this is personal but I needed it
allowing people to help you when youāre not sure you want to exist anymore isnāt a sign of weakness. In fact itās quite the opposite. Itās one true sign of strength. Giving up is weak. And itās selfish. I let my sister and my mom take me to the hospital. I didnāt jump in the car the moment they suggested it, I was too busy screaming through the darkness that blanketed, strangled rather, my thoughts. I was screaming that I hated myself, I couldn't hear my mom and my sister crying for me to let one of them hold me. It was then that I looked up and saw the tears pouring from my moms eyes.
The stigma behind being admitted to a āpsychotic illness and schizophreniaā unit is disgusting to me. It should be the opposite. I wish I had gone a long time ago, but then again everything happens for a reason. What I also learned is that itās not as bad as it seems. I made friends in the 2 weeks that I was there. People who understood the struggle behind bipolar disorder, or even just struggling to love oneself. I began the process of loving myself again there.
Itās the coming and going thatās scary about mental hospitals, anyone whoās experienced it will tell you that. On the day I arrived, watching my mom leave was the hardest thing. She cried as she pointed to a quote that was painted on the bland beige wall: āthose three words, āI need helpā; If only I had said them soonerā And on my way out, all I could think about was how people would react to me, being ābipolarā and all. I no longer would be surrounded by people who understood. I was being tossed back into a world of stigma and prejudice. But I realized that the difference this time was my heart. Since Iāve been back itās been hard, I wonāt lie about that. Iām starting from the bottom and working my way back up. Medications can only do so much. The other half of it is effort. Nobody comes out of something like that loving every part of themself. I lost 30 pounds In the past few months, and now Iām working to gain it all back. A tough feat considering it took me a week to gain 5 pounds. Regardless I have decided to love myself anyways. My spirituality has strengthened since I was at McCleans hospital. I have a blue crystal around my neck that I sometimes use as a pendulum to balance my chakras. But the blue crystal is especially important to me because the sky and the ocean give us the feeling that life is an endless process. Blue is the greatest healing power in the world. It is the color of purity and those who carry it with them can obtain a sense of calmness, peace, serenity, and beauty. Life is beautifully chaotic, and thatās how I choose to look at myself now. I am not my illness. I am exactly who I am supposed to be.
