An Open Letter To An Old Friend.
Dear Pink,
It’s been almost a month since we said goodbye, and to be perfectly honest, not a day has gone by that I haven’t gone over our entire history, turning over every rock to try to figure out what was wrong. What I did wrong, what you did wrong, what we could’ve possibly done differently. Because despite everything we did do wrong, despite every painful night, or every fight, or every poisoned, toxic memory, there is still a surviving part of me that believes that you are still going to be important in my life. That you’ve got something in store for me.
And I think I’ve figured it out. You figured it out a long time ago, but I was never able to do it - But saying goodbye was the push I needed. The closure I finally got, in a strange way. It feels like it. From the last words we said to each other, I felt lighter, like a septic wound was finally cleansed.
Now, as someone who’s heard similar words, I wouldn’t blame you for being sceptical, or even uncomfortable with this very notes existence, but I’d like you to hear me out.
Since we said goodbye, I have felt so many things toward you: Anger, guilt, fear. But I’m starting to see what our mistakes were.
I’m too damaged for you to take care of. My mistake was asking you to, and putting you before the rest of my life. Your mistake was telling me you wanted to. And I’m not saying all this because I think I’m broken beyond repair, or that I blame myself. There are some things I definitely believe to be your fault, and I’m not about to apologise for them. But I will apologise for pushing my baggage on you. I am sorry.
So, here’s my proposal.
If you decide to greet me once again, old friend, things will be different. I know they will. I’ve been adjusting to my new life, and there are many things I can do now that I couldn’t before. And I can do without your help, now. I know that may seem cruel, but given our past, I think it’s best if we do what you always asked of me; Be like you and your oldest friend, and don’t dump baggage on each other.
This, I know I can do. We will of course have to discuss other things that will have to be different, but like you once said, we’ll find our goodness eventually.. And, like I think you know too, it is worth it to try. There’s something important about us being a part of each other’s lives. If you ever did believe that, I think you’ll understand.
There is no rush, though. I’m giving you your time, and I’m not going to wait obsessively by my computer, but if you see this, maybe think about it. I’m in a different place now, and I’d like you to be a part of that, if even just a little bit.
Take your time. I feel like we’ll find each other again eventually.
Yours, Blue
