#benting

i have absolutely no downtime. my entire week is just class, homework and an ever-present feeling of dread that only intensifies as my weekend work shifts approach. i’m really starting to realize how crucial the small amount of time i had to myself last semester was to my mental health. i feel like i can’t focus on anything anymore, the quality of my schoolwork is rapidly deteriorating, and i’m constantly being plagued by awful invasive thoughts. my face looks like a hellscape because i’ve been picking it to bloody, painful, infected pieces, and i’ve been crying more and more and i don’t know what to do. my friends and boyfriend are so wonderful, and they make me so happy, and i thought i was in a good place with my mental health, but i’m just not okay. i’m terrified of the future and i can’t stop thinking about all of the horrible things that might happen. this is the first time in a long time that i’ve heard my mind telling me that i’m better off dead, and i don’t know how to make it stop. i don’t know why i’m doing anything that i do anymore. i’m not happy with who i am or how i look or what i create. i get more validation for my art from passing strangers on the internet than i get from the people i consider myself close to in real life. maybe i don’t make good art because i know i’ll never become a good artist. i think maybe everyone around me sees that, too, and it makes them unwilling to support me. it’s getting harder and harder to want to pursue my dream when it feels like no one in my life believes in me. i go to school and suffer through critiques and make throw-away projects only to wonder what i’m doing it all for. i can’t remember the last time my family even acknowledged my art or my choice of career path. maybe i’m just wasting everyone’s time and money, as well as my own. i just wish someone believed in me enough for me to want to keep going. i just want a sign that all of this is worth it. i want to be worth it.