#ben's post

my current job is literally killing me and I dont know what to do. I've applied to 100+ jobs and nowhere has contacted me back. I try my best to hide it but my mental state is getting worse and worse to the point where most days I am genuinely concerned for my safety. distracting myself has been great and helpful but I can only do that for so long.

also super frustrated because I had the opportunity to potentially get a really good job in the public school system due to my teacher mother's connections. the only problem is I'm terrified to work in a school. I'm actively transitioning and the last thing I want is to have to hide who I am or even lose my job because of working with children (sadly a concern I have due to the political stances of most of the area that I live in).

I dont know. it's a lot and I'm just stressed. I dont even know what I want to do anymore. its hitting me that I never planned for this far ahead because I genuinely never expected to get this far. so I have a bullshit degree and no dream job or plan for the future or anything like that.

it almost feels dumb to be so excited about this because, of course it’s fun. it’s a game I love, and I’m playing it with two of my favorite people. seems pretty expected.

but with every session, I get a little more confident. for example, I was so nervous to run our last session. it was going to be the first time since session 1 that there was no combat, meaning I had to rely on the roleplay moments. I was afraid that I would lose the momentum, since their party had just finished a pretty rough fight, and the plan was just to rest, recover, and maybe strategize.

but to my own surprise, I came up with a new element to drop into the session the night before I ran it, scrambled to get that all planned out, and somehow managed to thoroughly impress (and frighten) my players.

you have to understand. out of all of us, I’m the least experienced in d&d (they have both been playing much longer than I, and one is even our DM in all of our other games). I also struggle with creativity most of the time. so for me to not only think of something that worked in the moment that well, but also have it land and give the exact effect I wanted? huge for me.

today would’ve been my 2 year T anniversary. except for the fact that, a few months ago, my brain decided to fuck itself and stop letting me do my injections. it’s common knowledge that I have a terrible needle phobia, but I got through several weeks no problem (previously I was just doing the gel). I kept saying I would try again but I continued to push it off because when I would try, I would have a panic attack. I didn’t want to switch back to the gel because I spent a good bit of money on my injections and I have a lot of vials. I didn’t want to waste them and I was convinced that one day, I’d be okay to do it again.

fast forward to today. I’m at work, my stomach is hurting in a very strange way, and I go to the bathroom to find out my period came back. after months of no hrt, it comes back on. the. anniversary. just my luck.

I feel horrible. obviously I’m in pain because I haven’t had to deal with this in 2 years (my period stopped literally a week after getting on testosterone, but it was always light). but mentally, this is really hard for me. to come back on a day that I should be celebrating my journey, especially during pride month, is doing some fucked up shit to my emotional state.

I’m going to try again tonight. I have to. my mental health has been terrible without my hrt, but this is a whole other level.

all that to say, it’s also so fun. I’m not great at it, but I do at least put my heart in it. my two friends are fantastic players and I think they go easy on me, which is helpful. but I have to say, taking them off guard with silly dialogue and wild NPCs is just delightful. also knowing I kicked their asses in combat is nice.

thinking about the translations of her maiden and married names.

thinking about how she went from “alone in life” to “embraced.”