"She died doing what she loved: wanting to die."

— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 30, 2013

Have a gluten allergy? Talk to your doctor and see if shutting the fuck up about it is right for you.

— Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) February 7, 2013

This tweet has become one of my most popular tweets. I wrote this as I was going to meet up for food and drinks with a few friends and was thinking about what I'm going to be able to eat while I was there. I'm gluten intolerant. So I always have to ask servers what gluten free options they have because if I eat gluten, my stomach feels like an alien is clawing out of it and I usually end up spending 3 weeks straight on a toilet. It must be annoying for the employees and for the people that I'm with. But imagine how annoying it is for me that I have to mention my gluten intolerance every time I go to eat. I'm a skinny guy but I eat like 10 times a day. Imagine how tiring that must be for me. Anyways, I just threw this tweet out there because I too am tired of hearing about gluten and had no idea it would be so popular. Apparently gluten intolerance and gastrointestinal distress is funny to people. Lesson learned. Anyways, in case you're wondering what I had to eat that night, I chewed on a pool stick for about a half hour, called it a night and then went home and sobbed into my pillow until the sun came up.

Sure I could diet and exercise, but why risk having to live any longer than I absolutely have to?

— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 31, 2013

I was feeling really down in the dumps around the time I wrote this. So low, in fact, that I actually googled "how not to feel sorry for yourself." Exercise was a common suggestion in the results, as it often is when you're searching for a natural mood enhancer. I had heard--and ignored--it all before. I remember being annoyed that physical activity was on the list. I guess I wanted some miracle cure that required minimal effort on my part, like a really cute picture of a small horse that I could download and look to for hope and inspiration in my dark moments. 

Later that same night, I went to this r&b rollerskating night with some friends. From the moment my skates touched the rink, I was ecstatic. A few hours into skating, I was coming off the floor for a break and remembered my search session from earlier. It occurred to me that perhaps what I was doing could be considered exercise and that it didn't have to be me silently sobbing in a gym, wearing an oversized white t-shirt, looking like the ghost of David Spade. Instead, I could cruise around on a pair of rollerskates, eat old Red Hots from a 25-cent machine, and have my request for Zapp & Roger's "Computer Love" denied! 

Anyway, this tweet is about the idiot logic of my own fear and lethargy and me wanting to ignore the suggestion for physical activity. You know, like, "Of course I could take obvious steps to improve my life, but maybe I DON'T WANT TO IMPROVE MY LIFE!"

This is funnier than anything I'll ever write.twitpic.com/csoxpi

— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) May 23, 2013

I find the "are women funny?" argument ceaselessly tiresome. Hell – the vast majority of human beings, male and female, aren't funny. Shouldn't the question be, "are people funny?"

I fail to see the point of flailing this tired horse. I resent the fact that, every month or so, my collective newsfeeds are flooded with righteous indignation over comments some sensationalistic shitbird (Christopher Hitchens, Adam Carolla, et al.) made about the validity of female clowners. I tweeted this the day Jerry Lewis reaffirmed his stance that women are physically incapable of making a comedic masterpiece on par with "Cinderfella."

I don't understand the violent backlash against Lewis's remarks. It's 2013. Who gives a shit what he says? Look at photos from the press conference in question – the man was wearing slippers, for Christ's sake. In public. He's insane. Taking anything he says seriously is tantamount to taking anything Ronald Reagan said during his last two years in office seriously (y'know, 'cause he had Alzheimer's). 

Why are there happy endings after a massage? The massage is already happy. Happy endings should be after the dentist or a job interview.

— mark normand (@marknorm) May 16, 2013

  Why not have a happy ending after a bad appointment? That would motivate you to go. Job interviews are already awkward and weird to begin with, how about a little relief at the end? "Sorry Mark, you aren't right for the job...now will you please lay on my desk." You'd have guys going on 8 job interviews a day. That could save the economy!!!

The drawstring on hoodies helps transform them from casual sweater to mobile panic room

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) May 16, 2013

We asked the citizens of of Twitter to name a bewildering tweet that they also love. @GooseCJGarrett asked about this one from @HamptonYount :

I just pretend my cheese shredder is just for sensitive cheese documents.

— Hampton Yount (@Hamptonyount)

April 24, 2013

Read the Family Circus in today’s paper and punched a hole through the drywall.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark)

April 14, 2013

Ah yes, I remember writing this tweet as if it were only yesterday and not last week. I was at a public park with my daughter, so senseless violence was already on my mind when I saw an old newspaper laying on the ground open to the comics. It brought back memories of reading the comics in the paper every day when I was younger, but I couldn't remember why because I don't think I ever found them all that funny. So I thought of the most harmless comic strip I could think of and decided being so angry at a family comic for failing to amuse me that I punched a hole in a wall was a fun visual. Plus it reminded me of that time I stabbed my Aunt Beth with a letter opener after reading a particularly infuriating punchline in a Snuffy Smith.