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Muslim Grandma’s Bean Pie Identified as Mutual Aid in Bronzeville
Satirical News over Fake News
Toure Muhammad
BRONZEVILLE — In a move that has stunned nonprofit consultants and warmed the hearts of a hungry neighborhood, Sister Bernice Ali’s legendary bean pie has officially been declared an act of mutual aid.
The declaration came after a local community survey revealed that every slice of her rich, cinnamon-kissed pie not only satisfied tastebuds but also somehow paid late rent, calmed stressed-out single mothers, and offered unsolicited wisdom about marriage, credit scores, and proper headwrap etiquette.
“Her pie hit different,” said community organizer Nia Washington. “I came in just to get a slice before my housing court appointment, and somehow walked out with legal counsel, a new babysitter, and a fresh batch of bean pies for my block.”
The pie’s official impact includes:
Three renters avoiding eviction
Two high schoolers getting mentorship
A surprise engagement proposal at her front porch pickup window
According to Bronzeville Mutual Aid Network records, Ali’s pies have functioned as unofficial currency, exchanged for hair braiding, snow shoveling, and one well-documented dispute mediation between two West Side elders over the proper spelling of “bean pie.”
City officials attempted to regulate the pies until Sister Shawntell’s told them to “stay outta grown folks’ kitchen.” The pie has since been granted 501(c)(3) status and its own fiscal sponsor.
Ali attributes the pie’s power to her Nation of Islam upbringing, a deep understanding of the Restrictive Laws, and a secret mix of navy beans, cane sugar, and Holy Qur’an recitations over the crust.
“We ain’t just feedin’ folks,” she said. “We nourishing the soul, organizing the people, and keepin’ the devil confused all at once.”
Her bean pies are now being shipped to activist hubs across the country. A pop-up in Atlanta reportedly caused spontaneous voter registration.
“This ain’t no dessert,” said longtime customer Brother Khalil. “This a revolution in a pie tin.”
Local youth are also being trained in “Bean Pie Distribution and Community Defense” as part of a new pilot program.
Plans are underway to expand Sister Bernice’s Pie Power Network with chapters in Detroit, Philly, and Oakland. And yes, Sister Bernice confirms: carrot pie is next.
