#bethanyhawke

Prompts used (with credit):

@summergreen009 — Bethany Hawke + insomnia due to guilt

@broodsys — consequences

CW: grief, discussion of parental death, guilt, emotional distress

Note: Not every sleepless night begins in bed. Sometimes it begins in a burned garden, beside a fresh grave, in the moment a person understands that grief is not the only thing left to carry. There is guilt. There is hunger. There is the terrible knowledge that one might have chosen differently, learned sooner, become harder before the world reached in and tore the old life open. This is Bethany not after the long nights, but at their source. Abelas.

Excerpt:

— There... in the garden... Her voice cracked on the first word. She swallowed, clenched her fists, and tried again: — We... buried her there. Walking slowly to the spot, Morrigan found a miraculously untouched flowerbed amid the charred trees. A shovel stood planted in the loose soil at the edge, and at the center of the trampled flowers lay a fresh grave, stark as an open wound. — Carver helped... but he’s still weak. Ebrin and I did most of it. Mother... A shaky exhale escaped her before she continued: — There were signs of a beating. Not much. She died from a clean strike to the heart. Probably... almost painless. They executed her. Like she was worthless. Then waited for us. She loved flowers... Father’s grave is in the hills nearby. Maybe it was wrong to separate them, but... Mother loved this garden, and I... I... — Memory matters more than the dead’s whims. Don’t burden yourself with guilt. What of this place? Sooner or later, others will follow Evou’s trail. I’ve no desire to repeat today’s “heroics”—especially if more than three come knocking. — Carver insists we head to the South Reach. Then either downriver to Denerim or with a caravan to Bannorn. It depends on Ebrin’s family. They’ll worry for her. And she’s torn between them and Carver. My brother waits for my decision, but I... Morrigan grimaced inwardly. — Cut the dithering. The fact you’re hesitating speaks volumes. You’ve another path in mind. Out with it. The girl fidgeted, then haltingly began to explain. The more she spoke, the steadier her words became: — Father tried to teach me everything he could, but I avoided true mastery. Being “special.” His life proved it meant hiding, enduring, abandoning roots—forsaking any chance at greatness. Sometimes I even thought the Circle might offer more than skulking in the wilds as a rogue mage, forever a Templar target. Why bother? Better to be normal. Less knowledge, fewer mistakes. We had an elder brother—more gifted than me, Father’s pride. After Father died, he left us behind like dead weight. I’ve heard nothing since... But perhaps he was right. By leaving, he spared us the danger of his presence. All this time, we were safe. Now... it’s late, but I want to learn. You’ve shown me what’s possible. I must face where I stand. I doubt another chance like this will come. Take me as your apprentice! She turned, but one glance at Morrigan’s face reignited her fear. — Don’t—don’t refuse yet! What must I do to convince you? Swear loyalty? Serve you? If— Morrigan recoiled, disgust plain on her face. Bethany clapped a hand over her mouth, horrified she’d made things worse. Yet the witch’s revulsion wasn’t for the plea—it was for the sudden memory of women grovelling before Flemeth, writhing for power like worms in dirt. Willing to trade freedom for scraps of knowledge. A sight Morrigan had scorned, though she’d fed from the same hand. But a whisper in her mind hissed the truth: those women felt no shame in admitting their place. Purpose defined them; pride alone defined Morrigan. And now, she stood in her mother’s role—object of devotion and loathing. A twist of fate she’d never anticipated. Silence stretched, but her thoughts raced. Shock gave way to cold clarity. — Enough, — Morrigan finally said. — From this moment until your last breath, remember: never swear oaths. Never barter freedom. Loyalty’s value lasts only until surrendered. Oaths are nooses for fools. I swore them to my mother thoughtlessly, and paid a hundredfold each time. Decisions and consequences—all else is smoke. Yes, the gap between us is as wide as the Dragon’s Peak. But if you’ve resolve, I’ll not bar your learning. Yet your path diverges from your brother’s. She arched a brow, waiting. Bethany lowered her eyes, thinking, then nodded slowly—once, uncertain; again, firm. — I’ll speak to him.

my piece for @black-emporium-exchange

Prompt: What happens when you fall in love with your best friend’s sister? And she happens to be a mage? Both of these things cause an existential crisis for Fenris, but he can’t help but feel protective over her. And when Garret Hawke leaves Bethany behind when he goes on his adventure into the Deep Roads, Fenris takes it upon himself to ensure Bethany’s safety. (I mostly went with this prompt)

Kite is a type of raptor bird like hawk

Treat For @CrimsonShield75

Garrett hadn’t wanted to set off for the big Expedition yet, there was still one more companion he needed to wait for. The grouchy Bartrand muttered- humans with their personal drama.

The steadfast elf had been running over to the dwarven district. Since Hawke’s message had highlighted Hey Fenris, sorry to trouble you but please come with haste! Need to tell u something important— the messenger recited it to Fenris, since his reading speed was still slow. It was daylight in the public square, Fenris had decided to forgo his full armour set, only strapped on his gauntlets.  He slowed, panting upon seeing the big group. Garrett’s booming voice: “Fen! Thank you for coming! Please, take care of my little sister. Templars found out about her, they’re coming for her.” Fen had mixed feelings, she’s a mage she should be in the Circle to be kept safe. But the elder Hawke’s voice actually cracked with emotion now. Though he was usually impulsive on missions, he always kept up his calm stoic veneer in their group. The companions who would be going in with him, Varric, Mage and Isabela watched. Fenris wanted to ask ‘why me’ but this was not the time nor place.

The rogues murmured assurances that it would be alright. Garrett was always kind and understanding with him… Hesitantly he patted his shoulder. “Do not worry. I will take care of Bethany.”

He was still shy about touches and being touched, but his best friend needed some comfort. Hawke gently hugged him, repeating his thanks, that they would try to send word as soon as they reached the safe camp in the Deep Roads.

Fenris hoped he could fulfil his promise.

*****

Two weeks later

Bethany

I heard the other apostates pleading and crying with the Templars to let them see their families. One last time, denied.

I hadn’t wanted Cullen’s horrible men to hurt Echo or Mother, so I had come willingly to the Gallows. Echo growled and was going to lunge at the men. I did not want to stop her. One of the Templars demanded- call off your mutt or you will regret it. I glared at Cullen and said, “You’re just as Fereldan as us.” He barked at them to stand down and wait outside.

“Yes. No soldier should be cruel to animals. We await you outside Bethany. Say your farewells.” He sounded contrite, but it was not like I had any choice. I really wished I could smite the entire despicable group with some spell. Mother was shaken and crying. I told Echo “Girl, do take care of Mother when I’m not here.” She made a sad whine as I hugged her, crying into her fur.

******

Now someone rapped on my cell’s door. I had been allocated a room with a small window, bare furnishing- a small desk and a bed. Because my brother had solved many of Kirkwall’s problems and his great influence, I was assured that they would treat me humanely.  Of course like the other mages, Templars would still be on duty to ensure I did not try anything rash like jail break.  I asked ‘Yes?’

“You have a visitor.” A gruff voice replied, with several murmurs. I stood up, surprised. Brother should have departed for the Deep Roads already, who could possibly want to visit me? My visitor stepped in, familiar mop of silver hair, pointed ears. His tattoos thrummed musically with my mana.

“Hello Bethany. How are you?”

At the same time I said his name. Fenris raised his gaze from the floor and a small smile played on his lips. The reticent elf was seldom outside without his spiky cuirass and big two-hander axe, but today he was casually dressed in a white shirt with dark green pants. He was shouldering a pack.

“I’m fine. Oh Fenris, I-I didn’t know you would come.” I invited him to sit on the one chair, while I took my bed. My heart was quickening strangely, we had been on some quests and missions together, but he had mistrusted my magic at first. I told myself --Stop it you’re being silly. Calm down. Fenris  is Garrett’s friend, nothing more.

 “I have free time today. After all, most of our companions have went on the expedition.” His gravelly voice was pleasant. My face warmed up at his soft emerald gaze. I busied myself pouring us glasses of water. The Gallows did not offer luxury beverages and foods.

He hummed, setting down the pack and showing me the contents. “These are for you, Leandra wanted to add in her letter, your doll and I’ve brought you some snacks too.” Wow I didn’t realise Fenris knew that I liked this rare brand of candies! All of them were my favourite buns too.

I felt astounded and touched, that Fenris cared enough to remember my preferences.  As I put my doll on my table, he asked me, “Did they touch you? It doesn’t seem like they feed you enough.”  

“No I’m ok. Um, can I ask you something?” I gently touched his hand. The raised scars were rough.

Elf tilted his head. “Of course.”  Initially I just asked Fen how was brother and how long he might be expected to be in the Deep Roads, and our friends. Fenris tried his best to answer me. His baritone gave me happy butterflies. Then the burning question, “You were quite angry when we first met, Fenris. I’m not perfect but can you learn to trust me? ”

He was quiet for a long time. Then he slowly nodded, holding my hands. That felt good and comfortable. Fenris’ ears seemed to be going pink.

“I did not mean you would be dangerous. Just that my experiences back there, most magisters only cared about crushing the poor and rising to power. Forgive me. I don’t want to argue now.” He let go of my hands and cleared his throat.

I changed the subject. “ You’re not totally wrong. Oh how is your reading and writing going? Can we write letters, Fen?”

He chuckled. “Um I am still slow but making progress. Yes let’s write to each other. Don’t worry too much, Beth.” He did not correct me that I had shortened his name too. Good start!

All too soon, visiting time was up. I began to see some silver lining to the dark clouds of my stint here.

**************

Fenris was keen to practise his writing, so as I waited for his weekly visits, I would be getting mails. And I enjoyed writing back to him too. I did not expect that Broody could joke in his own wry way, was honest and a really good listener.

Ave had a mutual friend in the Templars, who did not mind acting as messenger.

Hi Beth, I don’t know how spell your full name. Sorry. Hope u are coping well.

Yes I remember what I said last time, din mean all mages snakes. U are stronger than those falling to tempt.. – drawing of a small firebomb

(ah I knew he meant temptation leading to power)   Learning to sketch drawings. Deeply sorry din trust u. Indeed I was fearing to face D and demons alone, very thankful for ur help too. No I don’t only have black shirts haha. Whats your fav colour?   

Regards, Fenris

I smiled at his sentiments. Fenris often said the ritual had been agonizing to the point of wiping out memories. Any little stuff he could recall was a miracle. His writing was like a child’s big scrawl, at complete odds with his baritone of wisdom. I really appreciated how much effort Fenris was making to write.

For me, some nights had been tough to resist the different demons’ illusions—some would wear Father’s face or prey on my guilt, insecurities…. Then the templars’ interrogations. It was mentally exhausting to resist, I would try to visualise Andraste’s protection, but it also helped when Fenris manifested in her place!

In one vision, Fenris had longer hair and he sliced through all the desire demons and minions. He was a formidable whirlwind, using a shield and an Archon’s blade. Then I pulled myself free of the mental restraints. “Fenris! You’re here?” The apparition looked astonished, then he said something in a foreign tongue. It sounded soothing.

I thanked him. He smiled, then his form took on a blinding ethereal radiance.  I shut my eyes, tears brimming against the light. After that vision, I could sleep peacefully for a few nights with no temptations or night terrors.

Fenris’ mysterious lyrium tattoos let him step one world into the Fade, could it have been his Dream-soul saving me? I wanted to ask him when he came, but I worried that he would be upset. Visiting hour was so short, I didn’t want it wasted. Perhaps a more indirect approach would help. I took out a sheaf of papers.

***********

Fenris

I would often get letters from our friends, reporting on Hawke’s progress in the Deep Roads. It was quite slow going, Varric saying they encountered a couple of dragons. That worried me. These mails were not so private, so I paid the messenger a bit more to read them to me. Those from Bethany, I always brought upstairs to my private room, despite her circumstances she managed to bring light to my woes.

Hello Fenris,

It is okay to spell me as Beth. Last night something amazing happened- in the Fade I was being caught by some creatures and a person who looked like you came blazing in to save me! He was all shiny, bright, long hair and with your face. Instead of big sword, he was using a smaller blade with a shield.

What do you think? Could we talk more about this when we meet? Only if it’s comfortable for you.  

I do love your sketches,  yes I know what the bomb is referring to Haha!

Ah we only knew you were so furious when D had not been found. It must be emotionally difficult to cope with constant bounty hunters. My experiences may not be the same, but we always had to move because of Father and I. Mother would complain how troublesome it was, uprooting all the time.

I have many favourite colours- scarlet, deep blue, and green like your eyes. Why? Don’t have to buy me presents, I’m happy enough that we get to spend time together.

Yours truly,

Bethany

From my experience, Vint magisters would always be tempted to attain more power, higher status and become corrupt. Somehow I had faith in her, that she would not be like them. My heart ached reading her words, instead of demons she wrote ‘creatures’ . Essentially the same. Then a person who looked like… me saved her? And she had a romantic tone.  Indeed, I could not wait to discuss this with her.

Almost time to go. I headed for the markets to buy some trinkets to add to all the stuff meant for her. And a bouquet of flowers.

At the Gallows, Cullen walked with me to the usual confinement area, all the guards with their grim helms, shields and heavy armour. Today I wore an amulet on a long string to deflect the sensation of their auras on lyrium. Did not want to be hampered by the discomfort.

He said today she was allowed outside for good behaviour.

“She has never been bad, nor dangerous,” I snapped, not understanding why I leapt to her defence. We were at the courtyard, loosely guarded by plain-clothes knights. Cullen seemed about to reply, but held his tongue.

Some adepts were meeting with families, supervised, I let my gaze rove until I saw Hawke’s sister. Her hair was longer, and she seemed to have lost weight but her new pink dress was pretty. Her mother had it tailored.

She was seated at a bench with a table.

My hands were full so I could not wave but I called her name.

I felt joyful hearing her answer. “Wow Fen, are these all for me?” I nodded, beaming.

She took a long sniff of my flowers. “Thank you! Did you get my letter?”

“Yes. Do you feel safe to talk here? We are rather conspicuous. ”  I set down the pack. She peeked inside, saying I needn’t have spent so much. We went to a corner, away from prying eyes. Before I could speak, Beth gently cupped my face.

“You look tired, Fen. Did you… have night terrors again?”

I sighed. “Hm now you mention it, I will feel sleepy. Yes, I often sleep poorly. Helps with wine. Did you think that elf coming in the vision was me?”  It was intriguing to discuss, I felt calm though the Fade was a very dangerous realm.

When we were mutually quiet, I checked our surroundings. No Templars walking past. I whispered – do you want to be away from here? You can hide at my house. It’s haunted, people won’t think to search there.  

Beth’s eyes went wide. Naturally she was concerned, “But I don’t want you to get into trouble or be hurt. I know the Templar auras like Silence can also trigger pain and remove all magic. Your markings too. I can just wait for Garrett to come back, he probably won’t take much longer.”

Unfortunately she was wrong about that. I did not want to tell her the worrying news, not just my friend being in peril but all the rest of our colleagues. But being in the Gallows she was already stressed.

 “I won’t be in trouble, they all know I’m Hawke’s ally and associate. I can still defend myself. Don’t have to worry.” I reassured, reaching out to hug her against me. My markings protested a bit, but the skittering sensation was tolerable. It was a much gentler energy thanks to the amulet. Beth noticed my jewellery, it was a crescent with a star.

“It’s perfect, Fen. Do wear amulets more often.” She fingered it. 

Then it seemed like some visitors were departing, and a few guards were heading our way. It felt nice and snug, how her warm body felt next to mine and her heartbeats. I’m taking care of Hawke yes, but it does not feel like enough, if she stays with me I can protect her better!

I said softly in her ear, “Don’t worry, just think about it.” I felt her nod slowly. We enjoyed our embrace a while longer, breathing in tandem.

Clomp, Clomp the boots of the guards approached louder.

Gruff voice said- All right visitor time’s up now. What’s this, ain’t fair she getting so many stuff, we oughta be getting some too. As she stood up with my gift basket, the man moved forward to snatch it. I felt pissed and though I was shorter than him, I barked, “Keep your hands to yourself. How can a Templar be a bully?” With anger, my markings flared but the blue light was dimmed by the amulet.  Not taking my glare off him, with one hand I de- activated the rune. Then I faced them, ignoring the rush of fiery pain through each vein. A few gasps of shock around.  “Hawke is coming back soon- meanwhile this mage is under my protection,” I announced, standing to my full height.

The gruff man stepped back a bit, scowling. He grumbled some racist remarks- that knife-ear words don’t carry weight. Two of his colleagues watched us warily and said, “Don’t trifle with him, he’s decimated countless bodies, they all died horribly.”  Yet they did not fully back off, hands on their swords.

I braced myself. Bethany said behind me, “Fenris, be careful. It’s not worth the trouble.”  True, I would not be able to withstand if they started using their Silence on me and would get sick. In previous battles, I had struggled hard not to drop my heavy sword when it nullified my supernatural abilities.

But I did not condone bullying. I warned them, if they fought me today as a civilian, Cullen would hear of this.  Made them drop their aggression quite fast, the first man was still angry but they cleared a path for us.

I reined in the call of lyrium, my skin returning back to normal tan. “Let’s go. I’ll walk you back.”  Mage was quiet until we reached her isolated room, and I helped her to keep her things.

“Fenris, thank you for defending me. Are you alright?” Was her face paling? Why?

Now the adrenaline had left my body, I felt light-headed and my vision swam, dark spots. Her voice sounded fading and further away, no no I don’t wish to faint now, I urged myself but my body refused to obey me….

*******

I woke with a splitting headache, lying on firm bedding. My body ached but the intensity was bearable. I gingerly moved to sit up and felt arms around me for support. “Fenris, you had me so worried! You were out for quite long.” She moved away, then came back with a cup of water.  “I didn’t feel those goons flash their power, but you shouldn’t exert now. Rest.”

I was lying on her one bed. Since she was in mother-mode, I lay back down.

“I am sorry for worrying you, Beth. Of course I won’t let them bully you, you are… igne cordis mei. I promised Garrett that I would take care of you.”

She asked what those words meant, stroking my hair. I leaned into her touch. And her eyes filled with tears when I said them.

As I attempted to sit up, Bethany got me some of the cupcakes. “Perhaps you’re famished, on top of lacking sleep, Fenris.” I conceded. As we ate, she opened a book about healthy diets and explained about them. She also added, “You will need all your stamina to protect me. And when was the last time you cleaned your mansion?”

I raised a brow. Did this mean Beth agreed to my suggestion? She tried to look firm but was fighting a smile. “I- er do some cleaning every week. Merrill has been offering to come help me, said she wanted to poof away the mushrooms and what not.” I chuckled.

“Yea that’s her. I miss them all, even though I don’t understand what she’s saying half the time,” Beth said, going to her desk and scribbling something.

I felt strong enough to stand. The mage gave me a hug, then tucked the paper scrap into my tunic’s pocket.  She whispered, open it when you’re outside.  

On his free day, Elf started writing back to her on new soft blue papers. And he was beaming from the humour….

Hello Bethany –amatus,

Thank you for long nice mail and the wolf picture. Been going for some part-time classes, I can read a bit faster these days. Oh I’m shy from the compliments haha! U like my big untidy fonts?

Hm Denerim is more dirty and horrible than Kirkwall.   Orlais (did I spell right?) is way better, not dirty, but I don’t like ships. Winter so cold, no matter how many layers we wore. Ave and I could not stop sneezing the first time we went there for meetings. Can u imagine as guests also had to put on the fancy masks and nibble small bites of food? Cakes so nice but being cold made me hungry. Being elf, I expected not to be treated equally but Cullen and Ave arranged for me to sit together with them. I won’t have minded as I felt bored, sleepy hearing the talks. Always about the changing weathers.

Venhedis! Yes I can write this curse but don’t use it (smile) Faranor is so bad! I DID NOT need his advice how to flirt. Version 1 wrong. Actually his melee sword handling not up to par, I’ve had to make him train. No of course I wouldn use a magic battleaxe and am not reckless. Wounded that you laugh at me haha. I think he’s gonna be like Varric making up fiction tales joking at my expense. Yes Sabriel did ask me if he’s young, she doesn like old men. He’s much younger than us, possible 20-30 years? I defend him from charging enemies and he drove me insane not listening to instructions!! Sigh, what a naughty guy.  Don’t be shocked if we exchange fisties when I next see him.