#bairns

“I love carrot cake, Jamie, but I don’t think everyone loves it. It’s not exactly the most popular of choices.”

“Tis our weddin’,” Jamie crossed his arms, looking like an impatient child.

I set my fork down, and looked over at him, “Why is this so important to you?”

“Is it no important to ye, mo nighean?”

I slid my hand across the table to grab his hand, and he reluctantly took it. “Of course it is, Jamie. I guess I’ve just never seen you this passionate about cake is all,” I laughed.

“I’m verra passionate about desserts, Sassenach.” Jamie leaned forward, licking his lips, “Especially when some of it is on the corner of yer mouth.” He pressed his lips against mine firmly, then flicked his tongue across my lips, collecting any remaining frosting.

Blushing, I wiped my mouth with my napkin, and Jamie laughed. “Pick whatever cake ye want… so long as it’s no the chocolate.”

“Fine,” I smiled. “How about the vanilla lavender with buttercream frosting?”

“Aye, that one was bonny.”

“Thank God,” I let out a deep breath. “That’s one thing crossed off our list. You know, if we’re going to be getting married in three months, then we better hurry up!”

“Well how much more can there be to do?” Jamie looked at me seriously.

“Jamie, my dear.” I shook my head, “There is so much to be done.”

“I’m no in the mood to be doin’ anymore of it today, Sassenach. I’m happy to come along wi’ ye and help pick out stuff, but one decision a day please!” He held up both hands, exasperated at trying so many cake flavors.

“We don’t have any other appointment scheduled until next week anyway,” I laughed and stood up, and headed off to tell the baker our decision.

I joined Jamie outside, wrapping my arms around his waist and stood on my toes to give him a kiss. “We’re going to Jenny and Ian’s right? To see the baby for a bit?”

“Aye,” He twisted a curl around his finger, “Wee Maggie has been a handful she tells me.”

“Fraser blood,” I smirked and smacked his bum before climbing into the car.

++++++

I held Maggie in my arms, rocking her slowly back and forth. She had the cutest pink cheeks, chubby as most babies are, and the smallest little fingers. I couldn’t stop looking at her, even when Jenny would ask me a question about the wedding — I kept my eyes locked down on Maggie.

“If ye’ve got her for a bit, I’m just goin’ to take a bath,” Jenny said, rising from the bed. “Havena had a proper soak in what feels like forever.”

“Aye, we’ll watch her,” Jamie smiled and came to join me on Jenny’s bed. He slid his arm around my shoulder and I leaned my head against him.

“Do you want children, Jamie?”

He touched Maggie’s small hand with his finger and she latched onto it, taking the tip of it into her mouth. “Oh aye, Sassenach. I’d love to fill our house wi’ bairns… Hand down the good Fraser name.” He smiled at me but his eyes were a million miles away - picturing what our future might look like one day.

“Jamie…” I looked at him and then quickly back down at Maggie. “I may never be able to give you a daughter as beautiful as wee Maggie. I don’t know if I can have children,” I said softly.

Sooner or later I knew this topic would come up, and I should have mentioned it before we got engaged, but everything with Jamie happened very quickly.

He was silent, his hand squeezing tight on my shoulder, urging me to continue. “When I was engaged to Frank, we discussed having children. My mother had two miscarriages before I was born, Jamie.”

“Mo ghraidh,” Jamie placed a kiss on the top of my head.

“And so we went to the doctor to check if everything was alright. That’s when I found out that I have less eggs than a woman should at my age.” I felt a tear slid down my cheek and rushed to wipe it. “Christ, I’m only 25. I should have told you, Jamie.”

His grip tightened around me and I leaned into his chest, tears silent falling down my face. Little Maggie barely stirred, her chest rising slowly. Jamie pushed my curls back behind my ear and tilted my chin up to look at him. “Perhaps it’s for the best, Sassenach.”

“What?”

“It’s just, so many things can go wrong with a pregnancy, even with today’s modern medicine. I wouldn’t want anythin’ to happen to ye or for ye to suffer.”

“I wouldn’t mind the pain,” I cried.

He kissed my forehead, “I would. I can bear pain myself, but I couldna bear yers. It would take more strength than I have.”

Jamie let me cry as much or as little as I needed to as we both watch Maggie sleep peacefully.

With Frank, when I had learned that it would be hard for me to become pregnant, I wasn’t exactly disappointed. As our relationship progressed, there were traits I saw in him that I didn’t like and so I was secretly glad I might not be able to pass those along to my future children. That should have been a warning sign for me to leave him, but it took me being cheated on to come to my senses.

Now being with Jamie, all I wanted was to be able to give him children — as many as he wanted. The thought of small red haired children running around our house one day made me smile and I prayed that it would be possible for us.

“Jamie,” I said after awhile and he looked over at me. “Promise me we won’t give up? Trying to have children?”

He smiled, and leaned in to kiss me, “Aye, we’ll try, Sassenach. I would verra much like to try.”

Present Day - November 2018

“FUCK!!!”

My eyes were shut tight, and I was seeing spots, but the light was too bright in the bloody hospital room. I could hear Jamie scooping more ice chips into a cup, and I wanted to hurl it at his face.

“Just a few more minutes, Claire, then we’ll be ready to push out baby number one,” my doctor said and I nodded quickly, taking deep breaths.

“Sassenach, ye can do this.” Jamie kissed my sweaty forehead, grabbing one of my hands to let me squeeze.

“You’ll bloody fucking pay for this, Jamie!” I let out a scream as another contraction came.

“Christ,” Jamie muttered and I looked at his hand, which was turning white. He only gripped my hand tighter.

“Who do you think will be first, Malcolm or Lilidh?” He smiled and wiped my forehead with a cloth.

“I’d like it to be Lilidh,” I panted. “So that she can be the older one. Have something to hold over her brother’s head.”

Jamie laughed, holding up a ice chip to my lips. I sucked on the chunk of ice, and leaned my head back against the pillow.

“Of course, if Malcolm is first he’ll always let her know. Stubborn Fraser men,” I started to laugh and then grunted as another contraction came.

“Okay, Claire…” my doctor looked at me, her hands on my ankles. “It’s time to push.”

I looked from her to Jamie, and he looked quite frightened. I suddenly wondered who this would be harder for, him or me?

Fuck. Me.

Women who tell you that pregnancy is a beautiful thing forget to mention the incredible pain you feel when you’re pushing something that feels like a watermelon out of a very small hole.

Bracing myself, I shut my eyes, gripping Jamie’s hand as tightly as I possibly could and pushed when the doctor told me to.

“That’s it, Claire. Come on, I can see the head.”

Deep breath. Push. Scream. Push.

A cry.

“Christ, she’s bonny,” Jamie said and my eyes sprang open to look at my daughter. She was beautiful, no matter if she was covered in amniotic fluid and blood — she was perfect.

“Lilidh,” I sighed, my body relaxing momentarily.

“Would you like to cut the first cord, Dad?” The doctor said, handing him a pair of scissors.

Jamie looked down at me, his eyes wide as he took them. Once the cord was cut, he picked her up, tears filling his eyes and brought her to me. I pulled back the front of my hospital gown and Jamie laid her against my chest. Lilidh cried, her little eyes shut to the new world she had just arrived in.

“Our lass,” Jamie cried, stroking her back. A couple of minutes later, I felt another contraction coming, and so Jamie helped give Lilidh over to the nurse to be cleaned and swaddled.

“Ready for another one?” Jamie smiled, kissing me quickly.

I nodded and prepared myself to go through it all over again.

At last, after several more contractions and what felt like an hour of pushing, Malcolm Fraser came into the world. We repeated the same steps we did with Lilidh — cutting the umbilical cord, and placing him on my chest, breathing together.

“Just as ye said, Sassenach,” Jamie laughed. “Lilidh is older by twenty-three minutes.”

“As she should be,” I chuckled, then stared down at our beautiful boy. I could tell already that both our children were red headed - purely from Fraser blood, no doubt about it. That thought made me smile, knowing that Jamie was so clearly the father and that our traits were mixed into them.

Another nurse came and took Malcolm to be cleaned and I let my head fall back against the pillow, drenched in sweat. Jamie rested his head into the crook of my neck, and I felt his body shaking. Slowly, I lifted one hand to the back of his neck.

“Christ, I’m so glad ye all made it.” He sniffed, “Ye were so brave, Claire.” Jamie pulled back, placing a kiss on my lips, “So brave and strong.”

“You bloody bet I was,” I laughed.

Jamie pressed his forehead to mine. “They’re cleanin’ the bairns, do ye want me to go and check on them? Ye can rest for a bit and I’ll come back wi’ them both.”

I nodded and smiled lazily, already feeling myself drifting off to sleep, my body fatigued.

Some time later - I have no idea how long - I felt someone nudging my side, and opened my eyes to see Jamie, holding both our babies in his strong arms. “Slide over a bit?”

I moved over in the bed so that he could come and lay beside me. He handed me Malcolm and I cradled him to my chest as he laid down gently next to me, holding Lilidh.

“She’s already got you wrapped around her little finger,” I smiled.

“Aye, I’ll do whatever she asks. Bonny lass,” he said softly, running his finger over her pink cheek. “And we’ve got our brave lad, too.”

I ran my hand over the top of Malcolm’s head, lightly covered with red fuzz. Newborn babies really did smell good. “He’ll grow up strong and kind…” I looked over at Jamie, “Just like his father.”

“I love you, mo nighean donn,” Jamie said softly, his voice cracking slightly, his eyes brimming with fresh tears.

“And I love you, Jamie Fraser.” He closed the space between us and kissed me. We stayed close together, our heads touching on the pillow and watched both of our babies sleeping in our arms.