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Emmett on the phone: Hey dad can I borrow 5,000 bucks?
Carlisle, slightly curious: certainly! May I ask what for?
Emmett: an escape room
Edward, listening from across the room: What kind of escape room costs five thousand dollars?
Emmett: Jail
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Emmett, addressing the camera like he’s in a documentary: Carlisle Cullen, noted doctor and vampire, has 51 distinct hugs. And I’ve taken the time to learn the subtle meaning and usage behind each one.
*camera zooms in on Carlisle giving Edward a hug*
Carlisle: You’ve done well son!
Emmett, without hesitation: Ah, number 33. The quick and soothing hug. With added encouragement to counterbalance moody tendencies. A true classic!
Bella: the school has a strict no pets policy, unfortunately.
Edward: this rule does not include Rosalie's high horse. Which makes regular appearances.
Bella: so how did you guys come and rescue me so fast ?
Jasper: some felony level traffic violations
Alice: purposefully causing 27 car crashes
Emmett: Two cans of nitrous
Edward: also that’s not our car
Bella: …..alrighty then
Bella: ‘collapsed in a kitchen chair ‘ I am so confused. I don’t know what I should do
Emmett: ‘wearing only underwear and a tank top, dunking Oreos in whiskey’ Well you came to the right place
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Bella: See, no one wants lettuce or something dumb as their last meal. That’s why [pulls out package of sour straws] my last meal is gonna be sour straws
Jacob: You keep those in your pocket?
Bella: Between my clumsiness and almost dying all the time, I gotta be prepared to go out on my own terms
Edward: [vibrating] BeLoVEd
Emmett, currently the subject of a nation wide manhunt for wrestling a bear at the zoo: Sometimes its nice to be wanted
Bella: Not by the fucking law it's not
Bella: ‘staring at Edward longingly’ What does he do when I’m not around? Like for fun?
Rosalie: Cocaine
Bella: No, like seriously, how does he pass the time? What are his actual hobbies?
Rosalie: Cocaine
