Letβs talk bathroom usage. Iβm not sure if Iβve already addressed this on this blog, but weβre going to go more in depth with it.
My current battle of the year has been bathroom usage. I donβt like using public gendered restrooms and havenβt since I came out as trans. I passed as a woman for quite some time, so I sucked it up and used the womenβs restroom. It was so ingrained that even single-stall restrooms that were gendered, Iβd use the womenβs room. I donβt know where I picked that up, seeing as Iβve had cis women tell me that theyβd use the menβs single stall restrooms if the womenβs were in use. I never would have dreamed.
Flash forward to the night I spent in the library with a group of my friends. I got up the courage to use the menβs room because it was just us in the library at 4am in the morning. They were single stall restrooms, which helped, and opened hella doors to me.
I think the locker room incident was in the same year, or within a year, which kicked me so far back. If my friends couldnβt accept my presence in a male space, how were strangers supposed to? This was especially key when I didnβt pass at all. A single moment conditioned me that I wasnβt welcome in male spaces, that I didnβt pass as male, that I wasnβt seen as male, that I never would be seen as male. It colored my vision. I could never use menβs restrooms without men knowing I was an βintruder.β Iβm not an intruder.
I came out at my first job, at my previous job, and at my current job. My first job, I wasnβt taken seriously. My second job, I had changed my name legally, so people seemed to take me seriously (other than the fact that I didnβt choose an obviously βmaleβ name, as a supervisor had commented). The women tried to use the right pronouns (they messed up, understandable, I guess given that I didnβt pass as male, but they still corrected themselves. I often got βthe apology,β which was fine at the time. I appreciated the effort. I still appreciate the effort, but I donβt need the repeated apology speech). The men didnβt even try and I had one male who had issues regarding LGBT+ issues that I excused way more than I would anyone else because he had a shitty family situation, which I could relate to, somewhat.
Anyway, context, I had a boss who would ask questions, who Iβd talk to about stuff regarding trans things. She was nice and understanding. Sheβd ask ignorant questions such as if I planned to get βthe surgery.β I tried to explain that that wasnβt the best way to ask, that many trans people donβt appreciate that question, but explained why I would love top surgery, but didnβt exactly plan on getting any βbottomβ surgery in my lifetime. It was a cute sort of ignorant rather than malicious. She didnβt mean it and she learned from it. Maybe about a few months before I left that job, she offered to put a lock on the menβs room, a small restroom, but not single stall, so I would be able to use the restroom of my gender. I never gave her an answer because things were getting so I didnβt even want to stay and I rarely used the restroom anyway. I donβt think I ever told her, but I appreciated the thought so fucking much. Thereβs not many who would have thought to ask or even thought of that solution or even just fucking thought of βitβ to begin with. I loved working with her and I miss her a lot. She mentioned that sheβd had sensitivity training, which isnβt exactly a common thing here it seems, and honestly, that made such a fucking impact on me.
My current job, unfortunately, that wouldnβt be possible. We take inventory, so we go into different buildings daily. Everything changes. Weβre there for maybe 8 hours at the most and then weβre gone for six months. I canβt ask them to make special accommodations for an 8 hour period for once every year or six months. So I just didnβt use the restroom and if (IFFFFFF) I had to, Iβd quickly use the womenβs restroom and hope like hell no one saw me. I think it was maybe five times in the first seven months???
Then I started hormones a couple months into this new job. Things started changing. My voice started changing. I started passing much better. I got male pronouns more than half the time from strangers. However, it still posed an issue given that my aunt who works at the same company, who helped me get the job, refers to me as βshe/her.β I was introduced to everyone as βshe/her.β Only after some time and some explanation to people who actually cared to listen was I accepted somewhat as male. I still get people misgendering me (I work with a lot of older cis gentlemen who have an issue with gendering me correctly, but weβre getting there, I guess. Itβs a long process). Iβm trying to get better about correcting people and people tend to refer to me as my βRileyβ or βthey/them,β which I will take over βshe/her.β It got so bad I was starting to associate βRileyβ with βshe/herβ pronouns, but itβs getting better.
Anyway, it took some time. Probably 5-6 months in, I finally talked to a supervisor about my issues with using public restrooms. He actually talked to me about it, offered solutions where he could, and even offered (and did) talk to our manager about it. I was prepared to do it myself, even asked him to make time to talk to me about it, but apparently this supervisor took it upon himself to talk to our manager about it, which I was grateful (and super fucking surprised) for. There arenβt many cis men who would take the time and awkwardness to talk to an older man (our manager) about another personβs right to use which restroom. I was also super surprised to hear this manager, whoβs clearly never had to deal with another trans person, say it shouldnβt be a big deal. I had already gone through the list several times:
βIβm a man, I should be able to use the menβs restroom. I pass more than half the time as a man. Our state legislation states that in public restrooms, I am able to use the restroom that I self-identify as. As long as thereβs a stall, it shouldnβt matter. I would like to not use the womenβs room because it makes me dysphoric. I should have access to a restroom for a variety of reasons, whether I need to get something to blow my nose with, or need a moment to myself, or need to fix my packer in private (something I REALLY, REALLY didnβt wish to bring up, js), or to simply just fucking pee. Iβm starting to pass really well, women might have an issue with me in the womenβs restroom.β
I went through this list so much in the week leading up to this. All to be let down after I was told βyeah, I was already talked to and I donβt think itβll be an issue..β I was so fucking stressed and defensive. I was relieved, donβt get me wrong, but I also think I should have been part of the conversation. Iβm the one it impacts. I still avoid public restrooms at work, not because of the staff of the store, but because of our staff (which always contains at least one male). I donβt feel like looking for the males on our team on the floor just to make sure I can use the restroom, if it isnβt single-stall. I donβt want to make anyone uncomfortable. Iβm already uncomfortable enough for the both of us. I just want to pee (or arrange my goddamned packer because goddamn that thing is inconvenient). The last thing I want to do is see anything Iβm not supposed to. Because let me tell you, I may be into men and women, both and neither (yay pansexuality), but I am not in the fucking restroom trying to get off. I just want to take care of what I need to and leave. It does not involve you.














