#batccident

Jason: What? Dick loves pranks.

Duke: Yeah but not the illegal ones.

Steph: Or ones against cops.

Jason: WHAT!?

Batsibs:..?

Jason: Just one sec

Jason (calling Dick and putting them on speaker):

Dick: Whats up?

Jason: Hey remember when I was still Robin and you got mad at Bruce for telling you not to flirt with the rogues while he was actively hooking up with Selina, so you let me tag along to steal shit from museums while planting cat fur you stole from Selina's place hoping to frame her but the dumb ass detective ended up thinking it was a gang of hyper intelligent stray cats?

Dick (snorting): Yeah, of course, I still send the detective a box of kittens and something of his I've stolen of his every year on National Adopt a Stray Day.

Jason (deadpan look at his siblings):

Dick (from the kitchen): What was that?

Jason (hasn't even bother to look up from his book): Just a bird hitting the window.

Jason (turns the page):

Dick (coming in with two mugs): Wait real bird or one of our birds?

Tim (knocking against the window holding his bleeding nose):

Dick: Everybody out.

(Nobody moves)

Dick: Little wing?

Jason (more than happy to assist): You heard your mother, get moving or I start shooting.

Steph: Puh-lease, this is quality entertainment

Tim: And you're not even carrying live rounds.

Jason: You're right, all I've got on me are the paintballs that you so graciously mixed with Freezes' formula so they stay frozen.

*batlings freeze*

Tim: You wouldn't.

Bruce just gives him a small shrug, "My kids have read me to filth better at the breakfast table before I've even had my coffee."

And yes, they know his identity and they know of his kids/sidekicks but they've never met them; so they brush it off as Bruce making a rare joke.

And then they all end up in the batcave after a spectacularly failed mission, nothing injured except their egos.

As soon as the plane lands Bruce let's out the deepest sigh, one that sounds alot like the sigh he gave right befor the mission went to shit.

"I apologize in advance.... I should've read more parenting books..."

They all follow as Bruce marches down from the plane like he's going to an execution.

He doesn't flinch with the rest of them when the confetti cannons go off and his children are all piled in the cave clapping and cheering.

"That was awful!!"

"You could not have done that worse, who's plan were you following?"

"Don't worry we've already scrubbed all the most embarrassing moments from the media and made them into a compilation for you"

"Yaasss, Go girl! Give us nothing!"

Dick (from the kitchen): What was that?

Jason (reading): I don't know, probably just a bird.

Tim (starts picking the lock on the window, throwing it open): You killed Cyrus Beake!

Jason (still reading): Uh, yup.

Dick (coming in with two mugs): I thought you said it was a bird?

Jason (shrugs):

Tim: Wait.. but ...I accused and you...

Dick: Did you break him?

Jason (turning page): Why wouldn't I admit? I assume you came here with proof?

Tim: I, yeah, but...that's not how this goes. I dramaticly crash in,

Jason: failed.

Tim: Accuse you, you deny it and then I get to tell you how I pieced it together until you confess from the pressure.

Jason: I feel like I saved us, and by that I mean me, a whole lotta time by skipping all that.

Tim: Why did I go through all this work if not to flaunt my intelligence? I had a slide show!

Dick: Hey Timmers, do you want us to go to a different safe house so you can't hunt us down and retry?

Jason (finally looking up from his book): What no, I'm not doing that!?

Tim (fake sniffling): Actually, yeah I would like that very much.

Tim leaves

Jason: I'm not doing this!

Dick (already putting on his shoes): Yeah you are, it's either this or he goes full villain again just so he can monologue.

Jason:

With Dick, he just drops it off out of the package wherever makes the most sense in his apartment and gaslight him if he gets called out.

"Hm, no I think Alfred told me you borrowed that blender last month, I just ended up buying a new one since Stephs on a smoothie kick so go ahead and keep it."

He lets Jason think he's 'stealing'. A wallet stuffed with cash left out in the entry way? Intentional. The box of first edition poetry? He never even made room on the shelves.

Bruce took a page out of the kids' book with Tim and just asks him what he needs when he's sleep deprived and leaves whatever it is with him to find when he wakes up; Bruce refuses to take it back because "You asked me to get it for you, chum"

He has to change it up with Steph every now and then when she catches in to what he's doing but currently reverse psychology is working.

He just happens to leave an auto magazine open to a sensible (for a bat) motorcycle and a pen that happens to be pointing towards the deep purple color option, "omg Bruce look it comes in my color! Do you think I should get a bike?"

"Steph your much to reckless for a motorcycle"

"What? B, please? I'll be so responsible"

Bruce will put up a good fight, lay down ground rules he knows she'll break, but he still gets to gift her a bike fixed with the safety and tracking mods he deems necessary, and if he happens to slip in a few extras? Maybe they both pretend they don't see.

Cass, his angel of a child, will just accept his spoiling, as long as he doesn't take it to far like trying to buy another ballet company for her to preform with again.

Duke is much like Cass but uses Bruce's tendency to go overboard to his advantage. This does backfire once when Duke is aiming to get Bruce to agree to a boat party for him and his friends and ends up with him owing a boat and getting his boating license, his ICC, and is well on his way to the required hours to be qualified as a captain. He gets his party though so a win is a win.

But as soon as it's just them at home Dick is damn near non-verbal and Jason is filling every second of silence for them.

Tim: Stop being gross

Steph (rolling eyes): It's perfectly normal for women to talk about their friends' backsides. You don't see me saying anything about Dick and Jason's weird little relationship.