#benshepherdxreader

I didn't actually do any sort of research for this (watching interviews), so I have no idea how good this is gonna be 😭

“And you know what she tells me?” Matt says in almost a shout. All of Soundgarden were hanging around the one dressing room, the atmosphere high and positive. I’d been a friend of theirs for ages,  and I'd finally gotten the time to drive up to join them for a few weeks on tour. Me and Matt had been friends since before we could even remember, and as a result,  grew quite close to the others. But Ben, he was a bit of a mystery. It wasn't that he didn't talk to me. I never got that impression. We would have small conversations. But they didn't seem to last long, which led to me not learning much about him. I wanted so badly to get to be good friends with him like the others, but it seemed like one of those things the universe didn't want to happen. But tonight was a bit different. The guys had played a good gig, and were celebrating with a few drinks. Everyone was a bit tipsy, drunk even. And Ben had decided to accompany me  on the small couch after he’d drunk a few beers. His knee was pressed into mine firmly, and he hadn't retracted his limb. But neither had I. He was resting a beer on his thigh, and slowly his jeans were starting to get wet from the condensation that dripped off the bottle. I tried to focus on Matt's stupid story of me from a few years ago that I had forgot about, but it was hard to when I were so close to him

“She tells me that she thought I was Dave Grohl, so she hid in the bathrooms of the party for 2 hours, thinking that she’d just called Dave a dickhead instead of me!” Matt throws his head back, his hair falling away from his face. Everyone else let out a chorus of laughter, as well as me. Ben lifted the beer up to his lips to take a small sip before turning to look at me. I could feel his eyes burn into the side of my face. Should I turn around? Was now the right time? I took a breath and reminded myself that that's what a normal person would do. I turned my head around to look at Ben. He had a small smile on his lips, and I couldn't help but mirror his facial expression.

“How do you even confuse the two?” Ben teased, his voice deep and low, yet loud enough for the others to hear, which caused Matt to laugh even louder. I rolled my eyes at him, my cheeks getting a little red. Oh fuck, please dont make it obvious. I reached a hand up to scratch the back of my head, leaning back more into the couch. My knee moved off of Ben's, before resting back up against him. The contact made my head spin. Maybe I wanted to get to know him so bad because I’d decided long ago that I liked him.

“I don't know, they sorta have the same jaw structure.” I replied, making Matt look at me in mock offense. His hand went up clumsily to rest on his chest, the beer in his other hand sloshing in the bottle. He’d call it quits soon, and have to go back to the tour bus. He was always the first out.

“I thought I had more swagger than him!” He once again yelled, making Kim snort and Chris roll his eyes. I just gave him a wide smile. 

“Keep telling yourself that buddy.” I joked back, throwing a small glance at Ben. He was laughing as well, still looking at me. My eyes drifted down to the beer bottle resting on his thigh. There was a wet rim on his thighs now, dark blue, and in the future, sticky. I moved without thinking. I reached down, my hand gently resting over Ben's hand that was holding the beer bottle, and I moved his arm to rest on the armrest on his side of the couch. His hand felt so soft, and I let go quickly and brought my hand back to my hair, burying it into the back of my head. If my cheeks weren't red before, they were now. My eyes dropped to our knees touching.

“You’ll get your jeans all wet dude.” I let out a little laugh, just to make it seem light hearted. Ben was silent, and I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing. I couldn't help but look back up at him. His face was pink too. But the smile was gone. Oh fuck, had I crossed a boundary? I opened my mouth to apologise, but Ben bet me to it.

“Your hands are soft.” The words were quieter than his previous ones. Quiet, so only we could hear. My eyes shot to his hand holding the beer bottle, now on the armrest. His muscles were flexing, pale skin stretched over long fingers. I swallowed.

“I made a wish with a genie to always have soft hands.” I blurted out, and I mentally face palmed. Why in the world would I say that? There were a lot of other things I could have said, but I chose THAT. I closed my eyes for a brief second, embarrassment crawling up my neck. When I opened my eyes, Ben was looking at me with that smile again. Small, but definitely there. Matt's laughter was drowned out. All I could focus on was Ben.

“Did you also make a wish to look that beautiful?” Ben’s voice sounded like honey. His head leaned in an inch. Barely a movement, but I caught it. And it lulled me into a spell. I moved my own head closed to his, our shoulders now just slightly making contact. The heat radiating off him reached me, and it warmed up my skin through my t-shirt. I wasn't sure I could handle looking Ben in the face at the moment. I felt confused. Ben had never spoken to me like this before. Never really been this close to me before. I didn't understand where this all came from. Was this my lucky day?

“I wouldn't exactly call it beautiful.” I chuckled nervously, my hand dropping to my lap to fidget with my other hand. The air felt warmer than it was ten seconds ago, heating my skin up even more. I could feel Ben lean in more, his breath starting to just reach the exposed skin of my neck. I turned my head a bit more towards Ben, but not exactly looking at him. My eyes found the beer bottle. Of course. He was drunk. I suddenly felt stupid. He wasn't saying this because he wanted to. He was saying this because he didn't know he was. I started to feel like I was falling into a hole.

“Really? I thought you knew how pretty you were. It's been making me nervous to be around you the past year.” He spoke, small puffs of air on my neck sending me deeper into the hole. I could feel my hands get sweaty. The words didn't register in my head, because I didn't believe he meant them. I stood up abruptly. I could see Ben out of the corner of my eye. He was looking up at me confused, maybe even a little hurt.

“Um guys, I think I’ll go back to the tour bus now. I need a bit of sleep.” I said loudly so everyone would hear me and know I was leaving. I didn't look back at Ben as I started walking to the door.’

“You okay y/n?” Matt slurred as I passed him. All I could do was nod yes. Because I knew If I opened my mouth right now, I might start crying. I felt so stupid. As I reached the door and turned the door knob, I knew I should never have gotten my hopes up. Thinking the man I had been secretly crushing on for a little over a year thought I was pretty. I scoffed to myself as I stepped out of the door. I accidentally caught Ben's eye as I shut the door, and I almost stopped in my tracks. He looked almost lost. Definitely hurt though. He was leaning forwards on the couch, and I almost felt bad. But then I saw the beer bottle, and I reminded myself he was drunk, and I was an idiot.

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It had been a few hours since everyone had clamped back onto the tour bus. I stayed deadly silent, hoping no one would knock on the door of my bunk. No one did. At some point I  got sick of laying in a small coffin for a bed. So I quietly got up and sat at the small table that was near the ‘kitchen’’. Everyone was in their bunk, and everything was silent except for the noise of the bus on the road. I had my knees pulled up to my chest on the seat, forehead leaning on the window, watching as the landscape changed under the moon's light. Everything was silent, until I heard another bunk door open. Someone padded down the hall, then stopped at the entrance to the ‘kitchen’.

“Y/n?” It was Ben. I closed my eyes, I hoped if I ignored him he’d leave. I didn't want to see him. I wanted to forget about the night, and lull the embarrassment away. But he didn't leave. Instead he slowly walked more into the bus, and sat down across from me. If my legs were on the ground, our knees would have brushed. I didn't take my eyes away from the window, and just like before I could feel Ben's eyes burn into the side of my face.

“I’m sorry If I said the wrong thing earlier.” Ben spoke, low and deep. But not drunk. He sounded completely sober, and that made everything so much worse. He had remembered. I closed my eyes again, and brought my knees up further. He was looking at me, I could feel it. For an answer. What was I even meant to say? Fuck you, you made me feel special for a split second? Then I realized you were drunk and I knew you didn't mean it? You're gorgeous and I want to kiss you? Definitely not the latter. I took a small shaky breath.

“I don't know Ben.” I mumbled through my dry lips. I'd been licking them every few seconds, and now a few cracks were starting to form. I could hear Ben shift in his spot, his hands resting on the table. He was hunched over like when I left the backstage room.

“I'm sorry If I took it too far.” He tried again, this time his voice cracking a little. I opened my eyes, and turned my head ever so slightly more towards Ben. I could see more of him now. He looked tired. I bet he hadn't gotten any sleep. Just laid in his bunk as he slowly sobered up. I licked my lips again, and took a shaky breath in.

“Did you mean it?” I asked, my heart starting to beat harder. My skin was starting to heat up.

“What?” Ben asked, his eyes trying to catch mine.

“What you said about me being beautiful, and making you nervous? Is that true?"I croaked, my eyes darting to look at him for a split second out of the corner of my eye. I rested more in the back of the seat. Ben ran a hand over his face.

“Yeah,” he spoke, his hand resting back down on the table, “Meant every word.” I didn't know what to think of that sentence. Was he lying? I finally turned to look at him fully. Our eyes locked as soon as they could. Ben looked at me desperately, but still so, so tired. My brows were furrowed, and it was hard to see his face because of the light. I could see it well enough to tell he wasn't lying. I slowly but surely let go of my legs, and like a robot being wound up for the first time in a few years, I slowly let my legs down, my feet touching the cold floor. Goosebumps broke out across my legs. I rested my elbows on the bench, mirroring Ben's position.

:”Why didn't you say anything earlier?” I asked, and I hated the way my voice sounded. Small, almost lonely. Like a child abandoned. Ben's eyes darted down to my elbows on the table, then back up to look at me. 

“I didn't know how to. I thought you wouldn't like me the same way that I liked you.” His voice was so raw, so full of emotion. I couldn't help but reach down and rest my hands over his, and I broke our eye contact to look down at our hands on the table. His skin, so soft, yet pale, tensed under my touch for a few seconds, before relaxing.

“What way do you like me ben?” I asked, as his hands slowly turned around, before linking with my hands. His long, calloused fingers intertwined with mine. My eyes went wide, and I looked back up at the man sitting across from me.

“Well, let me put it this way. I haven't looked at another woman since Matt introduced us. Every night since, I lay awake thinking about you. About the way your voice sounds, the way you laugh, the things you wear, the things you talk about with Matt and the others. And I've beat myself up every night over the fact that I get so nervous that I can't speak to you long enough to talk to you about these things.” Ben's voice sounded rough, and his thumb started to brush up and down my hand. I leaned in closer subconsciously, and from here I could see his face just that bit better. Pale, firm, yet soft. And all I could think about was how good it would feel to cup his cheeks. Kiss his lips, his cheeks. I swallowed, and opened my dry lips.