#badwolfgay

I can eat them but I can’t eat actual pickles

Same! Pickles give me the worst heartburn x_x

borpowinfrey said: 

I literally read dill and pickle together as dick ugh what’s wrong with me

I'm not sure if anyone actually reads my personal posts, or if people do and just don't really care about my problems. Either way I keep coming to this website and posting things in an attempt to get away from the loneliness and sadness I feel daily. This has become a safe place where I am not judged or avoided because I'm weird or unusual. It's a place where I can admit that I'm breaking apart piece by piece.

If any of you care at all, please take the time to read what I have to say, even if you've never spared a second glance at my other personal posts before. This is essentially a final cry for help, a confession and explanation for the choices I've made, and I need someone, anyone, to care enough to help, especially those I was once close to. You all deserve to know why I chose the actions I did.

I can be an awful person at times, but I do try to be a good friend, a friend that's always there when someone needs help or comfort, even if I was once selfish and blind to the compassion I myself was given. I tried to be accepted by the world around me and I let my selfish emotions and thoughtless decisions cut out those who liked me for who I was. 

I've ruined my own life, and made a lot of mistakes. I've had a few acquaintances at school, but never many real friends. In preschool I played alone or with my younger sister since none of the other children wanted me around. In middleschool I was called ugly, weird, a freak. It was made quite clear to me by my fellow peers that I was unusual and unwanted for being different, despite my attempts to fit in. My own sister started to think of me as some sort of embarrassment as she got older, so even she stopped wanting me around.

As I got into high school no one really liked me, so I was usually ignored.  I began to feel increasingly lonely and depressed, and my grades dropped because of my lack of motivation in school. Eventually I was forced to move to a new town so that my parents could keep a closer eye on me and my grades. My new school was in a rich neighborhood, and I didn't really fit in at all. I ended up spending most of my freshman year by myself.

Sophomore year I was accepted as a friend by a girl named Courtney. We got along well and were very close until my insecurities began to overwhelm me and I started trying to be someone I wasn't. After I discovered drugs I was usually high as a means of escape from reality and a way to summon enough courage to be more open socially. I avoided school in its entirety whenever possible because I felt insecure and out of place there. Courtney grew tired of me as I had started to become a nuisance and was always calling her while fucked up. In the end she just gradually dropped connections with me altogether.

My family moved again after that, and once more I was forced to start over alone as ever. I made a few acquaintances, but only one true friend that honestly did care about me. Her name was Paige. She and I were very close, and though I still felt alone and weird and disliked by most, at least I had someone. Then she began dating this boy, and I started dating his sister, Ivey. Ivey was sweet and kind and we had so much in common and even though she was young, I did love her. But after about a year I found myself falling into unhappiness. My emotions became pent up and I started acting irritable and harshly when it was uncalled for.

I ended things the best way I could, even though I was not completely honest when I should have been. I didn't tell her that I wanted something new and wasn't happy anymore. I was too scared to say how I truly felt because the truth was painful and I didn't want to do that to her. I didn't lie either, though. I told her the relationship wasn't healthy for either of us and she deserved to be happy, which was fully true. She's an amazing, intelligent person, and I think later she'll understand that ending things was truly for the best, that I was only trying to do what I thought was right.

Through all of that I was still constantly getting high and taking pills and harming myself. I felt trapped inside a world that hated me and I didn't know how else to escape from things. My grades plummeted to their worst. I couldn't focus on school because I hated going, hated being forced into crowds of people where I was unaccepted and cast out when no one even took the time to get to know me. I had little to no motivation to get better grades or try. I just wanted to get through each day and then go home where I didn't have to feel insecure. I began ignoring and avoiding people that truly did care about me, and as a result they  gave up on me and moved on. One was Will, who was a great friend to me when neither of us had anyone else in a world full of assholes. He moved on and has become this big, successful, popular thing. Another was Rae, that I met on this website where we would talk online. We both had our own emotional problems, and neither of us handled or them in the best way. I grew impatient acted harshly towards her when I shouldn't have been. I don't blame her for not wanting anything to do with me now. The final friend, and possibly the greatest loss, was Paige, the one who'd stuck beside me so long.

I was selfish and was upset that she was always with her boyfriend and not with me. She would hardly take the time to talk to me when she was with him, which I understand, but she was with him constantly. Due to my grades I was moved to a different school and put in a program so that I could catch up and graduate on time. I befriended a girl named Alexie who I'd heard was trouble (and even now proves herself to be), but I didn't have anyone else and I was so alone. Paige was upset because she and Alexie were enemies, and she felt like I betrayed her. She began to think of me as this awful person, and I suppose I was acting in an awful way, but it was only because I didn't know how else to handle things.

My emotional instability lead to a lot of bad decisions. I didn't know how to ask for help; I didn't talk to my parents because my mom didn't really do heart-to-hearts and all of my previous attempts at opening up to my stepdad went misunderstood or waved off. Growing up I'd never had anyone to talk to about these things that went on in my head, how I felt, or how I viewed myself. I tried all of the wrong things to get by and ended up stuck in my own grave.

So here it is, my heart and my feelings and my flaws exposed fully and completely.

Who I am is an introvert that's terrified of being judged and not fitting in, of being alone, of rejection. I react badly to some situations because I lack the social skills to calmly handle anything that involves other people. It's nearly impossible for me to say no or break things off with someone because I don't want anyone to feel any sort of hurt or disappointment. I don't always respond to texts because I don't feel like talking and I sometimes ditch plans with friends to be alone so that I can relax and think- I just don't know how to say that without anyone worrying or asking me what's wrong. I'm a fucked up person and I really just don't know how to handle life.

My emotional instability and social anxiety are what led to most of my decisions throughout my adolescence. It's no excuse, however, for the way I've treated those who do love me for who I am, and no amount of apologies will ever fix the distance I've created between myself and those who were once my friends.

Now I feel like I'm about to break. I can't take feeling this way anymore, and I desperately need some to talk to, to help me through this hell of self-hatred I'm in.

On my way

What the fuck I’ve never been notified how the hell would I know

IT’S TIME FOR DINNER

OK

ok