#benjamin journals

listening to: life itself // glass animals

everything is just the same as it was last week, except perhaps worse, which i did not expect.  reality is such a bitch when it slaps you in the face, especially when you are not expecting it.  i certainly should have expected it this time though.  i should have seen this coming.  i knew it was going to happen.

finals are over.  precalculus is over.  i failed; that’s it, the end.  it’s over.  it’s a bitter pill to swallow; things are always hard for me to swallow when i fuck up.  i don’t want to accept it.  i always just want to change it or go back.  accepting shit is so hard, but it’s all i can do now.

i don’t want to move out of my dorm or stop going to college or be away from sasha.  i vented to avery about it, and he reassured me that things will go as planned, but i’m still so scared.  what if they don’t?  what if i really have fucked it up beyond repair?  i don’t want it to end this way.  i don’t want to die in this position.  also, i managed to confess to avery.  it was so stressful and my heart raced but i did it and that’s what matters.  it went better than expected.  i feel good about it.  hopeful.  also, avery taught me something new.  a coping skill, i guess.  he said anyone can do anything for ten seconds.  so just take things ten seconds at a time.  it’s a short-term solution but i like it a lot.  i will take any of the help i can get, especially from avery.  he’s a good guy.

on a totally different note, i’m going to jingle ball with taylor tomorrow, which is exciting.  i wish the chainsmokers were going to be there but i’m excited about some of the other artists.  concerts are always always fun, and they definitely help to numb the pain.  at the same time, i don’t want tomorrow to come.  i don’t want to face the future.

listening to: mama’s gun // glass animals

it’s been a long week and it’s only tuesday...could the days be any longer and more tortuous?  i didn’t get out of bed today until six pm.  i went to dinner at that point, and met up with sasha at the dining hall.  we ended up going back to the suites and we’ve been hanging out in the day room for about two hours, but she’ll probably go to bed soon, before me, and i’ll feel alone.  that’s not her fault...everyone goes to bed before me.  i stay up late and sleep forever.  i sleep until 2pm no matter how late i stay up, so what’s the point of going to bed early?  

i skipped two of my classes today, again.  that means i’ll probably fail one of them and the other....actually, i don’t know how that will go, but it doesn’t matter at this point since it’s inevitable that i’ll fail precalculus anyway.  i don’t want to go to class tomorrow either.  i give up.  i gave up a while ago, actually.