Jul 18, 2023
So I may have fucked up and developed some -feelings-™
Fuckfuckfuck
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So I may have fucked up and developed some -feelings-™
Fuckfuckfuck
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Went on a date with this guy and he's great. And I'm really excited and incredibly nervous. I am not going to get my hopes up because we'll, let's be real my streak is terrible and I'm desperately in love with a man who lives in Idaho who doesn't give a single fuck about me. So whatever man.
I told you there were three options here, and I was hoping maybe it would be the third one where I would be disenchanted and maybe hate you. You laughed at me, asking and do you hate me? I told you, no, I still feel absolutely the opposite. You wondered what I meant by opposite. I told you I still felt exactly the same as I did in those I texts I sent so many years ago, and I wished I could just hate you, why can't you make me hate you?
You told me we had different morals and you tone yourself down for me, because you would devastate me, absolutely wreck me. I begged for you to do that. Because I don't want to hold these feelings anymore. You wouldn't.
You kept the brass tag I gave you, you keep it on your work keys and it goes underground into every mine you enter, and has since I gave it to you.
You told me that I shouldn't want you. You told me that your biggest regret was moving for someone, and you could never ask that of someone. I told you, you weren't asking, I was offering because our souls are connected, and you feel it too. That I'll take what I can get and it'll be enough.
You told me that you have a spot on your right lung that you get checked every year, and you'll die before too long, you're sure from lung cancer. And I said okay, I'll have you till then.
When I left for the airport you woke up and told me I need to text you when I get to the airport. I was confused, the airport, why? You said because there's a lot of deer, just tell me when you get there. I said okay, and I did. Then I told you when I finally got home. Sent you a picture of us together from two years ago. And said maybe I'll see you again, maybe I won't.
You said, good that you made it home safe, darn my hair was so long.
I made a post that said, it's a funny thing to feel your soul entangled with another and being both unable to run from it, or towards it.
Two sleeps and I'll be in Washington. Less than 48 hours and I will be seeing Babreham for the first time in over two years. I feel like throwing up. My anxiety is out of control. This is fine. Everything is fine. I am super fine.
I'm flying to Washington State on March 21st to see Babreham for the first time in over two years.. I'm incredibly nervous and anxious about it. We shall see how it goes. Maybe it'll be something, maybe it won't be. Either way, I'm going, and I have a lot of happiness about it too. I've held these feelings for him for so long and maybe he's held his for me too. Who knows.
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He said there is talk about him coming back here to work, and I just don't think I can handle this level of optimistic hopefulness. Especially if it's all for nothing. It's been two years... I worry about this fairytale I've invented and how everything will work out. Maybe it's all for nothing, but I think I need to know that for sure before I can even try and move on at this point.
So the date went really well... And he keeps asking when he can see me again. He keeps talking about painting the outside trim on my house for me. And he's very gentle and kind and I think he's really nice and I enjoyed myself.
So of course I sent Babreham a text. I see myself do things in real time and just shake my head at myself while I do it. Like come on.
My friend asked me, what would be better for my healing, giving up Babreham or giving up BDC, and I had never really contemplated this question before. But the answer was immediately clear. I could never have been open to anyone if I hadn't said goodbye to Babreham. Hmmm.