#ballsss

Some things never change

The first time I saw you I thought you were very odd. The way you looked, your style. I guess I was so used to seeing the same type of guys all my life. But, you were different. And I also thought you looked either really tired or really stoned. I would have never thought from that first day that I would ever talk to you, you just seemed too cool to talk to a lame ass freshman. I was just like whatever, and I went on with that class and my class after that. I go to my next class, and sure enough, there goes that weird looking kid. But, I knew that I would never talk to you. And that was that. 

I had band practice one day and I was walking down the hall with my friend and you were standing in the hallway with someone and you came up to me and asked if I was Rachael’s sister. I said yes and walked away. That was the first time I had ever been that close to you and I realized your contacts weren’t blue and black, they were white and black. That was the first thing I thought to myself, and then came the little girl inside me saying, “OMG HE TALKED TO ME!” Such a loser, but it’s cool, lol.

The next day you said hi to me. And the next day. And the next day. You had started to talk to me by the third day I think. And then you sat next to me. You sat next to me again the next day, and walked me to lunch. I found out you wrote in cursive. I found out you hated your short hair, that you had long hair the year before and it was dyed purple. But your hair was dead and you decided to cut it all off. By then I found out who you were. You were the kid with the boyfriend. No, you were the kid with the best guy in the world. Everyone loves him. I was glad I didn’t know him. When I told you that I thought you were gay, you got really serious. You looked me in the eyes and said that you were bisexual. You didn’t say bi, you said the whole word. Oh, I liked your shirt that day. You said you looked like shit, but I couldn’t see any flaw. 

We got to know each other. You ended up sitting with me permanently too. One day you didn’t walk me to lunch and I was like what? That was the first day I realized I might like this kid. The next day you walked me to lunch. You told me you hated routines. I told you I did too, but I always ended up in a routine and that’s just how I was. I guess you got used to routines though. You walked with me everyday to lunch. And you walked me to my third period. Everyday. And after a little while, with your arm wrapped around me. You would sing to me. I loved your voice. You would be an asshole. I would be a bitch. You were only an asshole when I was being mean to you though.

One day you came into class late. You came right up to me and told me you and him broke up. I looked at you as if I had just seen a ghost. I asked you if you wanted a hug. You said yes. You said you were sad. But you didn’t look it. “I really am sad.” I didn’t know if you were trying to convince yourself or me. Then you held my hand and started to sing to me. The touch of a girls hand is the sweetest. You were sent back to your seat. I was confused. You kept on saying my name out loud. You were blowing me kisses and winking at me. You asked me if I was the hit it and quit it type. You were signed out. The end of that weirdness. 

You asked me one day why I always said I hated you. I said it was easier to say that than anything else. You’re a fucking idiot, I’m just saying.

You became very, umm, touchy I guess. That’s the way I’d put it. That’s the easiest way to put it, really. We got really close. Too close. And I was hooked on you, just like that. And I swear to god, you knew. And I still think you know. I told you without telling you a few times. I don’t know if you are a plain moron, or you just don’t want to see it. Even though I told you basically, it didn’t stop you from doing what you did. The time in art. In math. The day you kissed me on the cheek. You’re smile afterwards was the best thing that I’ve seen in a long time. Remember when I asked you what type of girl you liked. Your answer made me lose so much respect for you though. And I told you. You disgusted me, and you asked me what I was. I looked at you like you were fucking crazy and said I was Sadie. You wouldn’t let me go either. I kept on saying that I hated you and you said to stop saying that. You told me you loved me and that I loved you and you wanted me to say it. Since you wouldn’t let me go I said it. I kind of meant it too. Then I said I hated you and you laughed and said that I already said I loved you. Fucking bastard.

I told you that we should end all conversations one day. You turned around and didn’t talk to me. I was so mean to you sometimes and you still dealt with me. You came up to me later and said Hi non-friend. How sweet of you to take the initiative to start us up again. I said I was sorry. You said it was okay. But nothing was the same after that.

I think it was the little thing with her that made us act different with each other. Or you act different with me. For that time being, you didn’t hold my hand in class anymore. And you didn’t walk with your arm wrapped around me. That’s when I wanted to hate you. Turns out you were too in love with him though. And I felt so bad for her. You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. That there was no denying how much you two loved each other. I loved you in that moment of time because you were really talking to me. That was the second time that I got to see you at your weakest. Those two moments are times I won’t forget ever because they mean a lot to me. Those were the times when I felt you were comfortable enough to tell me what you were feeling. I know you are a very broken kid, and that’s what I love about you. You’re able to keep a smiling face for everyone. Hmm, something we have in common, sadly. 

You were gone for awhile. That’s when I realized I had become so dependent on you. The only way I was happy was if I had seen you. And I didn’t see you for three weeks. It felt like forever, but it really wasn’t. I thought I wasn’t ever going to see you again though. I didn’t know how to go a day without you. But I learned. I was starting to become happier by the end of that third week. 

But you came back and took my breath away. You came back with him by your side too. No more single life for you. I was even more in love with you though. I’m so sorry. 

That week that you had come back was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had. I loved having you in my class that consisted of kids all two years younger than you. I loved picking out houses with you. I loved watching the squirrels chasing each other with you. I loved playing around on the sidewalk with you. I just loved it when it was the two of us. Talking about riding the horses outside of the Dollar Store. Or the one’s outside of Sally’s.

There are so many little things that come back to me too. I just cannot seem to forget anything that has happened in these last several months with you. I wish I could but you’ve left such a big impact on me. You’re unforgettable. 

I was watching you leave one day and I told myself I would never forget you. I’m sorry that I can’t tell you this to your face. I just am terrified of losing you, even though I feel like I already have. And if I am losing you, I know I will be okay because I’m used to these situations. Like I told you before, I don’t make new friends because they always leave. You told me you’d never leave me though and we’d be best friends forever. But I just can’t believe that anymore.

December 30th 2010~