#bbtbimm

*Will attach the concept art in a reblog

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

After years, another thing to write/blog about. I was going to post on Ao3 but technically journaling/self reflection isn’t allowed there. It was cute for the .5 seconds I had stuff up though. So I shall start it here…

I guess I’ll link the different media pieces here as a table of contents as well.

Overarching Pieces:

Held Up By... (Multimedia Piece) and art process

Chronological Pieces:

The Start (Poetry)

The Hope of Something New (Poetry)

The Mask that Regrew (Poetry)

First Love (Poetry)

Boundaries (Poetry)

The Breakup (Prose)

Growing Pain Delay (Poetry)

To Have Had and To Hold (Poetry)

Bittersweet but Oh So Bitter (Poetry)

The Tug of War (Poetry)

Us vs Them (Poetry)

What He Taught Me (Other)

Dear [First Love] (Prose/Other)

Lingering (Poetry-ish)

On Cleaning Litter (Poetry)

Waiting: (Poetry)

Poems? (Poetry)

When they have a toothpick for a spine,

you know you could snap it.

It provides a sense of safety.

They cannot hurt you...

Or so you thought.

When they have a toothpick for a spine,

as they run away from their problems

you see it gouging their very soul:

The one you have fallen for.

You watch as it tears them apart.

A shit foundation for self worth and relationships.

Reactive: only poking at visible debris and never dealing with the bigger issues.

After being sharpened on them, it pierces you.

You retreat

and build yourself a better spine.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

I remember

the brush of our lips

our embrace

after discovering we both

had records titled "Poems?"

A google doc

An apple note

Both asking permission

for validation

about authenticity and

power.

Both discussed previous experiences:

One of a partner

One of loneliness.

For me, a fossil record of

times of uncertainty.

For you, a title of today.

I still think "Poems?"

but I do not ask anymore.

I change my document name today.

When you do,

I would like to be your friend.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Watching you run, friend or partner in hand,

Hurt me deeply.

A wound unfurled along with

insecurities.

I still wonder if I am

demonized in your eyes

and I pull the chain to that train of thought back up from

the well of my mind.

I could go on forever. Never

reaching the water.

Less of a well and more of

a donut, my worries cycle over and over.

But

I am loved

I am seen

and so are you.

I wish us both well

waiting for you to think that too.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

You may never read this. You might get this letter and throw it away. That’s alright. It’s a selfish letter anyways. 

Over the past month, I’ve struggled with parsing the ending of our relationship. I felt like I had exploded out of nowhere, but I hadn’t. I was picking up the signs. Some subtle some not. 

I’ve been very torn over how I feel about it and you. Sadness, anger, confusion, but at the end of the day, I land at “Love.”

I don’t believe you when you said love would not make me feel this way. I think that’s exactly what love would do. Love is not linear. Love is not easy. But love you I do. 

That “in love” lie I spouted was a porcupine tactic. It worked. Much too well. I just wanted you to want the relationship. But I knew you didn’t anymore. And that’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel safe enough to truly reveal that. 

During our last encounter, I said you deserve the world and I mean it. I don’t think I fit into that world very well, but you deserve it. I have a feeling you didn’t feel as strongly as I did you and that’s alright. I just hope that for the day you do find someone to make you excited to do those sappy relationship things again (if it’s what you want), they reciprocate and ignite enhance that fire in you. It shouldn’t be a chore. I could tell it felt like a chore with me at the end. 

Your mom was probably right. I am “too clingy”. But I know I have high energy now. You taught me about myself and the world, and I’m so grateful.  

And you’re right, I’ll find love again. I find it in little ways every day with the world around me. I hate that you called it “better”. But also, I hope you can also find better for yourself. Again, you deserve it. You deserve to be loved in a way that’s conducive to your success. Don’t be scared to fight for them. They will fight for you in turn.

I absolutely do believe we met each other at the right time. There were so many magical moments and coincidences. Example: your last day at [Old Job Company Name]. I was running “late” that day to work and JUST missed my normal train. I was kicking myself emotionally. But, when I got off at the train station, there you were. Bright, shiny, and hopeful. That hug changed my entire day. 

If universal power and fate and chance is real, it WANTED us to meet. And I am so thankful to have had the honor to meet you and know you. Thank you for being a part of my journey. I truly would do it all again. 

I know we can probably not be friends, I yearn for it, but I also know it’d probably just hurt you. However, know, wherever you are, you have a (not so) cosmic cheerleader rooting for your success. 

If you ever need any support in the case of an emergency, I’m a social media post or text away.

You are loved so much by your friends, your family, and even myself. I am hurt but I am healing. I hope you are too. 

Endless love for you, your dreams, and our little universe. 

Intermediate Wannabe

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes

I did actually end up writing this out and putting it in a little brown envelope in case I saw him again. I even made a wax seal with our colors representing our relationship. I did not see him again when I thought I did. And I have stopped carrying that letter around.

But I hope, whatever side of this letter you would be on, you feel seen and validated. Sometimes, two people who are wonderful are not wonderful together. At least not as they are right now. Maybe they could be in the future. Maybe they wouldn't. But that is not for us to know.

I know love and hate are not opposites

Apathy is their opposite

But what does one do when they feel both love and hate. 

Apathy is letting go of the rope. An easier way to go. 

Both love and hate tug on my heart and stretch it out. 

Strings of putty waiting to snap from being separated too far

Would apathy help? Or would it only be a lie. 

Another pull, and I worry I will shatter.

Collection: “Best Burned Thoughts: Branded in My Mind”

End Notes