Before 2017 Ends
I once spoke to Hui and she told me something that was honest & unanswered. I forgot what exactly we spoke about but it came to a point where I shared the pain of having a family that doesn’t understand or accept you. No matter what you do or what path you choose, they have a comment and say in what you do or choose to fight for. She told me, “Everybody at some point would look back and think, what kind of legacy can I or have I left behind?”. And that got me thinking, what have I left as a legacy so far?
Had I achieved great goals that defined my life? Have I inspired others to stand up against sexual harassment? Have I inspired others to laugh despite going thru a depressive state? I have no idea how I have/had managed to change or inspire anyone. Unlike my former boss/coach, Hui, I am nothing next to the women I had encountered these past one and half years.
I’ve learned that with power and success also comes with great kindness. I don’t inspire to be like anyone else but I had learned from the many women that extended their welcoming hands at me. For as long as I can remember, I had known only unkind gestures, toxic relationships & backhanded compliments. I let myself believe that the same thing won't happen over and over again as long as I am myself and I let things happen to me. I never realized that I’ve been letting the wrong attitude and pathway hinder me from progressing.
Heres a little advise I’ve taken up from 2017, you will never know when you’re finally gonna get out of this hellhole - I know I still don’t. However, instead of choosing to stay in the hellhole, remind yourself that there are kind people in the world that will extend their arms to you when you least expect it. Which brings me to number 2, don't expect, just keep climbing - you’ll never know who will unexpectedly confess that your journey has inspired them and knowing that you are not even at the end of your journey will prove to yourself, a WIP is not such a bad thing after all. The third is the hardest, that is to ignore toxicity.
Living in a family of toxic people doesn’t mean you can’t make yourself comfortable. Change doesn’t happen immediately. It’s stupid but once you change yourself, they will too. Keep yourself in check, tell yourself that you need time and so do they. Time and time again, you will find yourself hurting and arguing over the same shit over and over again but go to the one person you trust your feelings with - know that they can only take a piece of info at a time. Let them know you are hurting and don’t judge them if they don't understand. In return, you’ll have to love yourself and hold the hand of someone that truly loves you for who you are. No more changes, only progress.
