#badfirstdates

OKCupid is sooooo three years ago now that everyone has a smart phone and relies on apps for everything. Seriously. My DAD even has an iPhone now (and his emoji game is surprisingly strong...though his Bitmoji gives me the creeps).

Though I’ve been semi-actively Hinge-ing and Bumble-ing (I really don’t have it in me to get back on Tinder. That place is a war zone), I’ve only been on one date. Naturally, my assumption is that while I’m apparently a hot commodity on Tinder (It’s a strange day when a black guy I’ve swiped right doesn’t swipe me right...this white girl loves chocolate, and it is reciprocated), Hinge and Bumble men find me hideous and fat and a loser and I’m going to die alone either aren’t as active on the app or don’t like what they see.

Since downloading both apps, I have been on one date. And of course, it was a disaster.

Who: The Cracker 

Where: Beauchert’s Saloon

What: Cheese and fancy cocktails

This was my first real date in months. Naturally, I brainstormed a million and a half reasons to cancel and was on the brink of an anxiety attack. Not only do dates give me anxiety (along with trying new things, calling people on the phone, my student debt, my trajectory to becoming a cat lady, etc.), but I arrived before him (despite being five minutes late on purpose) to a packed bar with zero place to sit. So I had to awkwardly hang out by the hostess stand waiting for him to show up. 

He showed up, after politely calling me to tell me he was a few minutes away (causing more panic on my side), only to leave us both awkwardly (His fault- he kissed me on the cheek upon greeting me. We aren’t in goddamn Europe.) standing by the hostess stand, waiting for stools to open up. 

After finally finding seats (veryyyyy close together), we ordered some drinks and a charcuterie board and appetizers and the standard first date banter began. I could tell straight away that I wasn’t into him. I mean, he was nice, funny, polite, and smart, but he was someone I would want to be friends with, not bang. Such a shame that bad first “app” dates can’t turn into friendships.

Then, out of no where....his voice cracked (See? I wasn’t being derogatory). Like a 12 year old boy’s. And given that I have no poker face, my attempt at pretending not to notice was an epic failure, forcing him to acknowledge it. Which he did so comically, and we continued a nice banter about some safe topic.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN. SEVERAL TIMES. 

Luckily, I got a little better at hiding my surprise. Meaning, I didn’t have a total body physical reaction...I think my eyebrows got a good workout, though:

How he thought I was ready and willing (and prepared for) a goodnight kiss at the end of the night is beyond me. But he did. And I reacted badly.

Thank baby Jesus (who hopefully did not have the above little guys’ eyebrows) that both our Ubers were waiting for us at that moment. Well, kind of. Because we were on the sidewalk, so I had to face a silent five minute ride home with a perfect stranger who witnessed the event. The “event” being me turning my cheek to the dive bomb of a kiss, giving him an awkward hug and goodbye, and climbing into a jacked up Chevy Suburban (have I mentioned how short my legs are?).

So if you just got out of a relationship in which you had a baby and you think your ready to start dating again, first ask yourself could you still return it?. p.s. the standard return policy extends up to 30 days.