took me almost two years to have the courage to open this. to see how I failed the most important exam of my life so far.

I was driven by a whim, a sudden urge of inspiration upon knowing that many like me will finally reach their dream this year. 

More than passing the exam, I was praying for God to grant me strength and wisdom- in preparation for whatever the result will be.

And he gave me exactly that. I felt His presence while crying, broken by my failure.

Never thought that the failure might actually be the opportunity He gave me so I'd be strong and that I'd have the grace to understand, or at least try to, the purpose with which He is preparing me for.

I'd be a lawyer. I know that. I feel it deep in my soul.

1 year ago today, I received one of the saddest news of my adult life- I failed the bar exam.

1 year ago around this time, I'm drunk and bawling my eyes out. Pouring my heart and asking why? I did everything I can. I gave everything I had. Ano pa? Ano pa kypwan kong gibon?

1 year ago today, I stood at the precipice of one of the steepest jump I ever made- moving on from the ruins of my dream and hardwork.

Today, I received one of the most relieving news any person can have- I tested negative for covid.

Tonight, I just finished preparing my suit, picking my accessory, packing my stuff, preparing to meet my new employer tomorrow.

Tonight I am standing at precipice- another steep jump but not as heartbreaking.

I think I've reached a point where I can confidently walk away from things that disturb my peace of mind.

Tanggap kong d pa ko nananalo. At masaya ako para sa mga taong naabot na yung pinaghihirapan ko pa lang ngayon. Pero masakit pa din. D pa din maiwasan yung bakit sya andyan na ako andito pa din.

~Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

Watching Alice Sara Ott do her magic made me realize a few things.

First, she's playing by memory. Maybe because she's the soloist that's why she doesn't have any guide. But I think even if they put something like that in front of her she won't be able to make use of it anyway. She's just so into the piece. She's playing by heart. And not just her part but the entirety of the ensemble. You can see her mouthing off the parts before, during and after her solo parts. She's so deep into the music that her eyes, her mouth, her face, the entirety of her body is in tune with everything that's going on. She and the orchestra are like the personification of the concerto, like they're the physical manifestation of this beautiful piece.

Second, after being dazed by the beauty of it all, I realized how much work she must have put into this 48-minute performance. I'm guessing that while preparing for this, her whole life must have been taken over by the music. Because you can't tell them apart while watching this. There must have been a complete merging to be able to produce something like this. You can't fake this. Hours and hours of practice until the piece becomes the air that you breathe. Traversing the subconscious level so that you have to actually force yourself to think of something else, otherwise it will be the only thing to occupy your mind.

Third, I may just have understood why I failed the bar exam. Maybe, if I don't master the principles like how Sara mastered the notes; maybe, if I don't appreciate them enough to give them life like how she did in there; maybe, if I don't enjoy myself like how she's apparently having the time of her life in that concerto while taking the next bar exam; maybe, if I don't breathe the review like air, I won't be able to win. Maybe I need to have this kind of transcendence so that the bar will finally give me the chance to be a lawyer.