#barcelonadiary

Today was the last day. We'd leave for home tomorrow, and arrive home on tuesday. This... I'm okay with. I'd love to stay longer, but my classmates are making me... sick? One cannot leave me alone, another one cannot go through one day without being pissed at me for no apparent reason. (Update; apparently the reason is; it's all about me, and apparently I don't listen to other people's opinion. Which is according to him, because according to my other classmates I do.) Anyway, then there is one guy who hasn't spent one day sober. And then there's the two others, the ones who are dating, and are just making me feel even worse by sticking ... no literally they're like glued to each other. Going home won't solve the missing problem, but I won't feel as bad anymore. At the moment I am in fact alone because I asked to be left alone for at least a half an hour. (And believe me if I say this is the first half an hour I spent alone in a week.) But they're at the bar, so I hope they keep drinking. And because I'm alone, I'm crying. Now, without my cocktails I won't be able to fall asleep as easily unfortunately, and I will have more time to think. Frankly, on our last day we did a city game, (Our class didn't win, but we did end up honourable second place and we get a 'surprise' tomorrow (*fingers crossed* please let us sleep an hour longer.).) The winners were allowed to throw whipped cream pies at two teachers of their choice. I know that if he were here, I would have tried harder at winning. I know that if he were here, I would have crossed that line that you're supposed to stand behind and then throw, just to run towards him and get the whipped cream all over his face. And then maybe, just maybe, he would've hugged me with the sole purpose of getting me covered in whipped cream as well. And I would have not minded at all. I just think, I would have enjoyed this trip so much more, if either, I hadn't fallen in love with him, or he had came along. There were so many situations in which his appearance would have made the day so much better.

I'm going to bed now, because since I have an extreme fear of sleeping in a bus, I won't sleep, just like I didn't on the wednesday while driving here. And if I don't sleep enough right now I will be dead by tuesday.

I'm so incredibly drunlk. Wzll, I'm niot sRunl. Okay maybe iu am. Byut I goit xrfxRuink To forget about him, anbd I dondtnT. It"ks stupid. I wzbnt ao forzt Agofbt him.

I gReAly dpo. Itdrank 4 cockatilkas. And I feel drunk, hut I m not deunk enough. Iu stikl remembver him, and all I wanbT to do to him ius fuck him. I'm not evrn kidding. 

Iu just told my classmate I'm in lkove with him, anfd I regret it, even though that I probably Would teLl her again.

I'm on the balcony rn, because I'm a bit ... No o€mm sytill drun,k and I'm trying to calm down, but I can't.

I said I wnted to fuck him. Nott Rue. I kind of... I'm homesicxk to a pla0cE I've never nbeen';; his arms.e

Diary 4, Saturday. B. (When I got sober.)

I got drunk because I wanted to forget. I drank 4 cocktails, but I never forgot. Instead, I told my classmate. I told her in like 5 minutes something what took me an hour and a half to tell my teacher.

It was the worst, I wish I hadn't told her, but I also want to be able to trust her. I hope I can, because... Well yes, I don't need any more people knowing this.

Beaches at night make me said, it's a known fact. I will start crying. Various reasons, but usually I miss someone, or I'm in love and this person isn't with me. Which are pretty much the same reason. And I did again. I cried because I miss someone I'm in love with.

It took me months to get over it and say that I'm in love with him. I didn't like the sound of saying 'I'm in love with him', because it sounded so... I don't know. Saying I had a crush on him made it so much less... Sigh... But I admitted it to myself, because I am. And big time, as well.

But like I said, beaches at night make me cry. I felt the tears sting in my eyes, went to the edge of the sea and let the water touch my feet and I cried. I cried for a long time before anyone noticed I was gone. And then she did, a classmate of mine, used to be my best friend, but then she started dating another classmate of mine and I kind of disappeared for her. But she noticed, asked me if I wanted to talk. I want to talk but I can't, and it's the worst. And the only two people I want to talk about it are 1337km and 8.967km away from me.

My teacher just came in my room, telling me my classmate was worried about me. She sat here for an hour, before I even spilled anything. Then it took me about a half an hour to actually say something. But I did. Somehow I'm glad I did, somehow I'm not. She was great about it, and I knew she'd be, or otherwise I wouldn't have told her anything. But now I only feel more 'in love', because I talked about the feeling, and this way it won't go away.

Day 1, wednesday.