#bad read

I don't even know where to fucking start with this review. I knew going into this that I was in for a bad time. I was just unaware how bad of a time... "Never judge a book by its cover!" Well, I should have, and harshly at that. This won't be a long text post of my written-out thoughts and summary like the other reviews as this is a six for one since all the books are generally less than 30 pages (the longer ones are the ones with three books crammed into one) so I will just list them from worst to best with bulleted points, but to start; a small list of things that spanned all the books.

All dicks that are not tentacles are as long as the female leads forearm and as thick as her wrist.

The use of "virgin asshole."

Saying the dick or tongue reached places previously untouched.

Juices running down thighs and into ass cracks.

Different, but ultimately, the best tasting cum to exist. (TBH it all sounded like it would send me running to the bathroom as fast as a glass of milk)

Mind control??? Like there has to be??? I simply cannot be convinced that upon laying their eyes on, what appears to be the average size, a giant dick all of a sudden, each female lead is down to clown.

Badly and shortly written smut, all bad porno scripts, like really bad, I'm talking even bad porn producers would throw these in the reject pile.

Reigned In by the Reindeer Man 0/10

Trigger warning for attempted sexual assault and overall, general nasty man.

Starts out with her in what I wish wasn't a common situation for woman but, unfortunately, most definitely is with a disgusting man being disgusting towards her

Pervy Santa she works with gets aggressive, chases her through the mall attempting to assault her, she runs out into traffic and almost gets hit by a truck (truck-kun almost coming in for that isekai save)

Oh Whoa, she gets whisked away by something furry and antlered

It's Blitzen

but like

a ten-foot-tall, super muscular and humanoid Blitzen

You'll never guess how huge his dick is, because it is out and demanding

Would have definitely dubbed this a noncon situation if, at the very last second, she hadn't decided that giant deer dick was worth getting a taste of

Blitzen's cum tastes like all the best parts of Christmas if you were wondering

He also goes down like a champ, and plows like a champ, just an absolute beast in the sheets (◔_◔)

Laughed at the line "you invoked the Santa"

Blitzen does take offence to being called Vixen - he's kind of a douche tbh

Bad

Given to the Groundhog God 0/10

Trigger warning for potential pedophilia and rape being an aspect

A smutty, fantasy Hunger Games rip?

That line about odds being in favors is pretty fucking close

And the whole drawing names until your 18 and free from the selection

Um

Pedophilia?

Maybe?

Definitely nothing is said to not make this potential claim invalid

It says that woman are in danger for their first 18 years from getting their names drawn

And later the Groundhog God makes it clear he's gotta bone 'em to get their life force

I think

Crime was committed

If not pedophilia, definitely rape

So... disgusting, all the crime ones get 0's

She volunteers for her sister whose name gets drawn and goes for her (female lead is 21) to the Groundhog God

Oh, btw, it's fucking groundhogs day :|

She is entranced by his groundhog god dick

Turns out she's his mate (thank god he doesn't have to take any kids to fuck ever again)

She turns into a furry groundhog lady

Gag me with a spoon

Lusty Lost Souls 1/10

Girl who had three boyfriends who all tragically died on their way to a high school dance is facing her fears and returning to hometown ten years later

Oop, former classmate wants to kill her cause she still blames her for their deaths

BOOM, dead, how? They're ghosts or fog monsters or something along those lines

Now that main girl is back in town their all riled up and ready to get back in the sheets with her/protect her from the people trying to kill her

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to kill the main girl, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice

Anyways, after the second attempt made by former classmate who was in love with her, the boys make their appearance (this is the end of the book btw)

They then have a steamy (foggy?) fuck session and her old high school best friend watches from the sidelines but really just see's fog envelope the main girl and then all of a sudden she disappears forever

Not sure if she like died and also turned into fog or what happened there

It was boring

Tentacle Games 1.5/10

Just a horny squid games rip

Three books in one

They all sucked

This televised event where people compete for money but if they fuck up they get dragged off by tentacles

If you pay a subscription you get to see what happens backstage ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭

It's sex... they get fucked by the tentacles

That's it...

The third book is the scientist who created the horny tentacle monster getting fucked by one

The other two are just contestants on the show (losers)

Shout out to the size queen in the second one... though size isn't exactly hard to come by in any of these books :|

Groped by the Grinch 1.5/10

Her name is Holly Jolly

The Grinch is an invisible being that just gropes people probably

She can see him because she harbors true holiday cheer

Canon mind control in this one, but the Grinch chooses to seduce her the old fashioned way

By taking her clothes off and rubbing his giant grinch dick on her

At least this one has embellishments

There's Christmas lights under the skin and they spin when he gets real jazzed

The Grinch is ripped, absolutely shredded, complete babe magnet (if they could see him)

Ass of a god

Missed the chance for the perfect rip from the movie with the lines "You're the... the... the" "the, the, the, the Grinch!"

Absolutely wasted opportunity (but if you can get sued for that then I get it)

Also has Christmas cum but not the same as Blitzens'

The first, and possibly only, one we get a kiss in I think?

How romantic of Mr. Grinch

It was bad, still really really bad, but better than some

Seduced by Santa's Elves 2/10

Literally had to google the title to make sure I got it right and the 5th search result was pornhub (・_・ヾ

Jumped the gun and messaged multiple friends that this book was Santa getting cucked by Mrs. Clause and his elves

Was incorrect, kinda

Santa did get cucked by Mrs. Clause BUT it was with the easter bunny and the female lead of this is actually his sister

So, Santa leaves to go deliver Christmas presents, Mary, the lead, goes to her room to get frisky with her toys and Christmas themed porn that does not involve images of her brother (apparently hard to come by - someone direct her to previously listed Christmas books)

Dildo, hilt deep, oh what's that? Mary feels her breast get fondled?

Elf

Three elves, eventually; Bowie, Snowie, and Tinsel

Don't worry, their names are unimportant because not even the author could keep track of them

In one paragraph, Bowie's getting head, Snowie's going for that virgin ass, and Tinsel has touched places previously untouched with, you guessed it, a ginormous dick

In the next? Bowie is balls deep, Tinsel is at the back door, and Snowie is suddenly restricting her air space...

Literally consecutive paragraphs

Honestly, the dick size is unprecedented and frankly uncanny for these being three-foot-tall furry gremlin like things that are not at all reminiscent of the cover image

They also have Christmas cum... but not like Blitzens or the Grinch

BTW they have her bound and hanging above her bed with curtains

The only male characters who aren't shredded beefcakes?

Maybe the author just missed her chance at getting Mary to lick Snowie's washboard abs

Call me a scrouge but this fucking sucked

Amityville Tentacles: The Series 2.5/10

Another three books in one, but all revolving around a central point

A house that has a tentacle demon in it and it must fuck

Honestly, did not mind the first one

Not the most offensive thing I'd ever read

The second one was also fine?

They each had like some sort of backstory that I could live with

The third one was the worst

They are obviously mindless stories revolving around the smut aspect

Inherently, that makes them pretty bad

But the smut in these ones was much better than the previous books listed

My head did not hurt reading this

I can live with the fact that this exists

Seduced by the Pumpkin King 3.5/10

Sue me

I actually liked this one

Enough that I was like...

Flesh it out? Write it better? Give us more plot and backstory?

I'd read it again if these conditions were met

Main girl finds boyfriend cheating on her, somehow gets lost on her way home, ends up in this town and asks for help, the towns people chase her into the woods as a sacrifice for the dark one

I think that's what they called him

He's the king of nightmares and is just a super tall, super ripped, pumpkin-headed bloke

TBH, was into him

He was nice and I think he had a good design for a monster

His forearm length, wrist thick dick also had embellishments

He had little vines that wrapped around it

I'd fuck him (shakes my head with my silly little ace/aro lies teehee)

They ended up married

Short, simple, kind of cute little story

Still not great, but the best out of a bad bunch

I won't even get into the other story of Melanie Nyx's that I read, it's the giant skeleton one that can be found on the list of "books that belong in jail" list from tik tok. I did read it, and my poor, sweet, innocent friend, who watches as I drown in a suffering of my own creation, had to open the multiple snapchat videos (sent at 1 am) of me lamenting and begging for me to never commit to a bit like this again due to the horrors and atrocities I made my stupid little brain compute. I will warn, if you choose to dip your toe in this forbidden pool of trash, it is noncon and just plain bad.

Overall, don't fuckin read these. It's absolute trash and I hate myself for making me do this.

Will I ever do another nightmare gauntlet again? I don't know... I was dubbed a masochist for going through with this and while I am a glutton for punishment, I did also feel my soul leaving my body on many occasions. When I look in the mirror now, I see a broken person... which isn't much different than before but like, the light in my eyes has died just that much more.

Would I read again? Not in this life or the next or the one after that or any again.

Never in my degenerate monster fucker days have I ever come across a book like this. I spent 262 pages reading about an impulsive but high-strung girl freaking out over the mess she made herself because she decided to mess around with what she was confident was a spell book, never mind that she doesn’t actually believe in that stuff, or maybe she does? It’s a little confusing as the entire book is mostly her prattling inner dialogue hopping between thoughts, some completely discombobulating the train of thought. There’s only one way this book made it to be that long and it’s the mass of word vomit printed on the pages. 

Shannon is impulsive, knows what she wants, has a one-track mind and isn’t going to let anything get in her way once she’s stuck on a thought. Well, that’s how she describes herself, in fact she is more of a worrywart with high-strung tendencies that lead to her never ever making a fucking decision to save her or her fated mate. I think the fastest decision she made was to let him finger fuck her in the bathroom so she wouldn’t feel sick anymore.

Now, I can’t give all the credit to Shannon for annoying me beyond reason, because Malphas did his fair share. For a thousand-year-old, seven foot tall demon in touch with his feelings more than his counterpart you would think he would have the mind to explain things to her a little more if he really wanted to get the show on the road. Instead, he never explains much, only letting her discover it on her own and then having an “oh silly me for not saying so” moment every time. Talk about miscommunication. 

Now if you thought I was going to swoop in here and deliver the wonderful news that, “It’s okay that this book sucks! The smut is amazing!” Bad news. Sure, we get a small scene in the bathroom, much of which is really left to the imagination, and this is only around halfway through the read anyways. Once you hit page 182 (at least on the kindle app) you finally get to Malphas sticking it in and... oh? What’s this? A scene cut. Fading to black. I bet you’re so glad you made it this far just to get no actual pay-off.

That’s right! I’ve finally stumbled across the closest to PG-13 a monster fucker romance book could get. So, save your time and energy, this book is a compilation of a blathering FL butting heads with her devoted but imbecilic ML with no actual jolly's getting off... The only thing it has going for it over the tentacle one is that it actually has some sort of plot. Accidentally summon the demon, get rid of the demon, never mind, fall in love with the demon, save him from his impending doom because you couldn’t make up your mind, and then fuck... off screen. 3.5/10

Would I read again? No

If anyone tells you this book is spicy, they are a liar, a fiend, a weasel, and a scoundrel trying to waste your time. Through some research this is originally a Wattpad publish (not surprising) and no hate to the stories on there as they aren’t all bad, but the fact that this went on to probably be unedited and published? Get. Out. I am fuming, absolutely frothing at the mouth in anger that this was one of the first books recommended to me when searching “werewolf smuttiest book ever.”

Oh, yeah? What smut? The part where he dry humps her in the bathroom but she refuses and leaves? The part where he has her pinned against his desk... but she refuses and leaves? The part where he dry humps her in a backroom at a restaurant and she refuses and leaves???????? WHERE. IS. THE. SMUT.

This is 118 pages (on KU) of buildup to nothing between a 19-year-old and a 29-year-old. If the blatant refusal on her end but his insistence and nonconsensual marking of her didn’t skeeze you out than his continued pursual surely will. I get it, they’re werewolves, in haze or whatever nuance you wanna give to the term heat, what fucking ever. It’s so poorly written, with awful characters, some weird plot brought in around 3/4 of the way through, and absolutely nothing to look forward to in the end.

On top of all the buildup, the garbage writing, and no consistency to time (Everything is always happening all at once and everyone knows everything immediately) you are left with a giant cliffhanger “Because I think you might be my mate.” That’s cool... you’re still a shitty male lead pursuing a teenager. Oh? You were interested in reading the second book? I was too, just to see if anything was salvageable... You’ll need to download Galatea and pay for a whole new app if you wanna find out more about Aiden and Sienna... 

So, if trash writing, characters who equate to manifestations of fingernails on a chalkboard, absolutely zero spice and a bunch of nonsense, and having to jump apps in order to continue reading are what really get you going. Read it, because I will not be. 1/10

Would I read again? Fuck no.

That being said... Content Warnings should be mandatory.

Death Comes to Pemberley by P.D. James

Pride and Prejudice was a surprise favourite of mine. Having been forced to read it (I use the term “forced” rather liberally here) as part of my university education, I was delighted with it once I finally decided that I ought to read it if I wanted to perform well in my exams. What a great romantic story with all the twists and turns and hidden information! What a read. So, when my mother…