#bbknocks

They’d stayed like that for 30 more minutes, with The Solider letting her run her hands across his head as he healed as much as he could in the limited window of peace and quiet. The next day, when he reported to field team three, injuries barely visible, he’d been shocked to find them dead.

He’d over heard the officers talking, and at first he’d felt the now familiar spread of dread wash over him, because he’d assumed that he was the cause, that he was going to be punished, but he’d quickly learned that he was the only person in the compound who was not a suspect, considering he had been visibly in his cell at the time of their murder.

The mission was completed by him, alone, in record time, and along with his split lip and broken nose, he reported to Y/N’s chambers.

Three hard knocks. An open door. A smiling friend.

“Hello, Solider.”

He’d paced over to the medical table, and waited patiently for her to lay out her blanket for him, as she always did.

Y/N smiled as he took his place, and cupped his jaw in her hand.

The asset didn’t make a sound, even his arm stayed silent as she examined his face.

“You went alone?” she asked, dipping a cloth in warm water and bringing it up to his nostril.

“Yes, ma’am”

Y/N nodded considerately, wiping blood away from his skin.

“You know, since you know my name, and since we’re alone, you’re allowed to use it”

His head ached a little at her words, but he nodded obediently, choosing to take her offer as a command, because it made it a little more easy to tolerate.

“Yes, Y/N.”

She scoffed fondly, and he couldn’t help but feel proud that he’d made her happy enough to do so.

“Are you hurt anywhere else, Bucky? Anywhere I can’t see?”

He felt his eyes widen at the use of his name. It felt strange, forbidden, dangerous, but nice.

He wondered briefly if not answering her was an option he could use to steal more time with her, but when he met her eyes, he felt something in his head click, and he gave her a submissive shake of his head.

“Alright” she cooed, “I’m going to feel your nose now, okay? I’m going to see if I need to crack it back into place.”

The solider offered her a grunt of agreement, but his arm whined nervously as her fingers cupped his septum.

It hurt, it was a dull ache that was easily ignored, but the fact it was anything at all, made him nervous. Feeling things was bad, it meant bad things where coming. Cryo-chambers and wipes and those IV drips that set his blood on fire-

“Breathe for me Bucky, this is going to hurt a little.”

He met Y/N’s eyes, and blinked a little frantically before looking away in an attempt to make himself stop feeling so much.

“Hey-” her voice called firmly, his eyes snapped back up to hers in way of apology, he hadn’t meant to be insolent, he hoped she knew, he hoped she knew it hadn’t been deliberate. “-friends, remember?”

friends.

the word swirled around his head, rattling against the edges of mind control, empty memories, a blonde man, a woman, laughter, fingers in his hair, washed over him for a moment, shorting his vision and leaving him breathless.

“Friends?”

Y/N looked at him sadly, she knew he was hurting, from more than just his injuries.

“Yes” she agreed, stroking his temple delicately, “we’re friends, it’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you”

He tilted his head in confusion.

His nose was broken, he knew it needed to be fixed, he knew that caused pain.

“Here” Y/N continued, reaching down to prise his flesh hands away from the table, “You do it”

The solider blinked at her, confusion making his brow crease.

“You know how, don’t you?” she checked quickly, guiding his fingers to his face.

“I do” he agreed uncertainly, “I am not supposed to-”

“I’m allowing it” Y/N interrupted, “unless you’d rather it be me.”

He shook his head, before pinching his thumb and forefinger together, and twisting his wrist until he heard the familiar crack of bone against bone.

The throbbing in his face told him he’d done it right. So did Y/N’s smile.

Friends, he thought again, more firmly.

“Good” She praised, “Good job.”

He couldn’t help but feel a swell of pride at her words. He was pleasing her. He was pleasing his friend. Pleasing people meant no cryo, no pain, no drips-

“Are you hungry?”

Even that question made The Solider’s pulse race.

It was rarely said without accompanying taunts.

Officers and generals would tease him with scraps, throwing them onto the ground before him but not letting him eat them.

Scientists would ask him that before forcing a tube down his throat.

But Y/N asked him softly, like she cared about his answer.

“Y-yes.” He mumbled, trying to shake the pain behind his eyes, “Yes, Y/N.”

She nodded softly, pacing away to retrieve something unseen.

For a moment he tensed on the table, locking his jaw in order to try and prevent her from shoving anything into his mouth, but then she returned, and the angry hissing of his limb subsided.

“Here”

Her hands where offering him a bowl of something warm, of something that smelt like food, not slop.

“It’s yours” he said, knowing this wasn’t what they usually gave him to eat.

“It was” Y/N agreed, still smiling, “Now it’s yours.”

“I can’t” The solider mumbled, strangely uncertain, “I’m not-“

The quirk in her eye brow silenced him. He wasn’t supposed to question orders, not even ones he was unaccustomed to.

“I’m giving it to you” she repeated, placing it in his now outstretched hand, “eat, Bucky, you need it more than I do

He was hungry, and that was an order, so he obeyed, feeding himself slowly at first, and then very, very quickly, because he was scarred someone might take it away.

This was stew, it was a meal, it had meat and vegetables and it was warm and not cold. “You like that?” Y/N wondered, although she already knew that he had, “Here-“ she palmed him a small piece of bread.

He eyed it suspiciously, before shaking his head and setting the now scraped bowl down beside him.

“It’s yours.”

He sounded more firm, now.

Y/N shook her head, “I have more” she insisted, dropping the crust of loaf into his fingers.

“Thank you”

He was already chewing when Y/N looked back at his face, she knew she’d be hungry for a day or two now, but the sound of his thank you was fresh in her ears, and the hopeless, brazen sincerity behind the words was more than enough to make it worth it.

She handed him water, which he drank without complaint.

“They’re not feeding you enough” The solider heard her murmur, he thought she sounded unhappy- he didn’t like that, he hoped it wasn’t because of him, “I’ll make sure to get some more supplies.”

“They feed me enough” he told her helpfully, “I don’t need much”

“No” She soothed, turning to face him calmly, “I know- don’t worry about all that”

He nodded obediently, and tried to think of other things.

“Have you got your orders, solider?” Y/N asked quietly, “Do you know how long we have?”

“I have to report to the officers at 1500 for my next briefing- until then I am to make myself presentable.”

Y/N nodded then, looking at the clock.

14:12

“What would you like to do now?” She wondered, “you can leave, if you like, or you can stay”

“I should not keep you” The Solider said quietly, making to leave.

“You’re not keeping me from anything” Y/N told him quickly- he froze in place. “I promise, Bucky, you’re allowed to stay”

He nodded carefully, before looking around the room unsurely.

“How long has it been since you’ve lied down?” Y/N pressed, a strange look in her eyes.

The Solider panicked, looking up at the clock on the wall.

How long had it been since he’d been resting with her yesterday? How many hours? How many minutes?

“I cannot report” he reported blankly, already resigned, “Ready for punishment- Apologies for the lack of-”

“No” Y/N assured him, she sounded calm, “no punishments, solider, friends don’t hurt friends.”

“But- But I am unable to answer”

He had not complied. He should be punished.

“I know” Y/N murmured, “It’s alright- I’ll help you”

His eyes where trained on her to make sure she wasn’t trying to trick him.

They did that, sometimes- his handlers- sometimes they’d ask him things that he couldn’t possibly know, they’d make him get things wrong in order to hurt him, to teach him more lessons that he’d forget when they wiped him.

But Y/N wasn’t a handler, she wasn’t an officer, she was a friend.

“I.. I should be able to answer” he said weakly, “I’m sorry.”

She hushed out a breath that made the hair on his arms stand up.

“Let me clarify, okay?”

He nodded.

“Have you layed down since you were last in here?”

“No” Bucky told her, “I don’t know when that was, it’s- it happens, sometimes, I- I can’t remember-“

His brow was furrowed again, Y/N could see it, so she reached out to cup his cheek.

A breath left his lungs in a huff when her palm made contact with his face

He’d been bracing for a slap, but her hand was gentle, and warm, and it felt good, and safe.

That was dangerous, that was more too loose, but he couldn’t move away.

“That was yesterday evening” her voice told him, “It’s been around 10 hours”

He didn’t reply. He assumed she was right.

“Lie down” Y/N commanded calmly, she knew he needed structure, a firm order he could obey, she could see the cracks beginning to show, “On there-” she gestured towards her bed.

For a second, he looked taken a back, but then, he gave an obedient bow of his head, and did as she’d said.

She moved quickly, to ensure he was lying on the blanket again, before tucking another thin sheet around his front.

He eyed her constantly, with a kind of eery watchfulness that made her feel exposed.

“Comfortable?” She checked when he was still in position.

“Yes, Y/N.” he replied quietly, “T-t-thank you? ”

Y/N’s breath caught in her throat at the strange stammer in his voice, she met his gaze with a soft look, a look she hoped he would take as affectionate.

“You’re welcome, Bucky- don’t worry, alright? Just rest, I’ll tell you when you need to go.”

His eyes fluttered shut. A silent display of the overt trust he had for the woman.

She beamed at his face, even though he couldn’t see her, and perched herself beside his metal arm, keeping a watchful eye on the clock.

The Solider left without complaint when their time was up, and Y/N made it her mission to become more prepared for his visits.

The food they gave her was sparse, but at least it was hot- although, she did find herself always waiting until she’d decided an appearance from the solider was unlikely, before eating it, just incase he’d be in need of a decent meal, which he apparently, always was.

Eventually, she managed to meet with her handler alone, and when asked about her opinion on ‘the assets’ physical health, Y/N found that she was just about able to convince him that only giving him meals via feeding tubes was having a negative impact on his calorie consumption, and therefore his muscular development.

When they expressed how they were reluctant to increase their interactions with what they considered to be an aggressive time-bomb, Y/N passively offered to feed him post missions.

They agreed, and told her that extra food would be provided on a trial basis, to see if it improved either his performance in the field, or pliancy around the base.

Y/N did a good job at feigning disinterest, or at least she assumed she had, because they dismissed her without a second glance and told her to expect a visit from the solider the next day.

She’d been half expecting him to arrive post wipe, since it’d been over a week since he’d last appeared at her door, however, when he knocked three times, and she beckoned him inside, it was painfully clear that he hadn’t been back on ice.

“Hello, Solider” Y/N greeted softly, trying to ignore the painful appearance of the muzzle that was locked around his face, “are you hurt?”

Her question hung in the air for a moment, as his bloodshot eyes met hers.

The Asset let out a pitiful whine as he looked down at the floor, and Y/N felt her heart crack-

“Come here” she cooed, glancing up to ensure they were still being given the luxury of privacy, “Sit down for me”

He perched on the blanket covered table silently, breathes rasping in and out of his nose as she approached him slowly from the side.

“I’m going to take this off now, okay Bucky?”

Her fingers where reaching out towards his mask with gentle movements.

He didn’t respond, but he leant a little closer towards her hands-

She made easy work of the buckles, but was a little shocked when the material covering his face didn’t fall away freely.

“Don’t bite me, please” Y/N requested, only half joking as she slipped her fingers round to tug at the leather.

The Solider began to cough as she pulled, and with one final, gut wrenching, wretch, he managed to expel the 4 inches of plastic tubing that had been forced between his teeth, and down into his throat in order to hold his muzzle in place.

Y/N discarded it quickly, watching with concern as drool dripped unceremoniously down the soliders chin.

It was tinted red, presumably from the blood leaking out of his gums, from where he’d bitten down on the intrusion.

“I-I won’t bite” he croaked, looking up at her desperately from behind his lashes, “I promise”

God, she felt her heart shatter then, as she saw the desperation in his eyes.

“I know” she soothed, reaching over to pass him some water- he didn’t respond, just stayed frozen, blinking down at the ground with a lost expression that made her want to cry.

Y/N grabbed a rag from the side and moved to wipe at his chin.

“Shhhh” she murmured when he flinched at the contact, “friends, remember?

The solider settled at that, whispering out a word that Y/N could barely hear.

Friends.

“Have you been on a mission since we last met?”

The man swallowed dryly before nodding.

“One, Y/N, I arrived yesterday morning, do you require a report?”

“No, solider, not if you’ve already reported to an officer” she replied quietly, taking some extra time to dab at the mans jaw, even though it was now near enough, clean.

“I have” Bucky agreed quietly

“Why didn’t you come straight here?” Y/N wondered, taking a minute to observe the mans condition, “You’re still under continuous instruction to report to me post missions aren’t you?”

“I am” the man gulped harshly again, “however, some of the officers felt I would benefit from some time in isolation”

Y/N nodded in understanding.

“and the mask?”

“They did not see fit to remove it, ma’am” his eyes widened in alarm as he heard the formal term of address on his tongue, “Y/N-“ he corrected, “apologies-”

She shook her head quickly, trying to alleviate his visible alarm.

The man was large, but still, Y/N could see he was trying to shrink himself down, his metal arm was curled around his own core, in a deliberate attempt to make him appear smaller.

“I’m not going to hurt you” she swore, crouching a little to make herself visible to him, despite the curtain of his hair, “I promise, no punishments from me”

The solider eyed her uncertainly as his limb continued to whine nervously.

“Are you in pain?” Y/N pressed after a moment of quiet, once it looked the like anxiety ridden figure before her might actually be able to respond.

“Always” he grunted sadly.

“Bucky” she murmured, her own voice dripping with empathy, “anything new?”

“My throat” the solider whispered, “and my chest”

Y/N nodded, trying not to get hung up on the sheer vulnerability that was coursing away from the man that was still frozen in position.

“Drink” she commanded, passing him a bottle of water. “all of it, slowly.”

He obeyed silently, sipping at the cold liquid whilst she backed away towards her medical supplies.

“Thank you” he said, voice a little less fractured, “Thank you, Y/N.”

“Don’t worry about it, Bucky” she smiled, he felt his heart swell at the sight, “can I have a look at your chest?”

The man froze, he knew he couldn’t refuse, so he gave her a submissive bow of his head and made his metal arm retract with a groan.

Y/N didn’t move towards him quickly, she hovered for a minute, watching him with concern.

“Are you afraid?” She asked as her fingers worked to remove his heavy tactical vest, “You’re shaking, solider”

“Apologies” he whispered, trying to lock his muscles in place, “I, I do not think I am supposed to feel fear”

Y/N hummed as the heavy black material fell away from his body,

“I am afraid” The soldier confessed suddenly, as soon as the air hit his skin, “apologies, Y/N- I am very afraid”

“Hey” she breathed, backing away in the wake of his breathless admission, “Hey, that’s alright, you’re with me”

His blue eyes were suddenly filled with tears and trained on hers, they were watching her with piercing intensity, and she could see something terrible behind them, something caged and traumatised.

“it-it hurts”

“I know” Y/N promised, “I know it does.”

“My skin” the solider continued shakily, “my skin hurts all the time.”

“I know” she repeated her hand coming up to his hair, “I know, I’m sorry”

“Why does it hurt?”

“Because you’ve been out of cryo too long” Y/N explained softly, “you’ve been taking too much damage, your scars can’t settle”

“I- I don’t want to go back into storage” he began to whimper, “please- I’ll be better, I’ll be the best- please- please don’t tell them I need to be wiped-”

Y/N shook her head, fingers gazing his temple.

“It’s too cold” he mumbled, lower lip pouting, facade well and truly broken, “I’m not a bad person”

Her head tilted in confusion,

“I swear that I’m not” the soliders voice was low, gaze still on her face, “I- I just want to go home.”

“I know” Y/N murmured, “You’re good, Bucky, I know you are, I’m your friend, okay? I’m going to get us out of here, but you’ve got to hold it together a little bit longer”

“It’s been too long” he told her, “It’s been too long.”

The strange waver in his voice was still making her uneasy, but as he repeated his sentiment, Y/N couldn’t help but think that maybe he wasn’t just talking about how long he’d been a captive.

“hush now” she soothed with a nod, “you’re brave, and you’re strong, you can do this, okay? trust me, I’ll figure it out for us, but you’ve got to keep being good, alright?”