#beatporn

So just a real quick one tonight because I’m tired.  Today I had an exam for my masters.  It was tough and stressful and each time I would pause or allow my mind to lose focus it would drift to a porn fantasy, or a dress up scenario.  I kept wondering if I could justify a situation where I could indulge myself - fortunately, I have not! Hoorah! I’d say the first day is always the hardest but that isn’t true... the battle is different for everyone and seems to vary between fights for me!

I had a chat with my ex today.  I was with her for a long time and I we split up about a year ago.  We split because of the transvestism and cross dressing - she felt betrayed which I understand. I realised while we were talking I am stuck between two very distinct paths:

1. I have a society that would see me follow my girlish desires and embrace it... after all it must be who I am.

2. I have an upbringing, and a church family (former really), that would see me correct myself and fight thee foul demon!

I’m hoping to hit 90 days of no pornography, masturbation or orgasm - this will allow me to wean myself of the dopamine I use to dose my way through life and discover what I really want.  I make no prior assumption or decision.  One day down, 89 to go... 

Let’s see if I’ve got what it takes this time! I’m feeling strong!

Today is Day 1… again. I am a porn addict and it has completely ruined my life. However, I accept responsibility for what I have done to myself and I accept responsibility for the challenge to correct that damage.

So what is Day 1 and why am I starting again?

Day 1 refers to a programme of deliberately abstaining from pornography, masturbation and orgasm. I learnt of it a while back at www.yourbrainonporn.com where there is while a lot more information on the what exactly is happening in your head when consuming porn - check it out. I’m choosing to do a 90-day ‘reboot’. This will be a place where I share my thoughts and progress. I have tried before and found keeping a diary to useful - but the words are of no use to me or others - I’m not one for reading back through these entries and when things get hard the act of writing my own thoughts doesn’t offer advice, support, guidance or solace.

I plan to share daily… perhaps in as little as 90 days I’ll be in a position to draw conclusions and this blog to a close. However, I start this off the back of a relapse after 14 days abstinence; my longest period is around 25 days - I forget now, it was a while back. This is a long journey, one I need help on, but also one I will walk alone if I need to. I have to.

Day 1 has been relatively easy, I have needed to catch my thoughts but have kept myself busy. I hope over the coming days I will share more about myself, my circumstances and my insights but most of all I hope to find myself; to reset my brain and know what I truly want and desire. I want to stop hurting the people that love me and that I love. Day 1 has not been to hard because I’m motivated by a very real and physical sickness in my guilt and shame. I don’t necessarily want these emotions or find them particularly good motivators but right now that is what I have - and today they worked.