Park instead of back at the practice catching up on paperwork.  Heels and a skirt that limited your leg movements were not things one should wear for negotiating uneven terrain; she stumbled a few times on her way down to the waterfront.  The clouds weren’t all that dense yet, some of them looked more white than grey, which was a change.

She leaned against the railing by marker twelve, it really was a beautiful spot. The regal trees and grassy expanse of the park at her back, dissected by well worn footpaths and clusters of flowering shrubs, clean pale sands stretching along in front of the silvery-wood deck of the boardwalk, and beyond, the deep Prussian blue expanse of the Atlantic mantled by tempestuous skies, all perfectly framed by minimum human clutter.

“No dog today?”  A deep voice scared her into an undignified squeak.

Clutching her chest, gasping, she whipped around to face the man.  

“I apologise, if I scared you.”  The lonely man held his hands up in mock surrender.

“No, it’s ok.  Well, I mean, you did, but it’s ok.”  She panted a little, leaning forward to catch her breath again.

There was more light than when she’d previously seen him.  His hood was down revealing dark-blonde hair that was short at the sides and longer on top, a neatly trimmed beard and the most perfect teeth she’d seen in quite a while.  His smile faded quickly as he searched her face with concern, one crystal clear, almost iridescent, blue eye and one hazel eye scanning her reaction.

Heterochromia.  That was rare.

“Once again, I apologise.” He lowered his gaze and began to turn away.  “I shall leave you be.”

“No!”  She lurched forward with her hand outstretched to stop him. “This is kind of your spot anyway, I’m just squatting here.”  She rolled her hand in a beckoning motion.  “Please.  Stay.”

“Very kind of you.”

His accent was strange, English maybe but she wasn’t quite sure.  He leaned on the railing at just over arm’s length from her, respecting the unspoken boundaries that strangers should about personal space.

They stood a while, looking out across the water.  It was comfortable, she didn’t feel awkward until she suddenly remembered his question.

“No dog.”  She said, nodding embarrassingly, giggling a little at how stupid she sounded.

The lonely man dipped his head forward, a smile playing on his lips.

“She’s an energetic one. I trust your gentleman friend is doing his duty this evening otherwise you will have a rampant puppy to contend with tonight.”  He rumbled a short chortle at his internal imagery.

“He has.”   David was family, not a ‘gentleman friend’.

She continued to look out across the water, feeling the chill of the metal railings bite into her forearms through her white chiffon blouse.  It had been a mild day up until now, but with the light fading and the wind beginning to pick up she wished she’d brought her jacket from the car. Her sweater vest only did so much and, honestly, she hadn’t intended to stay so long.

“It doesn’t look as though it’ll storm so hard tonight, the air feels a bit lighter.”  She glanced to her right to see him nodding.  “Will you miss the rain?”

He looked at her then, with a pained look, mouth and brows set into a solemn expression.

“There are other things than rain to cleanse the spirit.”  His tone was almost sagely.  He offered her a thin-lipped smile.

“I suppose you’re right.” Jess had almost forgotten the cold by then.  Her mind was quiet.

They stood in the failing light until ten o’clock rolled around.  The lonely man was the first to break their mutual silence.

“I suppose I should let you go.”  He rumbled quietly.  “Shouldn’t keep you here any longer with my captivating presence.”  He flashed her a brilliant smile and she couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

“I’m not exactly handcuffed to the railings here.”  She laughed. A light feeling she thought she’d lost bubbled up delicately in her chest.  For the first time in ten months she felt like she might be able to find herself again, if only she could let herself feel something other than agonising loss.  “But I should go.  I’m the designated driver.”  She raised her eyebrows and sighed.

“I hope your gentleman friend doesn’t keep you waiting again this evening.”  The lonely man called after her.

“Me too.  It was nice to meet you.”  She waved from the start of the trail that would take her to her car.

Thor grinned.  He had missed the camaraderie between them all but they were also a constant reminder of his own failure.  He’d had a chance to put a stop to Thanos and had failed spectacularly.  Half of all life had been wiped out and there was nothing he could do.  Even their second chance had come too late; locating his sanctuary, finding the planet defenceless, facing the mad titan himself only to find the stones gone.

“I used the stones to destroy the stones.”  That purple monstrosity had said.  

Thanos was so sure of his inevitability that he didn’t even put up a fight when Thor hacked off his head with Stormbreaker.  There was no satisfaction in the act, only a solitary step out over the precipice to oblivion.

Thor’s grin was gone.

“No.”  He rumbled so deeply it was almost a growl.

Thor chugged the bottle, feeling himself get sucked down under a tide of self-loathing.  No amount of weak Midgardian ale could numb his pain.

“At least take the phone.” She softened her gaze.  “We’re here if you need us.”

“Very well.”  He huffed.

She was gone without another word.  Closing the door behind her as she left.  Thor knew she’d be back at some point, and if not her then maybe Stark.  Once they found him they never stopped coming.  

Thor had grown to like this town.  He’d been here two months.  He liked the sea and the solitude.  Not many people in this town recognised him.  He was free from attention, blame, and harassment.  It was the closest to peaceful he could get.

Right back after the snap, he’d found a place with his people in a little fishing village in the remote north of a country called Scotland. The whole village had been wiped out on D-Day. He took the village and renamed it New Asgard. But even there, amongst his people, he found no peace, only guilt.  They’d quickly found him there, The Avengers, asking him to return to the fight, so he had left New Asgard and went anywhere he thought no one would know him.

The closer you are to danger, the further you are from harm. He’d read that somewhere, wasn’t sure where exactly, but he’d decided that New London was just close enough to up state New York to put him under The Avenger’s Radar.  These two months had been the longest he’d gone without them finding him.  He cursed his storm inducing mood swings.  Maybe he should have moved into Stark’s basement and brooded there instead.

Last night had been the first night in weeks that it hadn’t rained.  He had been all set to let his mood bring more thunder but something had changed.

The girl.  He thought.

She’d been a delicate looking thing, sleek and slender, with radiant skin and dark hair.

Fragile.  That’s how he’d seen her the first few nights she’d passed him at his brooding spot. But there was a strength in her. She fought a great sorrow.  He could tell, even without his bionic eye.

Thoughts of her drew his mind to the man she was with.  The one who left her alone and out in the cold waiting for him.  There was something unsavoury about that man.  Thor didn’t much care for him but a woman’s choice in partner was none of his business.  It must be his ring she wore on her finger.

Flopping down on the sofa again he turned his attention back to his Playstation.

“Right then, Noobmaster69, it’s time to meet your doom at the hands of ThorsMightyHammer!”  It was a battle cry suitable only for a middle-aged nerd’s soundproofed basement, but he gave it with gusto regardless. Controller in hand, he set about the thrashing of one anonymous online gamer.

 The gym at Ocean Beach Park was open all night.  He’d been in there a few times when it was quiet.  Early in the morning or late at night was better.  He had basic weights there in the apartment but no treadmill, cross trainer or anything he could use to really punish himself.

No matter how much he distracted himself from it, the thought of the girl and her yapping dog wouldn’t leave his mind.  There was something about her that he was drawn to, some innate quality she was possessed of that he sensed, and liked.  

He told himself that he was going to the gym but instead he pounded the pathways of the park itself in a rhythmic and sweaty search for any sign of her.

She hadn’t been at the twelfth marker, nor anywhere along the promenade.  He checked, running its whole length, twice.  There were dog walkers still exercising their companions but none were her, and none of the dogs even looked similar to her little white and tan pup with the huge fluffy ears.  He didn’t see her gentleman friend either.

Perhaps she had been scared off.  Perhaps.

By the time midnight came around, he was dripping with sweat and extremely hungry.  A jumbo pizza and some buffalo wings were just what he craved. Eating hastily on the walk home, he noticed the little café across from the park.  The logo on the shutter triggered a memory of slender fingers grasping a paper cup with the same design.  Smiling through a mouthful of pizza he carried on his journey home feeling peppy. He felt energised, contently full of greasy food and had another point of reference for his mystery woman.