#babyteacher

What did I just do??

I just proposed a research type project that would involve multiple campuses across my district to a district curriculum coach to look at the effectiveness between 2 different math curricula.

Who the hell do I think I am??

Every morning when my alarm goes off at 6AM, and I realize that I am in for another day of teaching, I wonder to myself, “Have I made a terrible mistake? What am I doing with my life? How did I get here?” “I should be working at Michaels or something”.  But then I get to work with children all day, and I get to know them, and by 2:55PM I am thinking “I am not so bad at this maybe?” and I feel somewhat satisfied (this being said, I could work around the clock and never feel totally satisfied with what I’ve done in the course of a day). And then the cycle repeats again the next morning. Then Friday comes around, and even when I’m not working or wanting to be thinking about this stuff, I can’t help obsessing over every little detail- were there any students today that I’ve failed? How did I fail them? How can I make it better? And I can’t shut that part of my brain off- it’s like I need to figure out how to be better for those kids, but I don’t know what that looks like yet, because I’m just a baby teacher, and I literally can’t be great at my job yet because of this inexperience. Plus, this type of constant, nagging anxiety can’t be sustainable, can it? Like, won’t I run myself into the ground in no time if I keep obsessing and working and obsessing like this?

And then I freak out even more, because I remember how one of my university profs told us that a good teacher asks “how am I doing?”, but a great one asks “how are my students doing?” So then I guess I’ll have to settle for mediocrity, because I’m not asking the latter question, I’m asking the former. Or am I? I am caught in an endless, looping weir of self doubt right now!