#basically a diary

- werewolfkin

- this stupid IKEA alien plush specifically

- catkin (probably…)

Idk I’m still exploring with my identity. This is mainly a side blog for sharing my thoughts and experiences.

FYI:

- I have never experienced a “shift” (I don’t think)

- I do not have species dysphoria

- I believe my alterhumanity stems from my neurodivergence and/or childhood experiences

ok, so there is this guys that randomly started sayin hi to me and my friends (i only hang out with two people in my community um-) like for maybe two, three months. my friends told me about him when they saw him in our mini mall. one of them im gonna call her A1, the other friend A2, said he looked like newt from the maze runner andhe even has a british accent.

yeah, he looks like THIS cutie, but with darker, more fluffier hair and blue eyes and freckles. oh and glasses! (hvnjcmwkdwejgnefkmvn!)

anywayyysssssss, that got me hella excited. then later, he was on his e-bike and crossed the pedestrian road thing and was staring into my soul. legit im not lying. and he also waved at me so i awkwardly pointed at myself as if to ask, "me?" then i decided, yk what? imma wave back. so i do. awkwardly. A1 stopped her bike and asked if his ebike was ok (some girl earlier tried his ebike and crashed it) and he went, "you saw that??" (A1 & A2 did, i wasnt there when the rando girl crashed his ebike). he said bye and went his way somewhere.

the next few times he says hi to them, because i was stuck at home. GROUNDED. anyways, one day before i was ungrounded, a1 and a2 came to my door to spill some tea. apparently oscar (thats the guy on the ebike. we called him british boy for the mean time until we found out his name, but thats for later) had called a1 cute. well i was upset when a2 explained what happened. she said, "we were talking to bb, he said hi and all, he then suddenly said, "your friend on the left is pretty cute." so we asked him which left, but he was already hopping on his ebike and driving away." a1 was on the left. i was really ad when i heard this but then for a few days, i started thinking about it. it didn't make sense because bb was talking to BOTH of them. and it would be weird if he suddenly talked to a2 to say a1 was cute. so after a day or 2, i asked them where i am when we walk together. a2 said i was either in the middle, or on the LEFT. yeah, i put 2 and 2 together and got 4.

now, time skip to a couple of days, we were hanging out with one of our other friends (ill call him m) and he knows a lot of people and about them because they were his older sis's friends. and he said to us, "isee that guy behind that guy on the white ebike? he knows bb and i asked him who bb had a crush on and he described bb's crush that was similar to a1." a1 was happy and i was sad so i said to myself out loud, "when is it my turn for some cute guy? :(" and then m said, "wait he said she looks like a filipina." so i said, "That doesnt make sense if he described a1." a1 is like PALE and im quite tan. then he said, "oh! he said (the guy behind the other dude on the white ebike) that he said (bb) "yk the filipina girl you hang out with? she's cute." like in a puppy way." I WAS SO HAPPY. SOME GUY CALED ME CUTE. i didn't realise that m meant bb called me cute. i only remembered that when i was biking home. who else could bb have been talking abt? i was either on the left or in the middle and m said that bb called me cute. bb must've told my friends i was cute and they misinterrpreted it. also, m didn't even know who oscar was, so he could be lying, or he confused him with sm1 else.

i didnt say that to a1 in case it would upset her, so i told a2 that i still had a crush on bb and he prolly called me cute, and not a1. she understood. (also, the next day, i told a1 i liked bb, and she was chill w it, but i didnt tell her he called me cute)

now time skip again, and during the mean time of not seeing bb after he called me cute, there were these two guys and it was clear they had a crush on me, but they were shorter and no offence, lowk chopped (they seemed nice tho) cuz they kept screaming each others name every time i walked by.

anyway, we found out that bb was around the same age as me, or a year older, idk. (im not specifying the age tho, sorry ya'll), thanks to a friend of ours, lets call her a3 (she mostly hangs out with the other guys because she plays football and has and ebike SHES NOT PICK ME GUYS, SHE JUST IS A GENUINE TOMBOY).

also, i forgot to write, but apparently, every time bb would see my friends when i wasnt there, he'd talk to a1 more, but he sees me mostly hanging out with a1 bcuz a2 likes to sumtimes go off on her own.

right so, every time i was with them, bb would directly look at me. now, one day, we were heading to the mini mall, and i saw bb. he went inside with a3 (i have a lot of friends and i know a lot of people beginning with an a). we walked it, and we turn a corner when we see bb. he goes, "hey guys!" (he says this a LOT.) "biker gang!" then he holds up his hand to high 5 us. a1 chickens out and basically ignores him, but i dont and instead, i smile (awkwardly) and high five him with my left hand. MY GOD HIS HAND WAS WARM AND BIGGER THAN MINEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OMFGGGG IDK I JUST FIND THAT SO ATTRACTIVE LIKE YASSSSSSSS.

ahem, so he leaves and goes to a smoothie area to drink smth. when we walk out of the shop area, we go outside to eat our food, he spots us and waves and says, "hey guys!" so i wave and say hi. his friends (who were lowk cute) poked their heads out from the corner.

we sit outside for like 5 minutes and right after, bb walks out and goes again, "hi guys!" so i wave and smile. he goes with his friends to sit on their ebikes, like still hanging around me and my friends instead of leaving immediately. and his friend called him using his name oscar, so i figured his name is oscar (it is). i look thru a1's bag to distract myself, and when i look up and in oscar's direction, i see him singing and pointing at me. (apparently he got ungrounded and was happy, and he thought a1 had a suron, but i think he was actually pointing at me). he got on his ebike and i expected him to go the other way, like usual, but no, he comes over to us, staring into my eyes, and says "hey guys!" again. so i say hi and he goes, "you two are horrible." then he says, "except you. you said hi." a2 told me oscar pointed at me when he said, "except you. you said hi." (this was after he left.)

VGCDNECDNWC3RIUV4JNECM

then he goes away.

now, recently, just yesterday, he was on his ebike, and so i wave, but since his hand was on the throttle, he couldnt wave. anyways, he comes over and again, staring into my soul, says, "heyy guys! biker gang!" so i say, "hello!" and "biker gang!" laughing a little. he goes to move, but then stops directly in front of me. and yes, he was staring only at me. he said, "where are you bikes?" cuz he didn't see them. so i explained they were behind the mall. then he went,"ah ok. you guys should get a bike like this." and patted his own. I said, "i cant though, my parents wouldn't let me." he asks why not, and i just say they are strict. (they are, and my mom would get all pissy about it). he nods and says, "bye guys!"

LIKE YALL HELP ME IDL IF HE LIKES ME OR NOT :( I mean, he might, but idkkkkkkk

also i almost forgot, one teen dude literally craned his neck to look at meh hehehe even a2 noticed. then another guy later went, "so you guys are gonna see your friends and not say hi?" and he was referring to oscar. we stopped and looked around confused. but a1 explained what she thought (us seeing oscar and not saying hi). we looked at the ebikes to see who is who's and maybe m would know the guy. i said, "imagine they walk out right now." as a joke. but i jinxed it and a whole HOARD, or as we call it, celery (code name), came out. so we pretend we weren't looking at the ebikes and walked away. when we came back to go inside, we walked by oscar and he said, "excuse me," politely and was staring into my soul. AGAIN!!

anyways, some guys with a vape who looks my age or a year older was in the hallway to the bathrooms with his friends, and i walked out with a1 & a2, and he came over to me to dap me up (i suck at dapping up, why cant guys settle for a high five or fist bump) and then he did it to my friends, just not as loud or enthusiastic as mine was (not joking yall) and his friend who looks my age, kept looking at me earlier, especially when i smiled and started laughing because he was playing some goofy ass music.

yall my back hurts, and my hands are tired. thank u guys for taking ur time to read all dis shit thoooo. ilyall <3

having a solo server is fun

this post is so liberating. i’ve never before knew the word origin, but i don’t care whether or not this is “historical fact,” i’m taking it on as a Truth.

The current societal definition of virginity could never apply to me -- there was never a defining moment when i had The Full Sexual Experience™, never an idealized moment where i could say i definitively “lost” it. just eased in like into a hot tub. it burned at first.

besides, what is sex? it’s different for everyone, and of course i was not the first to realize this. popularized by queers and feminists is the neat, lovely idea that one loses their virginity when another person helps them consensually orgasm. It give you a warm and fuzzy feeling doesn’t it? makes it seem like sex should be good and safe and pleasurable but... it makes me feel like shit. i hate it so much because it makes me hate myself. my abuser fucked my brain up so bad that for now i can’t orgasm. by this definition, i am still a virgin. 

completely outside the linguistic and societal constructs of here and now -- that’s not new. it’s lonely, not to have a word for yourself, you feel lost. at least i do. that’s why this never stopped being a big deal for me. 

a Virgin was sexually independent. in control, powerful, free. 

men worked to take that from her.

i too was robbed.

did she take me by any of the standards described above? no. but she drove my soul from my body, leaving me powerless and afraid. she lingers in my mind, coloring every of my sexual thoughts and actions.

i lost my virginity.

but

Recap of yesterday for personal diary-like reasons under the cut

Lulu... sweet thing