S T A R D U S T
chapter xiv.
streamlined.
“Okay, Dette, I think we can officially say you’re stable,” Cano says cheerfully.
“Well, physically,” I laugh as my feet dangle off the side of the infirmary bed. Leia shakes her head at me.
“So does that mean…” I fidget with the bottom of my sweater.
“Yes, you can go back to your usual routines…and back to the gardens,” Cano smiles as he taps away on his datapad.
“Which I’m very happy about,” he chuckles, “I’ve been missing those small purple berries—what are they called again?” My nose scrunches as I laugh at how excited he is about these berries.
“Brub berries,”
“Ah, yes, brub, brub,” He nods as holds his datapad in front of his chest.
“Yeah, brub. They are a little harder to upkeep in Ajan Kloss dirt, but now uh,” I pick the skin on my thumb as I look over at Leia. I sigh.
“I can definitely make sure that brub berries make it to the Mess Hall as soon as possible,” I smile at him.
“Perfect, can’t wait,” he smiles back at me.
“Thank you, Cano. You’ve been so understanding through all of this. I really can’t thank you enough,” he smiles back at me.
“Don’t worry about it. Just get me those berries and we’ll call it even,”
I nod and laugh as I push myself off the infirmary bed.
“It’s a deal.”
Leia and I walk side by side through the Tantive. I absentmindedly follow her down the ramp. She no longer has her cane.
And I can use my abilities.
But I won’t. Not yet.
I may be cleared, but I'm still recovering. Or maybe I'm telling myself that because I’m the biggest coward in the galaxy. Why did the stars gift me this, if I can’t handle it? Why can’t I handle this? It doesn’t help that I never had formal training. Maybe I should have let Leia train me after all…Does this feeling happen to anyone else? Not feeling like they’re deserving of this?
And why am I even here if I’m not going to use it…that was the whole point. I told myself I would be brave and use this for good. And now I’m here, and I’m still hiding. I’m so tired of hiding. I don’t want to hide anymore. Why was I always hiding?
Why did this make dad leave?
Why did mom have to die?
Why, why, why—
“Why don’t you join me on my walk,” Leia says, her eyes forward. She breaks me from my existential crisis.
I turn to her and nod softly. A walk would probably do me good. Breathe in, breathe out.
I follow her as she makes her way into the jungles. My hair is still damp from my shower before my appointment with Cano, and the cold air sends a slight chill down my spine. Leia is quiet, but she walks with purpose. Was I about to get another lecture from her? At least the suns were about to set. She couldn’t lecture me in the dark.
“I know you are probably wondering why I asked you to tag along,” she chuckles as we walk deeper into the jungle. My shoulders relax. Whenever Leia led me out this far away from base, our conversations always arrived at the same point.
“But I think you know why,” she smirks over at me. I softly laugh.
“Leia, I—“ she holds her hand up.
“Now wait, just hear me out,” she stops walking. I sigh.
“Okay,” I nod and roll my eyes as she continues to walk and passes me.
“Come on now, we’re almost to the stream,” she continues on, “and don’t think I didn’t see that,” she calls out. I chuckle and follow behind her. We arrive down at the water, and she sits down on the tall rocks beside it. She gestures to the spot next to her. I take a step forward and sit down, folding my hands in my lap. I mentally brace myself and look over at her.
She’s staring out at the sunset. I follow her eyes out to the skyline and then look back at her. Something is bothering her. I’m quiet and still, just listening to the soft trickling of the water for a minute. She takes a deep breath and looks up at the trees, her hands resting on her legs. She looks over at me.
“What do you think of Ben?”
That was not the question I expected.
“Oh, uh, he’s a lot like how you described him,” I tuck a piece of hair behind me ear, “it was nice of him to bring me my basket the other night, even if you told him to. He didn’t have to do that,” her eyebrows raise, then she nods.
“Right, yes,” her eyes search my face and the corners of her lips twitch, “that was nice of him,” she clears her throat.
“But now what I actually wanted to ask you,”
There it was. It’s always the topic of conversation when we sat by the stream. I don't want to talk about it. Not today. At least we weren’t talking about Ben anymore.
“I’ve thought about it,” I say softly. She studies my face.
“And?”
I take a deep breath.
“I think…” I look up at the trees. They're swaying in the wind, their branches trying to coax the truth out of me.
“I think it’s inevitable, but…not yet,”
She hums in understanding.
“If it’s inevitable,” I turn to her, “then what’s stopping you?” She looks back at me. I blink and look down at the stream.
“I don’t know. It’s like…” I think for a moment as I stare into the water. There’s pressure in my chest, and I take a deeper breath in to try to release it.
Fine, trees, you win.
“It’s like—there’s weeds in my brain, and they’re stubborn,” I sigh, “and I pull and I pull, but I can’t get them out of there,” I shake my head, “I’m just not strong enough,” I notice my eyes have blurred, so I blink to regain my focus. Leia is quiet as she thinks over my words.
“Maybe you just need another hand,” My eyes meet hers. “You don’t have to pull the weeds in your brain alone,” she says softly. My nose tingles.
“There’s nothing wrong with asking for help…with the weeds,” My chin quivers and my throat becomes tight. My head turns quickly to the trees.
“Dette,” she says softly. I sniffle. I feel her hand on my back and it only makes it worse. I can’t hold it in any longer. It’s not a cry. It’s an explosion. Leia pulls me closer and cry into her shoulder for what feels like forever. My tears flow freely like the stream beside us.
“I’m sorry Leia, I—“ she shushes me.
“Dette if you need to cry, sweetie, you cry,” she rubs my back. I shake my head, and pull myself away from her. I wipe my tears, and sit up taller. I breathe in deeply and my mouth forms an ‘o’ as I breathe out. My chin shakes.
“I just,” I sniffle. She’s worried about me, and I don’t want her to be. She studies my face and pushes my hair behind my shoulder.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, girlie,” I look back at her.
Leia reminds me so much of Mama. I think about Leia’s mama. Both of her mamas.
I need to cry more. She takes a deep breath.
“I’m sorry Dette, I didn’t mean to—“ I shake my head.
“No, no,” I sniffle, “it’s just um, today,” I clear my throat, “it’s been ten years…since, um,” My voice is shaky. I push my lips together and try to swallow down the tears.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Dette,” Leia says softly as she pulls me closer with one arm. She takes a deep breath. She shouldn’t feel bad. She didn’t know.
We sit and listen to the stream for a minute.
“Want some tea?” she asks.
“Um…” I sniffle and let out a laugh, “yeah, actually, but—” I start, not wanting to run into—
“Ben is doing some work on the Falcon, so he’ll be sleeping there tonight,” she says.
I give her a weak smile and nod, as I wipe my eyes with the sleeves of my sweater.
She lets me lead the way as we head back to the Tantive.
˚ ✦ . . ˚ . . ✦ ˚ . ★⋆. . ˚ * ✦ . . ✦ ˚ ˚ .˚ . . ˚ .
I’m sitting down on the floor of Leia’s main room, while she brushes my hair. She made our tea, she insisted. She told me she wanted to try a new hairstyle on me. Leia knows a new hairdo always cheers me up. I’ve learned that we’re similar in that way.
This day wasn’t always this bad. Year number one was the hardest. Year four, another rough year. I barely left my bed on this day last year. And sometimes, it hits you on a random Tuesday.
Grief shows up in waves, but when it hits hard, it knocks you out. It pulls you out to sea and you think you may never touch land again.
But I’ve learned a lot these past ten years.
When you’re lost in the sea of grief, you can’t let it drown you. You let yourself be lost for a little. Then you think of a memory—a happy one—and let it pull you back to shore.
My mom always wore her hair in one long braid, and she would put mine in pigtails. We would place small flowers in our hair and play princess out in the fields of Batuu. I smile at the memory, and wish she were here. She wouldn’t believe an actual princess is braiding my hair.
I’ve been staring at the vase in front of me, full of candlewicks.
Something behind it catches my eye. A book.
It looks old. Very old.
“Leia?” I set my tea down.
“Yes, my dear?”
“Can I ask—what is that?” I ask pointing to it. She looks over to where I’m pointing.
“Oh, go ahead, grab it,” she says pointing to it with the brush. She pulls a piece of hair from the right side of my head and starts to braid. I reach over to it, trying to keep my head still. I slide it towards me and look at the cover. Lifting it up, I trace the etching along the front.
“Old Jedi texts,” she says softly. I gasp and place it gently back on the table. I scoot my tea away from it.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Like Luke’s Jedi texts? Shouldn’t I be like wearing gloves or something when touching that?” I turn slightly to face her.
“No, no. Go on,” she laughs, “I’ve been wanting to show you those anyway. Now, keep your head straight.”
I turn and look down at the book.
“Have—have they always been here?”
“Rey has kept them on the Falcon, but, uh,” I can hear the concentration in her voice, “Ben has been reading through them the last couple of nights,” she says as she starts the another section of my hair.
“Oh,” I pick the book back up and study the cover again. Jax is never going to believe this. I can’t believe this. I take a deep breath and open it up. I flip through the pages of the book. The writing is not all aurebesh. Leia grabs a pin off of the table and pins the section she was working on back.
“What language is this?” I ask softly. She leans forward to my left.
“Basic. It’s Tionese, what we used before Aurebesh. There are many different languages in there,” she leans back, continuing to braid.
“Hm…” I hum as I look through the pages.
“You’ll want to look at page 144,”
I carefully turn the pages until I get to it. There’s a vine printed on the page. My stomach jumps and I sit up taller.
“Can you read it?” I ask, holding the book up for her to see.
“Consitor Sato, plant surge,” she reads.
“Plant surge?” I repeat.
“Mhm,” she says, “the force ability to channel energy into plants,”
“Holy kriff,” I whisper as I lower the book down. She laughs.
“A rare ability,” she says. I swallow and hold the book back up to her eye line.
“What else does it—“ the main door slides open and I quickly pull the book down in my lap, holding the page with my index finger. Ben walks in, his shoulder tense and his brows pushed together in a firm line. His hands are covered in grease. My eyes slightly widen as he stalks over to the kitchenette, and starts to wash his hands. I set the book down softly in front of me. Leia pauses her work.
“Ben, what’s wro—“ Threepio walks in after him.
“Master Ben it is quite all right, I assure you we will get the ship working again in no time—” He turns to Leia and I.
“Oh, Miss Odette, how wonderful to see you,”
Ben looks up from behind the counter and sees me seated on the floor, hands in my lap. I clear my throat. I desperately hope he can’t tell I’ve been crying.
“Hi Threepio, it’s wonderful to see you too,” I smile at him. Ben sighs.
“Oh, Miss Odette, you are too kind. I am so happy to see you in good health. We were all so worried when you fell ill. Master Ben and I were just talking about—“
“Hyperdrive still isn’t working, mom, we’re going to need those parts,” Ben interrupts him. Leia sighs.
“Alright,” she nods, “Threepio, send the order information over to the lieutenant, let her know we need it as soon as possible,” she says. I look up at Leia.
“Right away, Pri—General. Master Ben, is there anything I may assist you with? It has been just like old times—”
“No, you’ve done enough tonight,” Ben interrupts, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. I adjust my sweater, pulling the sleeves further down to cover my hands.
“Very good, then. I’ll shall report back to the lieutenant immediately,” Threepio muses.
I glance back over at Ben. He seems different. He didn’t look as tired as he usually did. His hair was tousled, a few hairs stuck to his forehead with sweat.
“Rising moons, Miss Odette,” I look back the Threepio as he bows.
“Rising moons, Threepio,” I smile as he walks out.
“Why is it always that damn hyperdrive,” Leia mutters under her breath. The door closes and I push my lips together, feeling awkward. She sighs.
“Now, where was I,”
“Leia, you don’t have to keep going if you need to—“ I slightly turn, but she positions my head forward.
“No, no, I promised a new braid, so you’re getting a new braid,”
“Oh okay,” I try not to laugh at the way she’s moving my head.
“Ben, the kettle should still be warm,” I stare down at the Jedi texts as I hear him shuffling in the kitchen.
‘He’ll be sleeping on the Falcon tonight’ she said. I chew the inside of my cheek and bury my signature deeper down in my core. I’m noticing that it is harder to control when he is around. I take in a big breath and quickly wipe my eyes, hoping the puffiness has gone down. Leia stops her braiding.
“You know what, I’d better…” she huffs, “Here, Dette, hold this for a minute, I have to make a quick call,” she hands me the small braid.
“Oh—“ She stands up from behind me and starts to walk to her room.
“Keep our guest company a minute,” She gestures back to me at Ben. I push myself off the floor and onto the couch, still holding onto my piece of hair. I fix my sweater as I sit. She walks into her room and the door shuts behind her. My eyes are glued to the Jedi texts. I can almost feel them whispering to me. I wonder what they would say if I could…
“Find anything interesting in there?” I look up as Ben walks towards the couch opposite me, the mug in his hand. My eyebrows raise.
“Sorry, what?” I relax my arm holding the braid slightly and my elbow falls to my side.
“The book,” he sits down across from me. Kriff. I hope he isn’t offended that I’ve been reading it. I can’t tell by his face. I nod.
“Oh, yeah,” I sit further back on the couch, “my uncle got me into all of that stuff, so I’ve been reading about the Jedi since I was a kid, but nothing like this obviously,” I look at him, trying to see if he senses anything. I couldn’t feel him, so he must not feel me. I mean, I wasn’t lying. Jax was obsessed with the Jedi since he was small, and he did give me every book on the subject that he could get his hands on.
“It’s all very interesting, what I can read of it,”
“Mm…” he nods and takes a sip of his tea, “Your uncle, is he force-sensitive?” His eyes look to Leia’s door then back to me. His brows are pushed together, his chin clenched.
“No, no, but I think he secretly wishes he could be,” I laugh. He nods and his face softens a bit.
“So you can understand all of this?” I ask him. His eyes flicker down to the book.
“Most of it, yes,” he leans forward and picks it up. He sits back against the couch and opens it up, flipping through it.
“Nothing that prohibits the Jedi from the use of recreational drugs…so far.”
Was that a joke? I softly laugh, my chin dipping slightly forward.
“Okay, well you’ll have to let me know when you get to that part,” I keep my head down slightly, as I hold my elbow with my other hand. My arm was getting tired of holding the braid. I could use some of those recreational drugs right now. Something to take my mind off of—
“Does she do this to you often,” he points to my hair. I look up and let out a laugh.
“Um, no, only on special occasions,” I softly say and grab my tea with my right hand and take a sip.
“I see,” He nods and looks down back down at the texts. His thumb softly taps the page his eyes are glued to.
“What’s the occasion?”
I mentally scold myself. I shouldn’t have said that. But I didn’t expect him to ask. It’s always uncomfortable having this conversation with someone new. Not that I hadn’t gotten used to it by now. I almost feel guilty saying it to someone. They always apologize. They always have this look of pity in their eye. They are always so weird about it. But, I don’t have to tell him. I set the mug back down on the table.
“Um…I’m just not having a great day, so this is Leia’s attempt to make me feel better,” I give him a small smile.
“Oh,” he nods and his eyes search my face. I take a deep breath.
“Yeah, but anyway, sorry about the Falcon. It seems like you’ve had a pretty shitty day too,” My eyes flicker to the flowers in the vase, then meet his again. It almost looks like he wants to say something. The sound of Leia’s door whooshes open, and his eyes dart back down to the texts.
“Okay, okay enough interruptions. We will finish this, I promise, Dette,” she walks over to the couch. I look back at him, giving him a small, embarrassed smile as Leia shoos me back to the floor.
“Thank you,” she says as I hand her my braid.
“So, are you two getting along, or still bickering about meilooruns,” My head slightly bobs as she pulls on my hair. I push my lips together and look up at Ben.
“We weren’t bickering,” he mumbles.
“Yeah, it was a lively debate,” I say, as I talk to her through my peripherals. She laughs. I let out a small laugh and look back at the candlewicks in front of me. They are almost all wilted. Usually I would give them a refresh, but I couldn’t exactly do that at the moment. I reach out and touch the petals.
“Do you have any requests for next time, Leia? It looks like it’s almost time for a new one,” she pauses her braiding, I assume she’s looking at the flowers now, too.
“I’m not sure, I think I’ve exhausted every flower in the gardens,” she laughs, “I’ll have to think.” Ben grabs his mug and takes a sip.
“Why don’t you choose Ben,”
“What?”
“The flowers—“
“Oh,” he nods and his eyes travel down to the vase.
“Um,” he shakes his head, he seems annoyed she asked him about flowers.
“Pink,” my brows push together. I was not expecting that answer.
“Oh, okay,” I nod, “I have two different kinds of pink flowers in the gardens. Do you know which one of those? Or just…any,” I finish the last of my tea. His brows push together and he runs his hands through his hair a couple of times.
“The one that grows in—uh,” he clears his throat, “in clusters. All bunched together.”
I look back to the flowers in front of me. I pull a bunch of delphiniums from the vase and I think for a minute.
“All bunched together?” I definitely knew small pink flowers all bunched together, but those weren’t on base. They were back home.
“Yeah, something like that,” He readjusts the way he’s sitting.
“I’ll have to take a look, but I’m not sure we have those in the gardens. I can double check, though,” I say politely as I twist the flowers in my hand.
Maybe he just made something up because he didn’t know what to say. Leia picks up a pin from the table and tugs on the braids, doing her finishing touches. Ben goes back to reading the Jedi texts, flipping to the end of the book.
“Okay, Dette, go look in the mirror,”
“Yay,” I softly say as I stand up, and start walking to the fresher. I stop and hold the delphiniums up before I enter the hallway.
“Do you mind if I?”
“No, no, go ahead,” she clasps her hands in her lap and smiles at me.
“What do you think?” I hear her ask from the main room as I turn the light on and look in the mirror. I pull my hair that wasn’t braided forward and admire the small braids she pinned back in my hair. It looked like she had bigger braids on the crown of my head, with smaller ones behind my ears. She left a few pieces of hair out in the front. The braids are intertwined, almost like vines on a tree. They’re pulled together and she positioned the pins in a formation that reminds me of constellations.
“Oh my stars, Leia,” I say, my voice echoing in the walls of the fresher. I look down at the flower in my hand and start to pull the small flowers off of the stem.
“You like it?” She calls out. My hand hesitates as I go to place the flowers in the braids. Why did I feel embarrassed for Ben to see me with flowers in my hair? Kriff it, he won’t even notice. I place a few in the braids, sprinkling them throughout my hair.
“I love it. I lied about the last one, I think this is my favorite,” I pull down a few of my shorter hairs to frame my face. My eyes are still somewhat puffy, and my cheeks flushed still from crying. Looking down at my outfit, I mentally laugh. My beautiful blue flower princess hair was a great accessory to my green baggy sweater and beige pants. I turn off the light and walk back to the main room.
“This one has always been one of my favorites. I wore this often on the Halcyon,” Ben looks up at Leia from the texts as I walk out. I sit down on the couch beside Leia, grabbing my mug, and avoiding his eye contact.
“Oh, so this is newlywed hair?” I softly laugh as she fixes up the side of my hair. She lets out a small laugh.
“Yes, it is,” her eyes soften, and she smiles at me. She glances over at Ben. I look down at the page he has open.
It has stars across the top…
˚ . . ˚ . . ˚ . ⋆. . ˚ * . . ˚ ˚ .˚ . . ˚
He closes the book.
“I’m going to head back to the Falcon,” he stands and walks to the hallway behind the couch we’re sitting on. Leia looks concerned.
“Ben,” He disappears into the guest room—well, his room.
I should give them some privacy. It was getting late. I need to turn in early if I want to get to the gardens by sunrise tomorrow.
“I should probably head back to my tent, too,” I push myself off of the couch and grab my mug. I walk over to the kitchenette and wash it in the sink.
“Okay, missy. You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, I’ll be okay, promise,”
Ben walks out with another book, and reaches his hand up to the ceiling. He presses something, and a hatch flies open. I pause with the mug in my hand. Leia turns to him.
“I thought we were done with the escape hatch?” she asks, annoyed.
Escape hatch?
“Wait, what?” I ask as I place the mug down to dry and without thinking, walk over to look up at the door. Ben takes a step back.
“Has this always been here?” My voice echoes as I look up the tunnel.
“Yes,” Ben answers.
“Cool,” I whisper. I turn to Leia.
“I could’ve been using this the whole time?” She rolls her eyes and puts her forehead in the palm of her hand.
“We really shouldn’t be using it so casually. Only in case of emergencies,” she looks at Ben as she says it. He sighs. I look between them.
“Oh,” I nod and look back up the hatch.
“Go ahead, Dette,” Leia says defeatedly, but with a hint of humor in her voice.
“Thank you,” I let out a small squeal of excitement and rise up on my tip toes to pull the ladder down. I hear Ben huff. I jump to grab the ladder, and I pull it down slightly, but didn’t know he was already behind me trying to pull it down as well. The top of my head hits his chin and he grunts in pain as he takes a few steps back. Leia laughs on the couch and he glares down at her.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I turn towards him as I hold the top of my head and he rubs his chin. He’s now glaring at me. I think this is the first time I’ve felt intimidated by him, but it was an accident. He has no reason to be mad. He probably hurt me more than I hurt him.
“Just go,” he says, rubbing his chin and gesturing to the ladder.
“Um, night, Leia. Thank you again,” I smile at her and pull down the ladder and start to climb.
“Night, girlie, try not to headbutt my son again,” she laughs. I laugh as I climb up the tunnel. I feel Ben start to climb a few steps behind me.
“I’m sorry I bumped into you, but see, you are impatient,” my voice echoes in the tunnel, “that wouldn’t have happened if you would’ve let me do it myself.” I try to hold in my laughter. He scoffs.
I push the door to the outside out and step into the cool night air. I look up at the roof of the caverns. There’s a moss I don’t quite recognize up here. I squint, trying to make out what kind it could be growing on the cave walls. Ben pulls himself out of the hatch. I break away from the moss, and take careful steps around the roof of the Tantive, trying to spot a way to get down. I gasp as Ben jumps off of the ship. I walk to the edge of the ship, and I see he’s landed safely.
How the kriff did he—oh yeah. Force-sensitive. I look down at the side of the ship, but I don’t see a ladder to get down.
“Wait,” I call out, feeling slightly panicked. My voice echoes on the cavern walls. How was I supposed to get down? The lack of light in the caverns was frustrating. I inch closer towards the edge of the Tantive, and crouch down, trying to feel for a way to get down. I hear him chuckle.
Asshole.
“Are you…were you planning to just leave me up here?” I call out.
“What’s wrong? I’m letting you do it yourself,” I hear his voice from below. I roll my eyes.
“Ben Solo, I’m going to tell your mother on you,”
“Go ahead,” he says, “climb back down the hatch,” I huff. I look back at the hatch and see he’s left it open on purpose. He’s too smart. But I’m too stubborn to go back down the hatch. I sigh and look out at the vines connected to the cavern walls. I see that there is vines hanging down just close enough to my right. I walk over to it. I crouch down again and steady myself. I reach my arm out, the long vine just barely out of reach. My stick would really come in handy right now.
I let out an, “Ooof!” as I almost lose my balance. I place my hand back down on the Tantive. I take a deep breath and try to reach for it again.
“Hey, plant girl,” I jump and fall back on my butt as he appears out of nowhere, his head peaking out.
“Oh my stars, don’t do that,” I say holding my chest. He holding onto the handles connected to the top of the roof. I push forward onto my knees and see he’s standing on a ladder that leads down to the ground.
“Come on, plant girl,” he chuckles as he starts to make his way down. I carefully step down, keeping my hands glued to the rail that runs down the side of the Tantive.
“Please don’t call me that,” I laugh as I jump off the last step. This was weird. At this point, I spent more time alone with Ben than Leia. No matter how much I tried to avoid him, we always ended up in some awkward encounter.
I wipe the sweat from my hands on my pants, and I feel almost too at ease. I focus and make sure I’m still effectively suppressing my signature. He stands next to me, as I fix the collar on my sweater.
“Um, well thanks, I guess,” I say looking around, trying to get my bearings. He nods, as he stands there, his hands…surprisingly, not in fists.
“Good luck with the Falcon,” I say as I push my hair behind me, and the cool night air hits my neck. He nods and places his hands on his hips.
“Should be fine,” he sighs, “she’s an old ship, but, uh, tough,”
“True. I’m pretty sure the hyperdrive has broken at least a three times since I’ve been on base,” I shrug, “it always gets fixed,” I smile and nod.
“Yeah,” he nods, his brows pushed together, “well, uh, night, plant girl,” he says as he takes a step backwards. There’s a slight smirk on his face. My brows furrow. Are we ten years old right now? I laugh and shake my head at him.
“Night, flyboy,” I say, pulling the sleeves back over my hands. He stops in his place and we just look at each other. There’s a strange energy that passes between us. He looks down at me and I look up him, trying to gauge his reaction. It sort of just fell out of my mouth—what Leia affectionately called Han. I wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t call me plant girl. His eyes travel from my face to the flowers in my hair.
“Um, well, bye,” I give him a small smile and start to walk into Main Base.
“Bye,” he says and starts to walk towards the Falcon.
I turn and make my way through the base, to my tent. I twirl the ends of my hair with my fingers as I run through the events of tonight in my head.
Leia asked me to use my abilities again. She hadn’t asked me in a month before the coma. Plant surge. I need to keep reading that book. Maybe next tea time.
And Ben—no longer felt like a stranger. Not quite a friend, but someone whose company I didn’t mind. I wonder how he really is. What’s behind his stoic demeanor and the small jokes he likes to sprinkle into conversations?
I enter my tent and quickly undress. I pull on my sleeping clothes.
“Well, mama,” I whisper, “ten years without you,” I climb into my cot. I usually talked to her like this, but not for a while. It was time I caught her up to speed.
“So much has happened. Boolio, remember Mr. Boolio? He helped me get to the Resistance. Can you believe that? I can’t. Sometimes I still can’t believe it. He put me in this crate on his ice freighter. He said it would keep me safe in case of any raids. Oh, and you know me and flying,” I laugh, “I passed out in the crate. My first time off world and I missed it. And this whole time I was thinking I was so cool, but turns out I still haven’t left the Outer Rim like I always said I would,”
“But I can now say I have been to two planets,” I softly laugh.
“Oh, and I actually have friends. So, Rose and Kaydel. They are so intelligent, it’s intimidating, but they never make you feel like they are smarter than you. They’re so casual about the fact that they set this base up. It’s amazing. Poe, Finn, Marv, Emri, Maz, all of them. You used to tell me stories about the Rebellion. I never thought I’d…I’ve met the most generous, courageous people. We’ve lost some of them,” I swallow as I think of everyone we’ve lost in the time I’ve been here, “but we’re still here. And no one deserves to feel like they need to hide. Like they aren’t safe to be themselves, to exist. Everyone deserves to feel peace in this galaxy,” I sigh.
“And Leia—well she reminds me of you. I miss you mommy,”
I stare up at the ceiling of my tent.
“I think it’s time to stop hiding,” I let out a breath, “I know you didn’t want me to hide forever," I sigh.
"Love you, mom."
My mom’s old radio is on the crate on the right side of my bed. I turn to lay on my side a flip it on. The music plays softly and my eyes flutter closed.
Now that I’m alone, my thoughts run wild.
I think over the events since I woke up from the coma, and my thoughts are accompanied by a feeling I have in my core—I can’t hide anymore. I don’t know why I felt this way since suppressing my signature meant I wouldn’t get those feelings. Maybe it is just plain old intuition. Maybe it was the way Leia had been acting recently. The strange looks. The Falcon needing to be fixed immediately.
Whatever it was, it was there.
And as I’ve learned recently:
This feeling cannot—and should not—be ignored.
