#bess has problems

I truly love everything about him, minus the facts he's been married and is only 24... So, you know, the two things he can do literally nothing to change! I can deal with them but ugh it sucks. The closer we get to my birthday (November 4th) the more acutely aware I am of the fact I'm WAY closer to 30 than 25...whereas he doesn't turn 25 until December! And like...fuck. I haven't had a birthday make me feel old before, but this one already has. I always told myself I'd start feeling old when my older (by 12 years and 5 days LOL) brother turned 40...which is this year. I'm almost too old to join the 27 club! I know this is all in my head and he doesn't care and I'm just high and VERY hormonal. Also old. Also using the cursive font makes this seem light-hearted right?

Earlier this week, I went and had lunch with my mom and a few of my aunts and uncles... I had been looking forward to them seeing my new tattoo for the first time (my aunts had had total meltdowns about my first one and didn't react well to the others) so I could brag on it... But nobody even noticed it! Instead all they wanted to talk about was my w*ight l*ss and how great I look. I honestly have detached myself so much from it that it didn't even cross my mind they'd notice. It really bummed me out and still does, to the point I'm writing about it on Tumblr days later. Please notice and compliment something I *chose* to have on my body and have a lot of pride in! Please don't compliment my body! It's mine! You don't know anything about it! Ugh!!! Anyway in short I love my family but I don't think they know me very well. Even writing this makes me feel shitty!! Because I....ugh I don't know. I guess I don't really think I've lost any weight even tho I know, objectively, I have. But what I see doesn't change. And having them remind me of it just makes me feel bad. On a positive note to end on, I love my new tattoo and I still keep staring at it in disbelief something so beautiful is on my body. 🌸💮💠

I think I really need to just get laid before I seriously commit to anybody really... Like I'm officially old enough that the younger guys' cockiness and self-confidence is just SERIOUSLY giving me a major boner but I obviously don't want to *be* with a younger guy. Just get fucked by one. Wah.

It's 2 am and it's my first night without melatonin and I had like 3 shots of almost pure espresso way too late in the day and I'm very very very lonely!!! Like devastatingly lonely. I was at a friend's house today and his boyfriend came home on his lunch break to give my friend a coffee, take a dab, and kiss him. I miss kissing and I miss domestic spats and I miss having someone to talk to when I can't sleep. But there's nobody. I'm so tired of being lonely. I hang out with friends all of the time and I work full time and I do stuff with my mom and I take care of my cat and I generally keep my life pretty full and busy but I'm lonely pretty much all of the time. I'm sure I'll delete this post tomorrow once I have some sleep in me and I feel less negative, but for the time being, I'm. Lonely.

So far in the last two weeks: the first guy I ever worked with was in a motorcycle accident and died after being taken off life support, a hurricane came through but mostly just stressed me out for days, I got sick as a dog after my parents and best friend were sick, one of my other best friends announced her engagement, my long distance boyfriend has been busy with work, his dad was in a car wreck and broke his leg and ribs, and last night my cousin (Joseph's mom) and her husband announced that they are getting a divorce, and even though I know the stats after the death of a child are astronomical, I honestly never thought they would!!! Honestly this month has been fucking me up hard and I'd very much like to be removed from this narrative!

So I'm losing it over Chester Bennington, totally crying at my desk while listening to Meteora... I'm so heartbroken over this because I remember reading about his struggles with addiction and depression as a kid, and I remember wanting to write him a letter about how much his music meant to me and to please not be sad. Now I'm 26 and I've struggled with substances and depression, and reached the point where suicide was the most blissful option I saw. I know my letter couldn't have helped now, but I wish he could have seen that life can be beautiful (if boring) without allowing your demons to call the shots and admitting when you need the help. He's still one of my favorite male vocalists and yeah I'm really just deeply hurt over this.