#avoiding jealousy

Hi, how are you all today? Hopefully well. I was having one of those ‘weak’ moments the other day when I googled ‘he left me did he ever love me’. I was feeling pretty wretched at the time. It isn’t one of my usual emotions/feelings yet there you have it. This article called ‘ I’ll be 40 soon and never been in a relationship ’ caught my eye and I ended up reading it.

The article itself wasn’t so bad though it was the comments (which I read from start to finish) that really caught my eye and the number of votes under them. I had mixed feelings reading them. I was partially surprised yet mostly disappointed at the responses and the ones that got the most votes.

I hadn’t realised just how many people felt so lonely, given up hope and in some ways believed that they’re entitled to certain things in life. And it probably didn’t even scratch the surface of how many people truly feel that way as a whole. If we’re ‘entitled’ to anything in life then wouldn’t that mean we could simply lay back, do nothing and expect everything to ‘happen’ to us? Life doesn’t work that way. We always have to ‘do something’ to ‘achieve something’.

What Some People Are Adamant On Believing About Themselves

It struck me that some people really do take pleasure in wallowing in self pity with no intention of ever pulling themselves out of the ‘rut’ they’re in. It’s one thing feeling down no matter what, and quite another rebuking anything that points in the direction of ‘getting better, feeling better or believing in oneself’. A lot of the comments were down the lines of ‘oh be quite, I’ve heard that already, it doesn’t & work so I resign myself to my fate’. Some of it was so sad to read. And others, enlightening.

I couldn’t get why some of the commenters wouldn’t at least try to believe in themselves. It was like reading about people digging themselves holes, burying themselves in them then living in despair about it. The most interesting comments were towards the middle and end. I’m completely for, not categorising everyone in one category as that’s impossible. I am for people wanting to be better and striving to be so, though.

What I read was about some people living in self – hatred and believing it. How people have a hard time looking in the mirror. Reading that broke my heart. Why are we so caught up in self-loathing. Not everyone, I’m talking of those who are. It makes me want to cry because we are so awesome as people. How is it a total stranger like myself who hasn’t even met them nor knows anything about them knows it yet they don’t see it themselves?! It’s heartbreaking.

Why Being ‘Self Absorbed’ Can Bring Both Yourself And The People Around You, Down

Feel down, break down yet never stay down. You’re stronger then you know. Another thing that can have an impact on us, is what we’re exposed to. What we are told/shown is the right way to think/be. Look at this excerpt by one of the commenters;

racheldachel: ‘I’ll tell you a very personal and true story… I gained quite a bit of weight in 2008 when I relocated to a much colder climate. I had returned to the area where I grew up and reconnected with old friends and acquaintances. One particular woman I have known since diapers and we had always remained in touch throughout the years. She has always been very petite and reasonably attractive, but she also had and still has a bit of a negative attitude. She has only really had one actual relationship in her life and that was about 20 years ago. So she and I went to dinner one night to get caught up and a gentleman approached me and asked to buy me a drink; I politely declined. My friend became annoyed and actually said, “I don’t get it. You are already in a relationship and other men are still approaching you and I’m single and no one approaches me. It doesn’t even make sense—YOU’RE FAT and you STILL have a man and I am half your size and alone. How is that fair?” Surprisingly, I was neither hurt nor offended at that moment because I actually felt a good deal of pity for her. I simply responded, “Perhaps the difference is that I have so much more to offer a man than just what is visible on the outside and feeling secure in that knowledge makes me so happy that it effervesces and bubbles right up out of me and into my demeanor and my interactions with others. Maybe these men see that when they observe me and THAT is what makes me attractive to them. Maybe they want some of THAT in their lives and that makes me look even better to them.” Fast forward to today and we are still friends; she is still petite, reasonably attractive and single. I’ve lost some weight and still have some more to lose, but I’m also ecstatic and getting married in January to a wonderful man who sees past my trivial flaws and loves me for me.’

This comment really hit home for me as it isn’t the first (nor will it be the last) type of comment I’ve heard thrown around before. Anyone with an inch of dignity, self worth, respect and love for both herself/himself and others would immediately be able to see straight through this comment and what’s so ‘eye opening’ about it. To summarise:

• She (the thinner lady) felt ‘annoyed that someone came up to her ‘friend’ (Rachel). • She was upset that men were still approaching her friend when she already had a man. As if to imply that once a woman is ‘taken’ then no one else should ever be ‘attracted’ to her. • She blatantly insulted her ‘friend’ by calling her fat. Then sharpened the blow by making it clear that she was nothing compared to her because of that fact. • She couldn’t begin to comprehend why she(the better person since she obviously looked and so must ‘be’ better than her friend) didn’t have anyone in her life and the ‘inferior’ one, did. • Last but not least, yet definitely the most disturbing point; is that she genuinely believed that she was fully justified in her thought process and behaviour/words.

Now she isn’t the only woman nor will she be the last to think this way and believe such nonsense. My mum once had a friend who was similar. She was always alone and if she ever had a relationship it seemed to be over almost before it started. Once she listed what she looked for in a man and I remember feeling utterly disgusted from the pit of my stomach. She said: He should be tall, handsome, rich, preferably have this/that ect…

Now there isn’t anything wrong with having preferences, it’s having those as the ‘Only’ preferences that made me cringe. What about what’s on the inside? Heart, soul, mind, characteristics? I’m guessing she never really saw anything wrong with thinking and believing that. To me it came across as very materialistic and shallow. Then she wondered why she never had anyone. That’s not to say that I’m guaranteed anyone either, I know that I may or may not find someone. I also know that there’s a lot more to someone then only ‘surface stuff’. It used to irk me and the rest of my family that my mum thought of her as a ‘friend’. It took her a few years yet she eventually came to her senses. My mother is no longer used as an ‘object of convenience’ anymore.

‘Want For Others What You Want For Yourself’ Is Easier ‘Said‘ Than ‘Done‘

My point is we should be careful of how we think. What we expect. And what is rational and acceptable to what isn’t. What I mean by that is…if we’re all born differently, it doesn’t make sense to have unrealistic expectations of people. For example if all men wanted the exact opposite of me, (tall, straight hair, funny ect..)then I’d be really screw*d. Every female who fell short of that would be.

What I’m saying is that it’s fine to have our preferences, yet we need to be realistic, honest and genuine. Both to ourselves and the people we want to have relationships with. Once we do that there’s no going wrong. There is and always will be things we can improve in ourselves. A lot of the time when we see people happily in a relationship, a lot of the time it’s what’s on the ‘inside’ that truly matters. I’m not saying that outside appearances don’t matter; they just don’t come as close to the ‘inner stuff’.

When people are void of feelings, care, love and respect you’ll find that all that’s left is what’s on the ‘outside’ and so that’s what’s focused on and everything is judged and based on that. Which is like a cake with no ingredients. Not so tasty.

No matter our age, race, culture, ethnicity, we have so much to give back to the world.

You’re beautiful/ handsome.

You’re unique.

The person staring back at you in the mirror deserves more than you give credit for. We all feel bad now and then. We shouldn’t be apologetic for ‘living’ in the best way possible. Despite the ups and downs that come with it. Like a status my friend put up the other day…

I want to suggest something to you though it’s fine if you don’t try it. I don’t like following steps that much and so get it if you don’t either. If you do it though, and it makes a difference in your life then I’ve accomplished what I wanted to by suggesting it.

When you go out today/tomorrow, whether it’s for grocery shopping or for a bag of crisps from the newsagent (shop), I challenge you to dare yourself to look up at anyone, and simply smile. Not to get a smile back or for anything at all, no to simply soften someone else’s day as well as your own. Expecting anything in return defeats the purpose of the smile. So the challenge? A smile a day. From the bottom of your heart! And at random people no matter who they are. Even if it’s a baby, toddler, whoever.

Remember, a smile a day, so that means that if you take this challenge (which is all for and about ‘you’ by the way) you gotta smile at ATLEAST 1 person a day. If you do it and stick to it, I would love if you came back and posted in the comments section below whether or not you have experienced any kind of ‘change’ when interacting with people.

You can follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You’re  also welcome to Share and Comment in the comments section below on what you think.

Jays’ Tidbit: No one knows what it’s like to ‘be us’ and so when we think the worst of ourselves, it’s imperative that we don’t ‘believe’ it. Feel it. Then surpass when possible. In the end the ‘negatives’ aren’t ‘truths’. They’re twisted perceptions of ourselves that bury themselves into our psyche.