#azurith

I made a Tumblr for this, I'm not saying who I am because I don't want to risk being attacked myself. But I was actually on Az's server for some time, and I'm sick at seeing how these people are treating Az. I wasn't on the VA server, nor was I around when apparently there was drama with another server so I can't comment on that. But, I was around for a while, and interacted some. For the most part, Az's server was warm and inviting. It was one of the few places I felt comfortable talking and I was sad and slightly distressed to see it go. I went looking for why and was shocked to find the document and people trying to attack Az. From what I saw, Az was usually encouraging, though sometimes blunt, and I can see how Az might rub some people the wrong way, but nothing like what was described in the document. What I can say is that both Bon and Retro often referred to the server as their "Comfort server" and they all seemed to have pretty good camaraderie. Especially Retro, who Az even handed the server over to for a while. I don’t think you’d do that if you didn’t trust the person. I was there the night the VA server was created, though I only lurked in that channel because I wasn't a part of it, and I was on the night that Bon came in upset about what had happened on her server. I actually happened to think that it was incredibly rude of her to do so.

Personally, I think the reason Bon and Retro were made to feel guilty, is because they were guilty. Az stated the truth, what Bon was complaining about was exactly what she had done. If your feelings are affected by someone being open and honest with you, then thats on you. Its no excuse to attack the person who made you feel that way. I’m also flabbergasted at many of the other accusations in the document. They do not line up with my experiences at all. Poor mental health was a common topic on the server, but that was because many of us suffered from mental health issues and tried to comfort each other.  Some of her darker subject matter is what attracted me to Az’s writing in the first place. Many of us readers would find comfort in those stories. It was also something Retro frequently wrote about. 

Could you help me find an angel? Im not even sure if shes around, but im looking for my mother. She was a tall thin (yet curvy) angel with long tick straight brown hair, and eyes that looked like cherries, her wing were large and the design on the feathers looked like smoke from a bone fire rising into the night sky, and she was married to lucifer.—

go talk to azurith!! even if you don’t match the angel’s description :o (& that’s a super pretty description, oh wow).

Youre still not owning up to what you actually did to me. Can't take responsibility and admit your lies. You're right opening up to a trusted friend is. normal, which is what I did with you, I trusted you. You asked me for honesty and I gave it too you. And I said over and over again shit wasn't your fault. This? This is your fault.

Stop acting like a fucking child, I get the rest of them are but you aren't. You watched them threaten me over my family and still continue with this nonsense.

You know my husband had to take off work and sit with me to make sure I didn't do something stupid? You've been cruel and heartless, and I never did any of the things you claimed. All I ever did was try to lift you up when you were at your worst. I suffered though a lot to stick with you. I put huge mental toll on myself to try and help you through the worst even when it was detrimental to me. I cried, and woke up many times afraid you wouldn't be there. But you try to paint me as a controlling abusive monster?

Stop acting like you did nothing wrong, stop acting like you have no part in this. You're a huge part of it and you know it. You masqueraded as my friend, and have done a lot of damage to my mental health. I feel used, like you only kept me around to flatter you and lift your spirits up, and threw me out like garbage when you got bored.

So, I've decided against any private message, legal matters aside I'm still just overwhelmed this person would turn on me overnight. Everyone meaningful in the situation knows who I'm talking about. But this is a letter I wrote them on May 17, when they were really low and I was afraid of losing them to themselves. I'll let the rest of you decide if this sounds like someone who would encourage others to harm themselves. I'm still sick, I realize now that they were never really honest with me like they promised. That they were talking our private conversations and running to other people, twisting my words to them, and breeding hatred for me. I don't really understand why. I really would have done anything for them. I still have a hole inside me that will likely never go away now. And I just say anyone who trusts this person now, be careful because you're probably next.

I don’t honestly know if I’m helping you, or trying to get you to realize you’re not worthless is actually making you mad, and pushing you away. I know it's not what you want to hear when you’re feeling this way but it's true. You mean a lot to me, more than I can express, and I’m not going to give up on you because everyone else in your life makes you feel like garbage. I know it's only been since October since we really started talking, but like you expressed with Vil, you really have changed my life. I feel less alone than I did before, I finally have someone who gets what's going on in this crazy fucked up brain. Like I'm not as *broken* 

I’ve had a lot of people leave me too, and I know it's selfish but I can’t stand the thought of you leaving me too, especially because your brain is making you feel like you don’t deserve to be around. I don’t think I could handle it if that happened, I’ve been avoiding saying that because I..don’t want to try and guilt trip you, but I have to be honest. 

You’re brilliant and beautiful, and it kills me that you can’t see it. That other people in your life can’t see it. But I refuse to give up on the one person in this fucking hellhole that I can be myself around and be honest with. I am *not* leaving you. I’m not like the rest of those assholes, you have so much meaning and value to me I can’t even begin to find the right words. You are my best friend, the first person I’ve ever been able to say that confidently about. I know that may sound trivial but it's really not. I don’t make friends easily and even the ones I have IRL don’t really *get me* I’ve been told I’m too much, I’ve shut down talking about things I like because I’m overwhelming and drive them away. I can’t be me. I’m not afraid to admit I need you in my life.