#balance problems

'Can I stay in my home ...?'

Our friend Richard Prangley, who's been experiencing balance problems, took a spill on the sidewalk outside a Burger King last Thursday.

He tried phoning me for help but I was Up North. Richard then worked his way through his short list of people who might come to his aid. No luck. Ultimately, a kind stranger picked him up off the pavement and drove him home.

A neighbor then drove Richard to a hospital emergency room where X-rays revealed no broken bones - just scrapes and bruises.

In light of other falls in recent months - plus the ordinary ravages of aging - Richard is now obsessed with the question of how long he can hold on to the independence he fought so hard to achieve.

He feels threatened. He worries about his beloved stuffed tigers and ceramic ducks and collections of collections, acquired over his 26 years in the the house and arranged just the way he wants them.

What would happen to all that, he wonders, if he has to leave?

But I also have autism and it’s like 25 degrees outside and we do not have ac. The sweat is a sensory nightmare but the thought of showering feels like a sensory nightmare too and I’m way to tired to do anything.

At the same time, I have a balance problem that gets triggered by heat. And what helps bad period cramps? Heat.

So not showering will mean that I get dizzy and have bad sensory issues but showering means bad sensory issues and being exhausted.

One of my friends keeps complaining that I don’t dance. I understand that it’s because she has anxiety and she wants me to go places with her and she likes dance clubs/bars. But it’s also really hard to extend empathy when the conversation is always

“We should come with me to x- oh, but you don’t dance” “Yup” “Whyyyy” “I have anxiety” “Just get over it! Nobody is watching, and they’re all a bunch of white transplants with no rhythm anyway, it’s fine” “Anxiety isn’t rational” *in a half joking tone* “I hate you” “I hate me too!”

Like. I get self conscious about WALKING and commuting on a day to day basis. I have a visible limp, poor balance, and I get people making snide comments whenever I don’t give my seat up for older people even after they see me take my meds. I’m also fat which makes me hypervisible and I’m just not very confident in my dancing which shows. I also don’t drink because of my meds. So why would I waste spoons by getting ready, making myself anxious, hiding said anxiety, forcing my autistic ass to socialize, and then sitting through a night of someone complaining i’m not dancing?

And it also sucks because I also wish I could dance! I wish I could do a lot of things that I can’t because of my multitude of illnesses/disabilities. I don’t CHOOSE to not do things that look really fun. I don’t CHOOSE to be tired all the time. I don’t CHOOSE to get self conscious because I can only wear one pair of shoes without worrying I’ll get some sort of injury.

This also isn’t unique- I feel like this friend just doesn’t hear the way they talk to me. They will make fun of my for things- which I can deal with but- then they turn around and ask me to trust them even though “other people” make me feel embarrassed to express certain things. As if they aren’t contributing to what makes me talk to them the way I do.