What it's like to move on while still loving someone with all your heart. It's like going through a wind whirl of emotions and finally coming to a stop where all there is left is just this peaceful feeling. It's like when you think of them you don't feel that ache deep inside. Instead, you feel this deep love and appreciation for that person. Appreciating every memory you created together because each moment taught you something and helped you grow to where you are now.

So today I woke up very early and did something way out of character for me. I actually got up and out of bed once I woke up... I mean not right away, it took me a few minutes but I did it. I didn't realize it then but right now as I'm reflecting on that moment, I've realized it's the new version of me. It's what I've worked so hard for. To be that person who wakes up early and goes about their day and is just living their life for the sake of living and not going through the motions like I was before. I'm filled with so much clarity it's kind of unreal. I'm living what I didn't realize I was always manifesting. Today, was the first day that I actually felt like I didn't waste my day away by not doing anything.

It's hard though. When you're in that mindset you're already so low that realizing you're just wasting your days being stuck in that funk really adds to the depression. That's where I was, in this limbo of depression and a functioning autopilot where it was just enough to get me through the week and gave me just enough energy to socialize before I retreated to being stuck in my head.

Today after I got ready. I went and got myself coffee and took a walk at one of my favorite beaches. The whole time I was thinking of them. This time it was different. The love for them is still there but I'm not dwelling on the pain. I've let that pain go and only kept what made me happy and that was love. When I think of them, I don't feel sad anymore. Where that sadness and pain used to live there's a peaceful feeling. It's like when you have a headache and then finally the Advil kicks in and you feel so great. You still remember it but you don't feel it. That's where the beauty lies. That's what it's like to love someone while you're moving on. That's what I felt today while I walked on the beach admiring its beauty. It was low tide. It's my favorite because you can see a glimpse of what the ocean hides deep inside and it's so beautiful.

Right before I started writing I wasn't sure what I was going to write about, so I shuffled my music and the song 'Word's I Couldn't Say' by Leighton Meester. All of a sudden I knew this is what I need to write. I don't know why but it felt right. If I were to have listened to this song a few months ago, I probably would have started to cry because it would remind me of them and the pain I felt. Today, it hit me differently. I actually felt the words at a deeper level. I felt it with the feeling of love I'm carrying inside for them with acceptance of letting things be what they are and not living it what it could have been or could be. I felt every word because it's exactly what I am feeling right now. So "what do I do now that you're gone?/ no backup plan/no second chance/ no one else to blame"

“Do you believe in 11:11?” she asked me enthusiastically while tugging the sleeves of my shirt. I looked at her confused and answered “What’s so great about 11:11?”

She averted her cobalt eyes away from mine and stared at the stars. “They said every 11:11 you should make a wish and it will come true…” She peeked into her phone and continued “... it’s 11:11 go make a wish” as she clasped her hands and closed her eyes.

I stared at her full of awe then did the same, wished for something or someone but I didn’t even realize my 11:11 wish was already by my side.

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Hi! Please checkout my story in wattpad:> Stil ongoing but I try my best to update. Comments and opinions are very well appreciated, this is my first time writing and I hope you enjoy my story. Love lots!<3 - Eira