#berkeley diaries

who am i, what am i doing, what does any of this even mean

ok well there is still anxiety simmering under the surface BUT i am starting to feel pretty excited about the upcoming school year. I’m moving to berkeley on friday and i’m stoked to settle in and set up my space and decorate solely with plants, books, maps, and mirrors; i have a date for drinks with some really cool people i met at a concert a few weeks ago; i’m getting to know some of the people in my majors ahead of time (thank you social media!!!); i signed up for a trip to the SF Museum of Modern Art through the school’s orientation program; i bought school supplies today and i LOVE them because I’m a nerd and they’re beautiful. finally feeling like maybe i can do this school thing again and that i might even be better at it than before because I actually know how to live outside of academia & i know myself better & i know my interests and i’m gonna go seize every opportunity

do you ever just wanna like...cut ties with your own life completely? i just feel so tangled up and weighted down by all the responsibilities, all the narrowing choices and opportunities, everything i’ve done to get where i am right at this second, and even though a lot of it is Good and stuff that i want to be doing or thought i wanted to be doing when i started it, it just feels like too much and i feel like i’m drowning in it. and it would be so nice to just brush it all aside and step back and slow down and start fresh and ask myself what i really would be doing if i took away all the rush and the artificial deadlines and the time sensitive decisions and the paperwork, ask myself what i would really be doing if i had the time to figure it out

who would win: the cold hard fact that I have to put down a big ass security deposit on my new place next week and have already spent far too much money this month on moving and the fact that I do genuinely need a few new clothing items to replace things that have worn out (like jeans with massive holes in unfortunate places) OR my burning desire to buy glossier’s boy brow so i can do mah brows up nice and stare at them in every reflective surface I pass

concept: i drop out of university and disappear to somewhere in the Mediterranean where i find work on an olive orchard and acquire a cat, a residence of some kind with tile floors and white stucco walls, some natural dyed linen shirts, and many freckles

hello i am Stressed because all of my plans for pretty much the next two years are hinging on me getting into this one class in the upcoming spring semester which i could have easily gotten into if i haD KNOWN IT EXISTED EARLIER