#benjiclan

Friday, February 3, 2017

The question of the day: “Am I going to buy into the current system of being here in LA, or…am I going to fight the culture?

I think the allure of Los Angeles lies in its powers of temporal reincarnation. You leave your dusty bowl or urban squalor or nominal cul-de-sac to become someone special. No one knows you here. You can be whoever you want!

That’s true. In LA, no one knows you. But no one cares about you. And if no one cares about you, then you must care about you. And since you must care about you, you can’t care about me. So I must care about me. 

ME. ME. ME. ME.  

ME. ME. ME. ME. 

Tragic, ain’t it?

Thursday, April 6, 2017

God was good today. I mean, He will be good today, but He was really good yesterday. A classic “ram-in-the-bush” moment. My honesty with God in the AM, prone on the floor in my apt, allowed Him to bring encouragement [to me] when I really needed it.

In New York City, if you love me, I know it. And if you hate me, I know it. So at least I know where I stand.

In Washington DC, you only care about me if I resemble or agree with you. So I know to just find people who will agree with me.

In Los Angeles, you pretend to care about me when you really don’t care about me at all. So I have to fake it until I make it.  

NYC and LA will either destroy you, build your character, or both. But New Yorkers glory in their battle scars while Angelenos conceal theirs. Scars don’t look good on camera. If you show your pain, you’ll shatter the glass.

I’m speaking in broad generalities. Everyone isn’t like this. There are people who are so rich and so powerful that they force us to care about them in any city...even if just trivially. 

Okay. Okay. You’re right. There are Bethesda pools here. People who are walking tourniquets and renew one broken life at a time. And each life, once restored, slowly and collectively joins with other lives to renew a broken city.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

I feel an abundance of love today, man. What a day!

Felt surrounded by God’s presence all day, and feel so empowered to live for Jesus in a new way. Need to keep going, one step in front of the other, pushing ahead to see God’s plan for my life realized. Also, felt so much JOY. Feel like my heart is bursting with JOY. That I can really enjoy life and GROW!

So, why did I come here?

Because I am a wildflower. I aim to live a life tethered to light and inspire others to do the same. I am the brazen pilot who cracks jokes in the cockpit while flying headfirst into danger. I am able to do that because I am also the man who measures twice before takeoff.  

I’d been staring down Los Angeles for years, like a dweeb at the homecoming dance. For all the things that one can lament regarding LA, it’s still the world’s creative engine. LA is full of people who live with a subtle defiance, who challenge the status quo, who wear whatever they want and refuse to be silenced. It’s a city full of weirdos like me. 

Saturday, July 15, 2017

AHHHH!

I’m trying to solve for my life, trying to answer for what God wants. Why do you push me this way Lord? I’ve moved out here by faith. I’ve reached the end of my intellectual & game-planning rope. But then again, I’ve said this before.

FIRST & 10. Ball on the 20 yard line. UGGGGH.

TRUST  THE  PROCESS.

In California, every theoretical understanding of my faith in God and self has been put to the test. I have had some dark and lonely days, but my identity isn’t in my brokenness.

I have learned to take life one day at a time.

I have learned the importance of living life outside of my head.

I have fully enjoyed the good times and seal them in my heart.

I have been stiffed by flakes and have made some rock solid friends.

With all respect to Gloria Gaynor, I have done more than survive.

I have thrived.

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps – Proverbs 16:9

Year Two. Los Angeles, California.

Go hard or go home.