#beccuhh

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I promised myself that I would let today go by like it was just any other Sunday.

That I wouldn't cry or be upset or feel sorry for myself because I don't have a good relationship with my dad.

And all was well until I received a text from him. It all kinda went downhill from there.

Napped instead of going to church because I could not bear having another panic attack by seeing him there and having to step out to calm down. Dreamed of crazy things that messed with my head. Took a bath to clear my head and ended up more confused and mind twisted than before. Spent all day alone at my moms house.

She came back home and I laid next to her on her bed and told her about my dream which she figured happened because I was thinking about parenting and what kind of parent I would one day liked to be. And she was right. Because I told her what kind of mother I'd want and hope to be but I got very sad because I didn't want to end up ruining the lives of these hypothetical children I would one day have.

And I lost it.

Of course I cried and told my mother how truly upsetting this day was for me. How I couldn't face going out of the house and seeing all the beautiful happy fathers with their loving children. How I am still so freaking pissed at mine for ruining so many days of my life. For leaving me alone when I needed him. For saying he loves me one second and then turning around and saying I'm a lazy stupid girl that has failed at everything. For breaking my heart and not even knowing it. It was so messed up me a crying mess on my moms bed and feeling every bit of hurt he ever made me feel all over again. I was so angry and sad and disappointed at myself for letting him get to me again but he did.

I got to talk it all out with my mom and she helped me let go of more of the hurt that had got a hold on me. I feel like I've spent the past few years trying to get over it and ignore it but I've done a really bad job of it  since I'm still stuck mentally/emotionally/spiritually in the same place. It's hard because I honestly can't see him ever saying I'm sorry or caring enough to see me and want to talk to me. Also because I feel if he did I'd just be filled with horrible feelings and run away from him because that's all my body would allow me to do.

At the end of the day I can only take this one day at a time and while today was not a good day I am eternally thankful and happy to have the support of the people who love me. Because although I don't have a father/daughter relationship with mine I have so many other beautiful loving happy relationships with my family members and friends.

I understand that this is a journey of healing the wounds of the past and stepping into the better life that is waiting for me. I have to learn to forgive my dad and move on.